70 x 7

It’s funny how God often speaks to people the same message at the same time. The last night that I was home for Thanksgiving Break, I was lying in bed, and as is my usual routine, I was thinking and praying over my day. I have a really hard time getting to sleep most nights. It’s like the wheels in my mind realize it’s bedtime and crank into a higher gear. So, I lay in bed almost every night just thinking- which never ends well for me. My mind has a tendency to wander into all sorts of places it has no business going, mainly by processing and analyzing people’s intentions in my day. “When she said this to me… I wonder if she really meant something else…” I find myself chasing rabbits down trails I never meant to walk through. SO, in effort to remedy my problem of the wandering mind, I try to speak truth out loud over my day. This is a new strategy for me, but it’s working beautifully. No Megan, you are worried about this, but your God is big. Your God is not surprised by anything. He has planned the days of your life right down to the very hour, and he has GOOD in mind for you. Boom, I instantly feel better. Really, overactive thinkers out there- you should try it.

So, back to my point. I was lying in bed and I felt like the Lord was speaking to me one word. FORGIVE. I honestly had no idea what this was about. Forgive? I’m not mad at anyone…

I thought about the times in my life that I had the most freedom and felt the closest to the Lord, and I realized they all had some key factor in common. In every instance, I had chosen to forgive someone over something that was eating me up inside. It was stealing my thoughts and dominating me. Often, it was something extremely stupid that I, for whatever reason, was holding onto. Perhaps so that I would have an excuse to feel bitter? Or maybe so that I would have someone else to blame for my attitude or insecurities. Maybe remembering other people’s flaws made me subconsciously feel better about myself. Either way, I realized one thing.

The only person I am hurting by not forgiving is ME.

I wonder, if I had forgiven sooner, would I have experienced the joy months ago? In my lame attempts to “show them!” I had really just chained myself to a wall.

The sin of unforgiveness is a monster. He tells you over and over again that your feelings of bitterness are justified, until you start to believe it. You start to feel those thoughts creep up, and you just HAVE to tell somebody what a jerk so-and–so has been to you lately… and when you feel convicted about it, you suppress it by reminding yourself that what she did was REALLY CRUMMY, and WRONG, and she deserves it… and the worst part about unforgiveness is that just when you think you’ve let something go, that person says something that hurts your feelings, and all of a sudden it all comes pouring out again. “Well remember the time you did this!?” or “Well the reason I act that way is because you did this!...Five months ago…” Just thinking about it makes be laugh at my own stupidity.

So I woke up the next morning and walked into the kitchen. My mom was standing there teary-eyed stirring cookie batter. I asked her why she was misty eyed, and she told me that she’d just finished listening to a really good sermon on none other than, you guessed it… Forgiveness. I laughed inside at God’s timing. We talked for a while about it, and all of a sudden I knew- this is what I need to get right TODAY. I thought about every person I had any type of bad memory about, whether a former friend, roommate, or even family member. I realized that as much as unforgiveness chains me, it also chains the people I hold grudges against. Even people I love that I just can’t let that ONE thing go. How can a person ever walk out in LIFE if all I ever do is remind them of the areas in their life that they failed? Why, when I am called to speak LIFE, do I choose to believe and speak death? I can’t imagine how to find the strength to walk forward if all I heard were the times I hadn’t done things right. My heart broke as I realized how much life I had stolen from people through my sin of unforgiveness. My stupid heart wants just something I can hold against someone so that when I make a mistake I can turn the tables- I can have them under my thumb. It kind of makes me sick to think about. Why did I waste so much time dwelling on flaws when I could have been telling those people just how much I loved them, and how much I valued their friendships and calling out their giftings instead of airing out their dirty laundry?

And the truth is, if I claim to love Jesus, I cannot keep walking in this sin. How can I claim to love a God who’s most beautiful and wonderful quality is his ability to forgive me, and NEVER bring it up again? Do I have an excuse just because it gets hard?

Sometimes forgiving people is hard work. You may give and give all that you have, and get walked all over time and time again. Someone may say something REALLY hurtful that takes your heart captive for weeks. You may even have suffered for years watching people in your family mistreat each other. Maybe you’ve watched your family hold grudges against each other, never forgiving, only running. You may forgive a person a hundred times and offer your arms wide open for them in love, but then it gets hard when they begin to take advantage of your forgiveness. So, when that happens, they deserve it, right? Wrong. The bible tells us the number of times we are to forgive a person. When asked, Jesus replied “seventy times seven.” That’s an awful lot of times to forgive someone. And notice, there is no conditional statement on that. He didn’t say “seventy times seven, IF they say they’re sorry.” He forgives all without condition.

I can assure you, he has forgiven me something more like “8 billion times 7 million.” And yet, it’s not his holding my flaws over my head that makes me love him. It’s not him screaming “You didn’t spend time with me this morning Megan, so you better seriously do better tomorrow.” Or “yeah, the reason I didn’t bless you was because YOU made me look bad today!” No, that is not how my Jesus works. The bible says it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s his grace that never fails that makes me love him. It’s the way he speaks gently that makes me want to talk to him more and more. And I wonder when constantly forgiving me will finally be too much for him to handle- and the answer is never.

Dominating that sin is nothing more than a choice. Just like loving someone is a choice. Just like choosing to listen to life giving talk and music instead of death is a choice. Drawing near to God is not some mystical thing, it’s a choice. If you’re waiting for God to speak to you through a bush or a billboard, or even a warm fuzzy feeling, why should you assume he would, when he has given you his words on paper and they are sitting inside a dusty bible on your nightstand? I find that renewing my heart and my mind is nothing more than choosing to believe truth, to listen to truth, and to have faith that God is who he says he is, and he will never change. He will forgive me just as well when I’m 80 as he did today. Because he never changes, and yet I pray with all my heart he changes me. Today, choose forgiveness with me. Choose life, and break the chains.

Thoughts from the Swamplands

On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.

This break has been such a fresh breath. I forget sometimes how great it feels to have time to spend doing the things I really love. Time to cook in the kitchen next to my mom, sit and watch movies, read books I’ve wanted to get around to for a long time- the one’s that don’t cost $150 and have “speech-language pathology” somewhere in the title. It is so much fun to be able to spend time throwing the ball for my dog, eating crawfish, and driving to see my best friend.

I don’t know how to explain the way life is going-except to say that it’s different. Different in a really good way that makes me walk outside in the morning and smile. That sounds really stupid and corny- but really, I think the problem for a while was my lack of awareness. I knew about God, I’d even say I knew God, but when I’d wake up in the morning I would forget to be AWARE of his goodness, AWARE of his grace and mercy in my life, and AWARE of those around me. I am nowhere near becoming all that I want to be- but I can honestly say with God’s grace, my awareness has definitely increased.

I sat down last week and made a long list of the attributes I want to display in my life. These ranged from how I spend my money and how I give my money, to how I prioritize my days and time. I listed qualities I want to have like gentleness and humility. After I finished, I made a list of practical ways I could make that list a reality. Bear in mind the number one way to ever make that list happen is to beg Jesus DAILY for grace to change, and pray every time I can that he will keep shaving off the garbage to make room for the new. I want so much to be the kind of woman that brings glory to my Father, whether in the big things or the little. My desire is to become someone who is concerned not with impressing the people I want to please, but with loving those who may not ever get it. I don’t want anyone to walk through my life and feel invisible.

Of course, as soon as I let my guard down I fail in epic ways. I seriously do not understand how quickly I forget. But I think, by cutting out those things that cause my ridiculous mind to wander to the world, I can make myself more AWARE.

It daily blows my mind how much hope I put in everything but JESUS. How my identity wanders around like a lost puppy. My identity, when rooted in truth, tells me how He knew me before the creation of the world. How he knit me together in my mother’s womb, and numbered the hairs on my head. It tells me that I am Christ’s beloved, created in Him to do good works that he prepared in advance for me to do. It reminds me that there is not a single plan that can succeed without Christ setting it in motion. But when my identity is rooted in other things, my heart believes lies. My heart is like an extremely gullible kid with a terrible memory problem.

Me: “Hey, remember how I am Christ’s workmanship?”
My heart: “Ohhh yeah I think I remember you saying something about that. That’s awesome! Praise the Lord!”
Satan: “You’re not good enough”
My Heart: “Maybe you’re right… it doesn’t seem like the truth but I can’t really remember why…but I guess you’re right, I’m not good enough.”
Me: “But Jesus says I am justified, I am good enough.”
My heart: “Ohh yeah that sounds familiar… have you told me that before?”

I mean seriously, it’s kind of pathetic. COME ON HEART! Get yourself together and stop forgetting!

It’s only through this daily walking with a God who has an unbelievably great memory, and an ideal way of reminding me that I am HIS, that I stand even a remote chance at conquering my number one opponent- MYSELF. It is only through his grace that I’m reminded that although some thoughts in my life are true, they are not worth thinking. What is worth thinking is a thought that spurs me on to love someone else- a thought that empowers me to become better. I become my own worst enemy when I refuse to wrap my mind around the fact that I CANNOT save myself. I cannot change myself. I can maybe change the wrapper that covers me, but I cannot change the inside of the package. In the words of Matt Chandler:

“You cannot sanctify yourself. You were washed. You were sanctified. You were justified. You get to stand before God as holy, blameless, and spotless in his sight. You were justified by the Holy Spirit, who opened up your heart and mind to the weight of the glory of God as seen in Christ, that he knew ALL of your shortcomings and still went to the cross so that you would be unable to walk in pity for yourselves.”

That quote roasted me. I mean, how many times do I mess up and then let my own guilt for messing up keep me from falling at the feet of my savior and learning to trust that he’s already forgiven- that he’s cast my sin as far as the east is from the west and has his arms open wide for redemption. There is no human being that loves like this. Not a single one.

And so, I hope to become something better, by the grace of God someone a little less consumed with garbage. I hope to get in the habit of standing on the solid rock, and not placing my hope in things that are like sandcastles on the beach. I used to build those when I was little, and I would watch as the tide would come in and knock them down a little at a time. Life has it’s way of knocking down all those things we put our hope in. But at the end of the day- Life cannot knock down the solid rock. There will be a day when I am no longer best friends with Ally or Meredith. There will be a day when people won’t introduce me as “Melony’s daughter.” There will come a day when I am no longer a speech pathologist. Those things will all die with me. All of my money will be distributed to someone else. All of my stuff will be sold at some cheap estate sale or hauled to the dump. One day I won’t be able to hear my music anymore, and I won’t always have the abilities I have now. But the one thing that will always be true is that I am a child of the Living God. I am favored in his sight not because of a single thing I did, but because of his unbelievable gift and the Holy Spirit’s uncanny ability to change my wicked heart. Suddenly all of those other things I put my hope in become little sandcastles, and I can laugh as I see them all wash away.

Thanksgiving.

Today as I drove home from Dallas dropping a dear friend off, I turned off the music in my car (something I rarely do). I sat in silence as I thought about the past few weeks and the compared them to weeks two, even three years ago. I just sat there and reflected on how different my life looks, and how even though God has moved mountains in my life, my struggles still look quite the same. I think, as a girl, I was born with the same struggles that nearly every girl faces- and in every season of my life, although they may wear a different coat, they are the same sneaky burglars who steal my joy. The beauty, however, in this hour of reflection, was in this- that although my struggles are the same, my response to them and my way out of them has slowly become different. And in that, I found a small and subtle victory. Although every day I have to wake up and bind those thieves, my ropes are getting a little bit thicker, and those seeking to devour me tend to have a little more trouble wriggling their way out of them to prey upon me the next day. I became completely filled with just absolute thankfulness on the drive home. Thankfulness for the friends that buy plane tickets to come visit me for the weekend, for the family that I can never stop laughing around, for the life that I get to wake up and breathe to every morning. Thankfulness that a Holy and blameless God could love my absolute train wreck and want good things for my life and the life of my family. Thankful that I haven't had to experience devastation that some families have had to walk through. But overall, thankfulness that even if I do eventually have to experience something devastating, that I never have to face it alone.

If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.

Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.

The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?

A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?

Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.

How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?

He's Not a Safe Lion...

I'm never sure how exactly to begin a blog post. Do I start with the ever-cliche but always thought provoking quote? Or do I try to think of my own profound way of summing up what this blog post is going to be about? I think that's the real problem-because if I tried to sum up what my blogs were about in my opening sentence, it would look something like this:

"This is going to be an unbelievably erratic and completely disorganized jumble of my ridiculous thoughts, and I'm not really sure how long it will be because I usually just write until I feel like stopping." So yeah, hang on for dear life if you want- welcome to my crazy mind. =)

Lately God has been taking me on a real journey. I can't say that it's been fun- but it's been so, so good. It reminds me of the quote in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asks Mr. Beaver if Aslan the lion (representing Jesus) is safe, to which he replies, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good." God doesn't promise our safety, or our happiness- but he promises GOOD for our lives. Knowing that every trial that we have seen is only one sent to make us realize our need and the rescuing qualities of our savior.

"Our Lord in his infinite wisdom and superabundant love sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith that now supports you if the trial of your faith had not put you through the fire."

I LOVE the God who loves me enough to send trials. I can't say that I enjoy them the way I enjoy laying on the beach during spring break. I can't say they are blissful- but I can say they are GOOD. And they are making me into someone better than the crummy, controlling, insecure person that I am without them.

He loves me too much to leave me in my waste. OH PRAISE HIM for this!

This semester I have really struggled with knowing if grad school is what I am supposed to be doing. I think it's because I didn't see grad school as a source of joy in my life- and I know that when I am in God's will I should be experiencing joy. I find joy in so many other ways- and it made me wonder if I wasn't just supposed to move away and do missions and be able to be open with other people about Jesus. Then, like a slap in the face, God spoke. He made me realize that I have such a mission field here, at the clinic with my clients and with my friends. He showed me that if I can't be a missionary in my workplace, I have no business trying to be a missionary anywhere else. It's easy to go to another country where you don't know anyone, where children are happy to see you and the people need you, where they don't have any expectations of you, and they don't know your junk and your struggles. It's easy to have all the answers then. But what about in your workplace, where everyone around you has maybe seen you on a really bad day? What about around kids who aren't so happy to see you? What about with people you feel the need to impress? It's not so easy then.

I have found that it's all about my mindset, and clearing and preparing my mind for something new every day. My Jesus is just waiting for me with arms full of opportunities to show him to others, and it's up to me whether or not I'm going to miss those opportunities or not. This weekend at church, the pastor said something that really hit me. He said, "Gifted people who don't use their gifts for Godliness bring praise to themselves and their gifts. But Godly people who use their gifts bring praise and attention to their God." In other words- if I'm using my gifts humbly, and for the Lord, people should look at me and see JESUS. If I'm using my gifts to bring attention to myself and to get others to see how gifted I am, then yeah, maybe people will see my gifts- but they'll miss Jesus. They will see me, and not him. I don't want people to see me- I want them to see Jesus.

When I go to work I want people to ask, "Does this therapist work for a hospital or for God? Does she spend her day in work or worship? Does she make money or a difference? Every morning she climbs in the boat Jesus loaned her. The two of them row out into the water and cast nets." ---(from Max Lucado)

How can we make our work be worshipful? How can I use my gifts to help people around me- to show them Jesus? How can I make a difference in more than just someone's speech therapy? How can I be in love with people, and not their perfections? How can I learn that loving relationship is more important than anything else?

I love than in all these thoughts, Jesus is just revealing the surface of his depths. I could learn about him, taste his goodness forever, and it would only be a drop in the bucket. I could try with all my heart to be worthy to earn what he has freely given me in his salvation, but I would come up pitifully short. I can't fathom his goodness. I can't believe he would never give up on me. No matter how annoying I can get, no matter how much I complain, or how needy I am- he never walks out. I can spit in his face, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. And yet, as he wraps me up in his arms, he sends things into my life to mess everything up. He destroys my dreams that aren't rooted in him. And sometimes, all I can see is the destruction. But the beautiful truth is that he sees the finish line. He knows exactly what I need in order to bring him the most glory and me the most joy, and he loves me enough to not let me rest in the mediocre. He sends the storms, but he drives the boat that makes it through them. He may not be safe, he is not just a nice guy. He is not afraid to step on my toes, and he doesn't care about my comfort. But he is GOOD. He is righteous. He is faithful. And where people will let me down, he never will. Where I will fail, he will pick up the pieces and make it better than it was before.

Never in my life have I felt so loved by such a big God, and yet so unworthy of it. That is the beauty of real love.

"My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." -John 10:29

Tales of a Third Semester (WHAAAAAT?!)

Holy smokes. This week- this past 6 months have been such a blur. I am so amazed because I still feel like, despite the ridiculous amount of work, I went to sleep yesterday the day before grad school and woke up today an almost THIRD semester. I can't even begin to describe this ridiculous journey that God has put me on except to say that NO ONE can understand unless you have either been a grad student in the Speech Pathology program at Baylor, or are currently in it with me. There are not enough words to describe or explain how hard everyone has worked this past 6 months, nor are there adequate words to express the feelings I have for the girls I love SO much in my program. I have to admit that when I started grad school, I looked around thinking I had absolutely NOTHING in common with some of these people. We now laugh about how our first impressions went as I sit at dinner with some of my closest friends and some of the most legit women I have EVER met.

I have worked part-time since I was like, 14 years old, and I have worked with people of all different types. But nowhere have I been pressed and beaten down like grad school, and NOWHERE have I found a group of people to pour encouragement out of their nearly empty wells. I legitimately am SO impressed. I go to school with some of the most servant hearted, hard working women of God on this planet. Girls who have pulled out their prayer journals on a day when I was stressed out and shown me MY NAME written in their prayers. I am so sorry, but people who ACTUALLY pray when they say they will pray for you are hard to come by. I have never been so humbled, so challenged, so encouraged, and so loved as I have been in the past 6 months.

For me now, everything looks a little different. I'm looking around and seeing these girls who are leaving the program for their internships and wondering, "when will I see you again?"... that is just NOT okay. If you would have asked me before grad school if I thought I would become this attached to these girls, I would have laughed. But I am. I am so sad to see them moving along and our pathetic little speech path building will just not be the same without them lighting up the hallways. I have learned so much from those girls- more I think than I have learned in the classroom. I have learned about what matters. I have been mutually encouraged- I am SO BLESSED to have known them, and hopefully to keep in touch with them! I thought I was a hard worker until I met girls who have TWO CHILDREN and families and still are going through grad school. They wake up, take their kids to school, go to school, have clients, do all the same work and projects that I do, work as Grad Assistants to help pay for school, and then get off, pick up their kids, spend the evenings with them, put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night preparing and working for the next day, waking up and doing it all again.

This is a crazy season of life for me- and I can't explain how much I hate it and love it at the same time. I love how God is using it. I LOVE how he is humbling me and I love that I can seriously do nothing without him. I have learned so much from my clients too. I have seen true joy on the faces of clients who can't communicate at all- just joy because they get to spend an hour around people who they know love them enough to spend that hour helping them out. I have seen 65 year old couples enter the doors together, with the husband wheeling in his wife to therapy. He sits next to her as she does her best to communicate, and encourages her. He tells her how proud he is of her. He looks us all in the eye and tells him that Jesus Christ is the only thing that matters in marriage. And I believe him. He looks at that woman like she is 18 on prom night and loves her- and I can only hope and pray that I meet a man who loves me like that. I think I'm going to make my fiance in the future go to marriage counseling with that man. I only hope that I could love someone that well too. I have seen little boys' faces light up because all of a sudden they did something they thought they could never do. Nothing- I mean NOTHING- replaces that feeling of hearing that little one say, "look teacher! I did it!"

My heart has been opened up to places that I never thought existed. I have cried with girls- literally sobbed from exhaustion in groups of four other sobbing girls, only to end up dying laughing because we realize how pathetic we all are. I have cracked speech path pun after speech path pun- YES, I am officially that nerdy. I have gone to dinners with people I used to think were weird- and I've found that they are seriously some of the greatest people I know. I've learned that people will surprise you.

I think for a long time I spent my days bogged down. I was so consumed with myself and what I was trying to accomplish and what problems were happening. But being in this program, although it has been the toughest thing I've ever done, has brought back this crazy fire and love for PEOPLE. I LOVE people. I love hearing about things I never would have thought up on my own, and realizing that we are all out on this crazy journey together- not to judge but to learn something beautiful from one another. I suddenly realize that where I thought I was always struggling to catch up with everyone else, that really we are all dealing with the same things. Really, we are all insecure. Really, we all want to be loved. And honestly, if we were all really honest- we are searching for a purpose in what we spend our days doing. I have learned to treat every day like a new chance. I have realized that even the small things we do matter. Small things with great love and more powerful than huge things sometimes. It's about being faithful in those small things, and suddenly waking up and realizing how much you've been given has grown.

I am so excited for this next season...

just some thoughts I pondered...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10

Life to the full. Such an unknown for almost everyone. Life that really means something- truly lived. I used to think this meant that with Jesus in my life I would experience the happiest life. Now, I have discovered that there is an epic difference between happiness and joy.

I used to think that if I followed Christ it would lead me into the most wonderful earthly blessings. That those who loved the Lord he would bless and they would be wealthy, happy, healthy, and prosperous. But the prosperity gospel is a new idea, and one that is so void of biblical legitimacy that it is actually ridiculous that anyone could preach it from the pulpit without a riot scene. Instead, biblically, we see that those who choose to follow the Lord must daily take up their cross. The load is not a light one, but a heavy one- filled with trials of many kinds. Pursuing the Lord requires a realization that your end goal is not to obtain more for yourself- but your prize is HIM. In 1st Peter it talks about the goal of our faith being the salvation of our souls. HE IS OUR PRIZE, not his blessings. He is what we run the race to achieve- not money, not fame, not a Christian record deal or a self-help book. It's true that many times in the bible, those who pursued the Lord faced trials like I can honestly say I have never seen. Following Christ does not = blessings. At least, not earthly ones. And the belief that it will always leads us to attempt to manipulate God by doing what we think he wants of us in order to obligate him to give what we want from him. Give it up, we can't trick God... he's God.

Then how are we supposed to walk in fullness of life when all around us the world is trying to tear us down? I think that's the hardest part for me. Being raised in the "Bible belt" I always subconsciously believed that if I stayed away from the cardinal sins, "sex, drugs, alcohol, adultery..." not to mention making sure to always vote republican-then I was a good Christian. Someone please biblically define for me a "good Christian."

Then, in comparison to all those other "bad christians" out there, man I felt pretty good about myself! I was such a good Christian- elect me to Youth Group President, cuz I've got it all together, and I really need to reach out to the rest of you sinners.- right? It was this crazy mentality that stole my joy. I know it sounds crazy to feel like such a good Christian but still walk around without joy- but I definitely was. Why? Because JOY comes from a heart that appreciates Grace. And grace saves us from the sins we don't even realize we commit. I was walking around feeling like I'd earned something. Like in the womb I had been the one to decide that I would have a good family, good friends, and the gifts and talents I have. "Hey thanks God for the whole 'designing me' bit, but I'll take it from here..." And all of a sudden I had lost the joy of my salvation.

The problem with the Bible belt is that we all feel like we're pretty good. We are the good ones who really just need to get those bad Christians on our bandwagon. When you feel like you're pretty good, somehow a Savior seems less than mediocre. Savior from what? From my occasional white lie and my sin that really isn't as bad as my next door neighbor's? We think, well yeah, God helped out, but we really had a pretty good handle on it before he came along. We don't realize what wretched people we are before grace. Grace that covers a multitude of sins. And the fact is, if we could grasp our own depravity, suddenly a savior would become a necessity. Knowing him, the one who took all our sins upon himself- it would be the ultimate reward. Suddenly those trials- the ones that seem so big and looming- they don't steal our joy. Because our joy isn't rooted in our stuff, friends, family, good christian reputation, health, etc. Suddenly we begin to realize that the only important thing is that we KNOW HIM, that we are claimed as HIS, and that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING- not sickness or death or fire or attacks can strip us out of his hands. And if this does not bring JOY to your heart- knowing that the God of all creation sent his son to purify our filth and garbage filled hearts and lives- well then honestly, you don't really understand how filthy and garbage filled your life was before him.

PRAISE GOD, I thank him for cleaning out the junk pile that was me- that continues to be me without his grace. And if we all walked around really grasping this, and REALLY understanding what we were saved from, we would look a lot more like people living the life abundant. Life to the full wouldn't be just a nice saying- it would be our attitudes. And then, well maybe those who don't know Jesus would actually want what we have. Maybe they would actually see a difference in the way we lived. Maybe our lives would speak testimony to what a work the Lord had done! Don't forget to be thankful for your salvation! At the end of this life we will receive our reward if we do not give up- and our reward is HIM!

"Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his SALVATION day after day."-1 Chronicles 16:23

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."- Psalm 13:5

"Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation."- Psalm 35:9

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail."- Isaiah 51:6

"But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."- 1 Thessalonians 5:8

=)

Streams in the Desert

My mom and I were at Barnes and Noble the other day looking through the devotional section. I've heard quite a bit from my roommate and a few others about the daily devotional "Streams in the Desert," so I decided to buy it so that I could give myself another thing to read in the mornings before I start my day. I'm not going to lie, I am the farthest thing from a morning person. In the past couple months though, I have tried harder to make a real effort to get up earlier and start my days off right, and I have to admit, it's made a huge difference. It's crazy that I actually somehow am surprised that spending more time with Jesus makes a difference- I mean of COURSE it does. I often wonder how I would ever be able to live in this world without him. Anyways, on to my real point.

This book's title is just so appropriate for this time in my life. "Streams in the Desert." I'm pretty sure that sums up the past few months for me. Let's see... I graduated, I had a whopping 14 days off before starting Grad School, which has easily been one of the biggest trials and molding periods of my life, I didn't sleep, my hair started falling out/face breaking out from stress, almost every single one of my friends moved away from Waco, I spent the summer pretty much alone while all of my friends vacationed at the beach and went to Europe, my best friend moved to Denver as opposed to College Station where she was an hour away, and it became pretty clear that God was stripping me of all things familiar. Now, my problems are petty in comparison to so many other's, but have I been in a desert? Absolutely. One of fears, one of exhaustion, one of questions, and one where things and people are literally stripped out of my life. But are there streams? Praise God, yes. Great friendships that have been built and rekindled, sweet time with family, bonds with clients, and times literally spent at the feet of my savior that I would never trade for anything in the world. So, maybe this is a desert... but in the midst of it, God is SO close. He is preparing the way before me! He is always present on my mind because I need him SO much and it is so apparent that I cannot do a single solitary thing right, or eternal without him.

There came this point where I realized that I am wretched. There is no part of my heart that is clean. No purity in there anywhere. I am capable of things I never thought possible. I am weak, emotional, and unkind. But in knowing that, I became thankful even more for the grace of my Jesus, that covers all of my flaws. How he uses me when I am not worthy of use continues to blow my mind, and how he sanctifies my heart along this process of life is so beautiful. Sometimes I look back and wonder why God has put certain things in my path, or certain people in my life. Then, I remember that God places everything in our lives to sanctify us and continue to draw us into himself. Every hardship, every trial is meant to prune off those places that aren't like him. BEING PRUNED HURTS. Like crazy. I'm talking curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out hurt. But then you look back and you find yourself different... and man it was worth it. Take those clippers to me again, Lord. Mold me into one of those bush-figurines like they do at the zoo... only make this one look like you, and talk like you, and love like you. I need it.

I was reading in the devotional, and I'll just copy it onto here because I don't really want to summarize it, but it was so encouraging to me:

"They asked for a repentant heart and has surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He had killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire as a refiner and purifier (Malachi 3:3) until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands... Yet God strengthened them and protected them, even from themselves. Often, in His mercy, He held them up when they otherwise would have slipped and fallen. And even in this life, they knew that all He did was done well. They knew it was good to suffer in this life so that they would reign in the world to come; to bear the cross below to wear the crown above; to know that not their will, but His will, was done in them and through them."

There came a point in this trial period that I realized my lack of dependence on God in the good times. I became convicted because I knew that I was not giving him enough time. Not out of some legalistic heart that feels like I need to block off 15 minutes a morning because if I don't I am a bad person... but because I am a different person without him. I had to repent and surrender myself to him- and he has sent sorrow. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the Lord would have His will in my life. I can't tell you how many times I have asked for purity, or told the Lord I wanted to be more like Him at any cost. So the Lord has sent me a desert- a broken valley. A time when I cannot rely on myself because I am too weak to possibly function. He has broken my heart so that he can re-make it. He has thrown me into the fire- and I praise the Lord for it, because that means he is refining my heart until it reflects him. Holy cow, that is a beautiful thing. I mean, really grasp that. When we go through the fire, the end result is looking like him. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I don't want to be comfortable in this blip of a life just to spend eternity in separation from God. No way! God- kill all of my living hopes. If I idolize it, take it away. (Scary prayer right there)

So, my prayers have changed. They used to be "help me to get out of this trial." Now, they are "Lord purify me in this trial." Make my heart like a Stream in the Desert, so that you can work through me in other peoples' deserts, and bring living water. I know that everything that I have been through has been used to change me into something a little less like myself. Every problem, or potential fear has been used to sanctify my heart. Every time I failed, was only a reminder of my own depravity so that thankfulness for GRACE could be birthed into my heart. I am thankful for my failures- although I wish they weren't there. I am so grateful that I have a God who never gave up on me! I am learning every day a new thing that I didn't know. I'm slowly learning what it means to really hear God's voice, and listen for it. I'm learning how to not be so impulsive (although this is a major struggle in my life) and to wait on the Lord NOT ONLY to give me a feeling, but to provide the means and open the doors to show me that the feeling is REALLY his way, to confirm that what I have felt has been truly of God, and not of myself. I am learning that Jesus is not "cool" to the masses, because he is far more focused on my holiness than my happiness. His message is TRUTH, but not always popular. To live a life like him, we may never be "cool." I am learning, and I have SO much more to learn.

But out of everything I'm learning, the greatest thing is learning to KNOW him. Not just know ABOUT him, but KNOW him. Learning who he is, and what he is capable of (which is pretty much everything, duh) only strengthens me to remember that the God of the universe, the God of creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me has my best interests at heart. And to find out that when I praise him and worship him- I in turn experience Joy. That joy comes from worshipping the ONLY thing worth the worship, and God created us to worship- because he is praised and we are made whole. It's like a win-win situation right there! And I find that it is wonderful to bear the cross below to win the crown above.

Thank you to those who are walking through this journey with me. I love you, and I seriously am not sure who I would be without God's love shown through you. I am so so blessed! You have been streams in my desert.

Two Crosses

I'm writing this mainly so that I can organize my own thoughts to wrap my mind around what I've been reading. If you know me at all, which I'm assuming the majority of you do, you may know that I am an avid fan of A.W. Tozer. This guy is legit, and deep. If you don't like to read mind bombs, don't open a Tozer book! BUT, I am reading his book "God's Pursuit of Man," and HOLY SMOKES it is so convicting and SO good.

When I was about 15, I started noticing certain things about the church. Not necessarily my church in particular (this is not a slam against one church) but just churches in general, and it disturbed me. I noticed that more time was spent on preparation for decorations and orchestrating huge events than I felt was spent IN THE WORD hearing from the Lord about what to speak. Hours of set-up and tear down of the lights, screens, computers, instruments, etc... but few people really got saved. And the ones that did just blended in- nobody was really CHANGED. The questions began to sound like "how can we get more people to come?" instead of "how can we hear from the living God?" It began to really bother me that we had begun to make the church look like the world in order to draw the world in, instead of making it a place where the Bible, unaltered, was preached whether it stepped on a few toes or not. It seemed to me that if you're preaching the Word of the Living God, that people would be drawn whether you had an expensive sanctuary or not. People spent hours organizing huge community events to reach people for the Lord, but everyone in the church just seemed so... Tired. Overworked and underwhelmed with God and the real point behind it all. I didn't like it at all, and all through high school really struggled. I would see people go down and have these emotional conversions, sometimes every few weeks the same people would continually "recommit" their lives to Christ. But then no one really loved their neighbor. No one really looked like Jesus. I would hear people talk about all the cool things they wanted to incorporate into the church, and one sunday morning even saw a literal strobe light during worship. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with lights in church, but it just seems to me, that if the Holy Spirit is there, it won't take a strobe light to stir peoples emotions for the Lord. If the Holy Spirit is moving, a strobe light suddenly looks pathetic.

But now, it's all about this emotional experience where we connect with God. A God who is already connected with us. Maybe what we need is time where we AREN'T talking, so that we can HEAR from this God who is so willing to share. Maybe our prayers need to change from "Lord bless us" to "Lord, break us."

I want so desperately to be ruined- be to conquered. To be absolutely demolished for the ordinary. "Only the conquered can know true blessedness... it is only by FULL dependence upon Him that the hidden potentialities of our nature are realized. Apart from this, we are but half-men, malformed and unbeautiful members of a noble race once made to wear the image of its creator. Deliverance can come to us only by the DEFEAT of our own life."

I often wonder why it is that we exalt those around us who are "most christian-like." I am guilty of this too- bigtime. Especially when that thought in itself is the VERY opposite of the soul foundation of Christianity. That we would worship the person who is like God instead of the God himself. In our churches, we build up the leaders, we give extra amounts of respect and esteem to those leaders in the church, and in so we teach me not to die with Christ but to live in the strength of their dying manhood. We teach people to boast in their strength. We glorify men to enhance the standing of the church of God, and the glory of the Prince of life is made to hang upon the fleeting fame of a man that will die.

It is this common mentality that makes me want to just leave this country and move somewhere where life is simple again. I hate the thirst for "things" and the thirst for "status" that exists here. I know every place has its downfalls. I know there is no utopia. But sometimes, I'll be honest- I would kill to be somewhere where I could wear the same shirt every day of my life and no one cared, because no one gave a rip about their stuff. I wish I could be in a place where we weren't all fighting to impress. I want my life to count for something. I don't want mediocrity. I want passion. I want adventure. I want a life that lives more in a week than most live in a lifetime. I want to live a life where I will not be able to get by unless God shows up- and I want to be around people who understand that this world is a blip on the timeline. I often think that as Americans, we invent struggles for ourselves because we don't have a clue about real struggles. If we had actually experienced true hunger, or the questions about where we would sleep at night, I bet our struggles with fitting in, being successful, feeling inadequate, and all the other things we struggle with here would look like a complete joke. We would be like "inadequacy what? i'm just trying to find something to eat so i don't die." Let's get real, america is a breeding ground for unsatisfied, whiny people who wait for everything to be handed to us because we think we deserve it simply because we are American. NO THANK YOU, I cannot handle it. I find myself guilty of it on a daily basis, and I cannot believe how much I gripe about because I cannot for the life of me remember for a full 24 hours how UNBELIEVABLY blessed I am. For some reason I feel as though I deserve it. Who am I kidding?

But the truth is, according to Tozer, that in churches, they preach two crosses. The Cross of Christ is the cross that saves us, but that same cross also SLAYS us. Then there is the cross of popular evangelicalism- which conditions american churches to feel like we are entitled.

"The old cross slew men, the new cross entertains them. The old cross condemned, the new cross amuses. The old cross destroyed confidence in the flesh, the new cross encourages it. The old cross brought tears and blood, the new cross brings laughter. The flesh, smiling and confident, preaches and sings about the cross; before the cross it bows and toward the cross it points with carefully staged histrionics, but UPON THAT CROSS IT WILL NOT DIE, AND THE REPROACH OF THAT CROSS IT STUBBORNLY REFUSES TO BEAR." boom. roasted.

I mean, am I the only one who things that is seriously heavy stuff? How often do we try to orchestrate things to be perfect in order that people would be changed by what we have to say, only to forget that if WE say anything, we won't save anyone. If the Holy Spirit shows up though, it won't matter what we say- those words won't be ours, and you can pretty much sell the fog machines and strobe lights, because we won't need them. I don't want to be a person who pretends like I have it all together so that other people can look to me for any reason. If they see me, I hope they see a girl who is thankful for grace because it's the only thing that saved me. I hope no one ever says I put on a show, but that I was honest and open, real and vulnerable about my sin. I hope I never think that by hiding it I will ever set the captives free in my own life or in anyone else's. What a joke- we are the LIGHT of the world. Light breaks through darkness, revealing truth- as ugly as that truth may be. And if we really grasped the ugliness that lives in us all, we would finally be able to grasp the joy that comes from being FREE from it. It's a heart that truly understands the weight of it's sin that gets to experience the most joy from it's salvation!

Jimmy Seibert, the pastor at Antioch said at church Sunday, that the happiest people in the world are the people who have no secrets. This is because confession is cleansing, it's beautiful. It's freeing. Admitting things doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. Lord, I pray that my life would always be an open book, and that people around me would know my failures. And I pray that when I fail, which is OFTEN, that when I repent it would be with a heart that desires to truly CHANGE. I don't want to just say "I'm sorry," and then nothing ever change.

I feel like all these things are the reasons that so many of the people I know, and myself included sometimes, have these emotionally-based moments where we feel like we need to change things, and then practically never do. Our entire existence as Christians was based on an emotional decision that has no backbone. There was never a cross that we died on. We were never wrecked. We were just hugged and told how proud everyone was of us, as though we should be praised for our decision to accept God, like he needs our acceptance. No, it is true that HE CHOSE US. He called us to our death, and asks us to come die that we might LIVE. And we look at him and say, Maybe later. Maybe when things get really bad. We lead a Bible study and think we are doing our spiritual duty to others. We are missing the point. We are missing LIFE and instead replacing it with "encounters." We view God as the feeling we get when our favorite worship song is on. We completely miss what he has to offer to our everyday, seemingly small moments- we box him into the areas of our life that he's welcome. But he's either Lord of your whole house, or not. He can't just be Lord of the closet and the bathroom. He can't be Lord of every room EXCEPT for the closet or the bathroom either. You know, that part where we hide all our junk? You know those fears that you'll fail, or that you'll end up alone? He's gotta be Lord of that too.

My prayer today, is that God would wreck shop in my life. I don't care if that means he has to tear everything away in order to reveal himself. I want it. I want him to take my NUMEROUS fears, and crush them like a little ant. My flesh may regret saying that later, but my heart wants it more than I want anything. I pray to God that my hope never rests in "things" or in my own stupid pride. I pray that I would always be open about my struggles, and that God would continue to break off the parts of my life that aren't pleasing to Him. I pray that I would be conquered, and that I would find something in this beautiful walk with the Almighty that would cause me to desire him even more. I pray that I wouldn't care so much about what other people think about me, but instead remember that I am NOT living for what other people think. I have been bought at a price- a HIGH price of the blood shed by a sinless, perfect man who loved me more than any other human being can fathom. Jesus, BREAK me. Crush me to my knees if it means that the only way I can ever walk again is if you give me a new pair of legs. Feet that can stand on the high places, where you are.

I am still working through the desires of my heart to pray about where the Lord wants me. My heart wants so many things. Ideally, if I had no debt (ha!) I would love to work in either medical missions or in just missions in general. I want to see the kingdom of God come to the world. I want to experience him in being stretched beyond what I think I can do. BUT- not that he couldn't provide for my debt, because I totally believe he could, but I want to be faithful to that too. I know that he has me in this place for a reason, and I may never get to experience a trip overseas, but either way, I want to be used to love people who don't get loved. I'm trying to pray through whether I desire this because I'm called to it, or because I just desire it. And I know that whatever I am called to, he will provide for and make a way. So, if you the lovely reader of my blog would say a prayer for that for me, that would be mucho appreciated. Much love!

The Dream Team

I feel like when I get to blogging, I always end up just gushing out the things that I'm thinking about in that moment, and the crazy ridiculous ways that God ends up working in my wicked heart to sanctify him to himself. I think it's about time that people who read this blog (all whopping two of you!) meet my "line-up" of girls who literally have shaped the person that I am into something a lot better than it was before. These women have picked my weak self up off the floor so many times, spoken truth and scripture over me, and have loved me in my most un-loveable moments. I can honestly say that without them, their prayers, and constant confirmations, I would be a really sad, lost, crummy person. =) So, without further delay, meet the Dream Team.

1. Melissa Hatcher


This girl is like better than best friends times a thousand. She is the person I have aspired my entire life to be like. My sister is the EPIC example of a mom. She has, no joke, I DARE YOU TO TRY TO COMPETE, the most well behaved, wonderful children on the planet. This is because she has really followed the Lord's wisdom in training a child up in the way they should go. Being around them is a breeze! They are the most loving, happy children in the world--and you don't get that way by having anything other than a rock star mom. I remember growing up, I wanted to be just like Mel. I played softball because she played softball. I was a tomboy because she was a tomboy. I wanted to read my bible because I saw her reading hers. She would let me come spend weekends at her house in Monroe after she got married, and she would take me to her college classes. I thought I was HOT STUFF on that college campus at 10 years old! She never left me out, and always made sure to include me, even if I was a good ten years younger. She is one of the most open, honest, loving, and giving people I know...not to mention the best gift giver around! Seriously, if you've ever thought for a minute about something you like, Melissa has already figured it out and it's on it's way to your house. How she manages to find the time to be creative, I will never know. She is SUPER MOM!!! Family is the most important thing in the world to Mel. I can't imagine life without her. =)

2. Ally Rice




Wow, where to begin. If Mel is my sister, Ally is my adopted sister from China. She is no joke, one of the most faithful and loyal friends I have ever had. I can't say enough how much I love this girl. Ally is one of the funniest, wittiest people I know, and I don't think there is a two minute interval of time when we are together that I am not at the "pee your pants" level of laughter. She is one of those people that EVERYONE loves. When I tend to drift toward the really deep and serious, ally is always there to pull me back to reality and crack some ridiculous joke that makes everything better. Not to mention, she is one of the most amazing women of God. She is pursuing the Lord with some serious passion and serious sacrifice. I HOPE that the Lord sends us off on some crazy mission trip adventure together. She would be wearing Chacos, and I would be styling in the tennis shoes. But one thing's for sure, there would be some serious laughter, and some serious heart to hearts to be had on that trip. No one that I know has loved me through more junk than Ally Rice. She is seriously the most perfect depiction I know of forgiveness, grace, and understanding. She is humble enough to lay her junk out on the table too. There aren't a lot of girls like this one, so guys- if you're reading, and athletic, competitive, attractive, a chaco wearer, a snowboarding/mountain climber with epic taste in music, and LOVE THE HECK OUT OF JESUS, let me know and I'll send you her number. She's a catch! (dread locks sometimes appreciated, but not required)

3. Meredith Smith




OHHHHH MURTLE. I love this girl. Meredith and I have known each other since middle school, but really got to be close senior year of high school at Calvary. Meredith is like the epic friend. She is a friend to EVERYONE. Literally, I'm sure you know her, even if you've never met her. Why? Because Mere is one of those people that loves everyone around her by LISTENING to them. Crazy concept right? Mere knows everyone's sister's great aunt's cousin's dog's names and what they do for a living and what they are going through in their lives right now. She knows this because she takes the time to ask, and she HEARS you. And she remembers what you say and will ask you about it later. Meredith makes me laugh SO hard. I feel like I get 8 minute abs workout every time I hang out with her. She is hilarious!! Every hysterical memory I have from high school includes Mere Bear somewhere. Apart from all that, Mere is one of those people that I can laugh my face off with one minute, and talk about the most serious desires of my heart in the next. She has been such an example to me of someone who is full of Christ's love and overflows onto everyone around her. I am SOOOOO thankful for that crazy girl! Here's to more cookie dough eating nights watching chick flicks and laughing together!

4. Michelle Reyes




MEESH!! So, we have a hilarious story. It really is quite epic. Michelle and I met through guys we were dating, and have been best friends ever since. AAAAAND we always will be, no matter what. Michelle is LEGIT. You can't have a minute long conversation with Michelle without it drifting straight to the word of God. She is in LOVE with Jesus, and she can't help but talk about him, direct everything towards him, and look at life through a lense that is directed by him. Her words of encouragement always end in a direct biblical quotation (the best kind, duh) and the sweetest, most gentle words you've ever heard. BUT, don't for a minute think that just because she is gentle, that she is weak. This girl is STRONG. She is sassy. She is sarcastic and witty and funny and precious all rolled up into one little package. She has the words biggest vocab, and her future husband better be on his theological and verbal A Game, because she's bringing it, and she knows her stuff. I never leave time with Michelle feeling anything less than encouraged, and I laugh SO hard with her. Not to mention, she makes the best chocolate chip cookies. (PS- SEND ME THE RECIPE, WOMAN!!) I love how random our "meeting" was, and I love that God KNEW exactly what a friend I needed in that point in my life. He blows me away with this one.

5. Kylie Peterson


KP and I met freshman year at this FIJI party, and have pretty much been soul sisters since. We don't get to talk as much anymore, now that she's living in Dallas and ENGAGED and everything haha, but either way, this girl is one of those people that I can call up and catch up with and pick up right where we left off. Kylie is HILARIOUS and I always end up doing something scandalous/inappropriate with her. She is a huge prankster, and loves to create awkward situations to laugh about. Kylie is also one of those friends (as is a common theme in my friendships) that I can sit down and have a really deep convo with. She always listens really well and encourages me! I can remember so many times that we talked about things together, and then looked back and saw that she was SO RIGHT. Kylie is a top notch friend, and I am so glad we got to have so many crazy and fun times while she had her two short years in Waco! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE GETTING MARRRIIIIEEEEED!!! WHAT!!!!?

6. Ashley Gross


I can't even begin to think about this girl without just laughing at how much of a brain clone we are. Ashley and I are on the same wavelength to the max. Thank goodness for kanakuk bringing us together, and thank goodness for having to fold massive tarps full of GIANT brown furry spiders together. Not to mention campers and their "red clothing"... Ash, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I think I just gagged a little thinking about it. Ashley is sarcastic, which I of course can appreciate, and she's REAL. Like Ash will lay it all out on the table. I love this about her. We have some of the best convos about how we are going to move to an island in switzerland (who knew they even had such a thing!?!) and just live and love Jesus and not be complicated or dramatic. I love Ashley's heart and pursuit for the Lord, and how vulnerable she is to admit that at times she doesn't have it all together. Lord knows NEITHER DO I!!!! I just hope she comes to visit me soon, because I can't handle this distance much longer!!!! I think we should invite A-Rob, what do you think Ash? ;)


And there you have it! My wonderful list of women (mommy not included because she gets her own post soon) who have impacted my life and been the most real and wonderful friends to walk through life beside. There are SO MANY MORE girls that I could say this about, and so many more I'm sure to come. I LOVE EACH OF YOU SO MUCH and for such different, awesome reasons. Couldn't walk through this crazy life without ALL of you.

Refreshment

"And the Great Shepherd said, 'I must tell you a great truth that only few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of love. Many a quiet, ordinary, and hidden life, unknown to the world, is a veritable garden in which love's flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight where the King of Love himself walks and rejoices."- Hinds' Feet on High Places

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because I can't find a good place to begin. So I'm going to do my best, but this might be a little sloppy, so bear with me. I spent the summer in one of the largest valleys of my life, a place of loneliness and fear and to be honest, maybe some self pity. Okay, definitely some self pity. I really don't have much of an excuse, even though grad school was hard, classes were hard, and so many things felt like they were confusing. However, even in that darkness, the Lord was so near. He was working on my heart and showing me my need for him, and teaching me that I can trust that he will BE THERE. I think of the verse in Hosea where the Lord speaks of Israel and says "Therefore I am now going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." (Hosea 2:14) I feel like that depicts this season so well, and was a verse that the Lord gave me through this time. Yes, I was in the desert, but the Lord was with me, speaking tenderly. He wasn't yelling at me to stop the pity, he was tenderly alluring my heart and speaking his promises over me. What a beautiful God we serve that is not like the people who let us down, but instead is faithful ALWAYS!!!

Then, I got 13 days off in between the end of summer school and the start of fall, and it was SO needed. Over that time, I went home to be with my parents for a few days, and got to relax. I got to spend more time in the Word and I can't even really explain what it felt like, except to say it was like going from the driest desert into the biggest ocean full of Gatorade. I felt full again, I felt like I could run a marathon. It is amazing what the Lord has to offer us when we sit and wait on him. It is crazy how he gives to us in the secret place, that he would make our hearts a "place of delight where the King of Love himself walks and rejoices." Lord, I want my heart to be that place of delight for you. I got the chance to visit my family in Denver, which was absolutely awesome. I went to a Bronco's practice and sat in the VIP tent up front like 5 yards from the players, it was AWESOME!! Not to mention, I got to go indoor skydiving! It was a blast, I just wanted to play in the wind tunnel all day. I got to see my sweet sister and brother and my in laws who are great, and I got to just laugh and play with all 5 kids. We built blanket forts in the basement and I felt like a 8 year old again! We went on a late night ice cream adventure, and we played games and saw movies together. I miss those little ones SO much and I couldn't be more proud of them!

I also got to visit Ally at YWAM (Youth With a Mission) in Arvada, and it was so refreshing to be with my best friend. We had about 30 people ask us if we were sisters, which I take as a huge compliment. We got to hang out with some of the coolest people from all over the world, and people who are truly giving up EVERYTHING to serve God and make him known throughout the earth. FREAKING COOL!!!! I met so many great people there that I feel so blessed to call friends now! I got to wander downtown Denver with Ally, and just spend tons of quality time with her, getting fat on food and talking about all the things we needed to catch up on. I love that girl like my own family, and am so proud of her. She is pursuing Christ with passion and heart and ACTION, and I love watching and seeing the changes in her. She has loved me like no friend I've ever has, and has been such a sweet example of walking through life's ups and downs with someone and never giving up on them. I have a few friends like that, and they are noteworthy. Man, I'm BLESSED when it comes to women of God surrounding me.

Not to mention, the speaker they had at YWAM this week was PHENOM. Her name was Fiona Gifford and she was a traveling missionary/teacher from England. She's been to tons of different countries and is not married and in her 50's, yet she is COMPLETELY okay with being in that place. She was funny, and goofy, and silly, and didn't care about what anyone thought or expected, she just spoke the truth. She was joyful and didn't sit there and tell us a step by step routine to pursuing Christ, but instead painted it as this adventure and made it so FUN. She was witty and clever, vulnerable, and real. She was the most encouraging person I've ever met, not to mention the most blunt and challenging. Hearing her made me feel like I was meant to be at YWAM, like I'd been there all along and finally found a place that I fit in. One of the first things out of her mouth was, "If you are dwelling in self pity, you need to get out of it immediately. Self pity is rooted in pride and selfishness, basically saying that you are too good for the cards life has dealt you and you deserve better. But you don't, you deserve death, and nothing more, but Christ has not given you what you deserve, so you have no reason for self pity." HA! AMEN! It was like the was screaming at me with a megaphone. She also said that the enemy's strategy is always isolation. Deception happens when we are isolated because we were not created for isolation. Satan always tries to isolate us to bring us down and make us think we are not good enough, therefore crippling us from what God has for us. If we seek out community of believers, we resist this strategy and the bible says "Submit yourselves then to God, Resist the Devil and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)

I could talk about more of what I learned from her all night, but instead I will give brief highlights of my favorite parts. She said that God corrects us NOT to punish us, but to bring us back into fellowship. The mark of a mature believer is that you will run towards God and not from him believing that you can make yourself clean first. The beauty of God is that he accepts you while you were still a sinner, he died for us while we were filth. He views those that are his as he views the precious blameless son that died for us, and he has a intricate, wonderful, painful, loving plan for us all. He has put these desires in our heart and given us things that we naturally LOVE to do, so that he can use those things we love to build a career for us, a ministry for us, and a joyful life of abundance for us. What has he placed in your heart that you love to do? and how can you use that to reach others for his kingdom? How can you show Christ's love to others that walk beside you in those things?

She also spoke about how we are often control freaks who try to manipulate things around us because our past was not safe and we feel we need to build walls to provide safety for ourselves. This is a lie, and a lie that causes brokenness of unity. When we hide from others and the truth, we live in darkness. It's not until we relinquish that darkness that our secrets come into the light, and in the light, there is purity. In the light, there is truth, and forgiveness, and growth. There is humility when the walls come down and we find sweet vulnerability again.

Of all of the things she said though, the main thing that hit me was her talk on Unbelief. She said that unbelief is not saying you don't believe IN God, it's saying that you don't believe God. You believe he exists, but you do not believe that he is CAPABLE of doing all that he says he will do and being all that he says he is. We say we believe in God, but when times get hard, we doubt that he is truly good, and that he truly has our best interests at heart. We doubt that he knows better than we do, and we don't believe that he is faithful. Because of this, we live in fear and try to control everything and everyone around us, and inevitably mess it up. Jesus, help me to believe you are who you say you are, and you are capable of all things.

And this is my last highlight: her teaching of hearing the Lord's Voice. It was BEAUTIFUL. She spoke to us about how to listen and wait expectantly and actively for the Lord to speak. She told us there are conditions to hearing the Lord's voice:

1. Lordship- Is he Lord of all in your life? Because he is either Lord of all, or not at all. He must be allowed in the innermost parts of our lives, in our secrets (which really never were secret to God anyways, who are we kidding??) We must deal with our past instead of ignoring it, learn from it, and be ready and willing to DO what he may ask us to do.
2. Faith- This means we don't believe in what we feel, we believe in the Lord and who he says he is. When we FEEL like he is far away, we KNOW he isn't because he says he will NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US. He is who he says he is.
3. Humility- This was cool because she explained that humility is not wringing your hands and thinking you are worthless. It's not ignoring and turning down compliments. It's not having someone tell you that you are a good athlete and you saying "oh, no it's not me I am not good at that it's just Jesus." and saying all the right things that people generally believe makes them "humble." There are two types of pride- superior and inferior. Superior pride walks around thinking it's the stuff, and thinking it's better than everyone else. Inferior is pride which things it's not good enough for anything, and "prides" itself on making others believe it's not prideful. Humility is none of those things, and God hates pretense. Pride hides, seeks secrecy, darkness and deception. Pride doesn't need God. Humility is the willingness to be known and lay all your sin out on the table and admit that you are a sinner who is covered by grace. Humility is admitting sin in order to foster change and growth and even helping others cope with that sin. Humility is realizing your need for Christ.
4. Clean Heart-BOOM. This one hits home for me. This shows itself in all parts of our lives, although most people will automatically assume sexual sin. However, this is often just being disobedient. What is something the Lord has told you to do that you have not yet done? Delayed obedience is disobedience. Or maybe you're having trouble forgiving someone for some wrong they've done to you. Maybe it was a really horrible thing. But you are called to forgive 70 X 7 times, as Christ forgives our wicked hearts, so you must also forgive. Maybe you struggle with your worth and feel like you're only fun to be around when you're drunk- maybe you need to break those chains that tie your heart down.
5. Waiting- This one is often forsaken in today's world because everyone is always so "rushed" going from one thing to the next. No one has time to wait on God anymore, right? I think maybe it's more that we don't have time NOT to wait on God. If we aren't waiting on him for his words, we are leading life pointlessly. We are walking around aimlessly and forgetting that we are not in control.
6. Thankfulness in Advance- Thank God for what he is about to do, and for what he has already done! Thank him for what he will show you and teach you. Thank him for how he has designed a way for us to walk in him!

Okay, I think that's enough for one blog post, I just am so excited about all of this, I can't keep it in! How GOOD is He? How perfect is his timing! Walking with him and hearing his voice is the most joyful experience in life, and I never want to live apart from his presence!! =)

When I flew back into Dallas, Michelle picked me up at DFW, and we headed to her house. Michelle is one of those friends I talked about earlier. This girl is SOLID, and where she struggles, she is vulnerable and humble. She is SUCH a beautiful depiction of Christ and has so much wisdom to offer. I love just hearing her talk because she has one of the biggest vocabularies of all time hahahaha, and she uses words like "exacerbated" in everyday conversation. (michelle, I'm not teasing you, I think its wonderful!) Not to mention we make a great team because I call her out on things, and she calls me out on things right back. I LOVE REAL PEOPLE!!! Thank you Jesus for giving me friends who are not afraid to step on my toes when I'm wrong. What a blessing. Michelle, I love you!!

I drove home and decided to leave my pregnant golden retriever Oakley at home with my parents (God bless them and give them crowns in heaven for that one) because I have no time or place to keep her and her pups in grad school and my tiny apartment. But I miss that blonde furball already and can't wait to bring her back once she's skinny again!

And now I'm back in school and so excited for what the Lord has to come. We are starting a weekly bible study with the girls in my department so that we can actively pursue gospel community and encouragement. We want it to be a time of rest and growth and getting to know one another. I'm SOOOOO EXCITED about it and what the Lord will do. Not to mention I am training for a sprint triathlon in October (kill me) so I'm trying to get in shape so I don't die while running the last leg. This is going to be one heck of a semester, and I'm so excited!! That's about all I have for now!

And to close, I love this verse...

"When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

Seal Island

This week is Shark Week, and I'm not going to lie- if the BP oil spill isn't keeping you away from the gulf coast this year, I'm sure Shark Week will do the trick. I don't understand why Discovery Channel runs a week long terrifying series on shark attacks in the middle of the summer. Shouldn't the coastal states sue for discouraging vacationers? I guess this explains why the folks at Discovery Channel decided to air an hour long show of "how to survive a shark attack," as if any amount of skill or judo maneuvering is really going to up my odds against a hungry great white shark. Good one, DC. Try again.

All that horror aside, I've added "visiting Seal Island" in Africa to my bucket list. Of course, let me clarify, I want to watch the giant sharks get airborn for a baby seal only if:
1. The seals escape, unharmed
2. I'm on a MASSIVE shark-proof boat that has other massive shark-proof boats waiting beside it just in case my boat starts to sink.

Seriously, these cameramen who sit out in the ocean on a little "dingy" waiting for the perfect shot must be recruited from the nut house. You could not pay me enough money to risk having a massive shark jump out of the water for a baby seal and end up landing square on top of my dingy. Then, here I am, swimming with a shark who just lost his perfect chance at a seal because my lame excuse for a boat got in the way. It's times like these I'd be wishing those "how to survive a shark attack" lessons were worth a dime.

If all these arrangements can be made, I think Seal Island is the perfect spot for a good vacay/shark sighting adventure, and I'm pretty sure I could talk a few friends into going too.

So that tops my bucket list, which also consists of the following:

1. Go to a World Cup game
2. Skydive
3. Visit the Holy lands
4. Swim with dolphins
5. Surf and SCUBA dive the Great Barrier Reef
6. Backpack Europe
7. Be on Cash Cab
8. Write a book that gets published
9. Visit all 50 states
10. Go on at least a month long mission trip to another country.

List still growing... if you have any good ideas, shoot them my way. =) I can always dream!

Welcome to my Insane Heart and Complicated Thoughts. Enjoy!

I really only write this because it feels good to get it out of my mind and onto "paper"...I don't even know where to begin with where my thoughts have been lately.

First of all, let me start off with the fact that everyone in my life is either married, engaged, or dating "the one." And if they aren't, they are miles and miles away from me right now and hard to talk to just because of time. It has begun to be this very lonely season for me-which could be good or bad depending upon how I look at it I guess. I know that the Lord promises that he is always with us and will never forsake us, and that he is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And that is comforting. But I'm not going to lie and say that my flesh doesn't wish so much for that kind of closeness in a tangible person. I seriously could not possible have seen more pictures of wedding dresses, rings, bridesmaids dresses, cakes, etc, etc, etc, than I have in the past two months. My friends are wedding crazy- it's like a disease. They are all dating people seriously and l know the wedding dress designers' names and what cut diamond they want. They picked out colors when they were like 6 years old and know exactly what they want their weddings to be like. I personally could care less what my wedding is like, as long as I'm marrying a man who I can say is my very best friend.

In complete vulnerability I have to say that for my entire life my heart has desired so much to be joined with someone else, learning to love that person and feeling loved back. My deepest desire is to have a family, to be a mom and a wife- the kind who wakes up and cooks breakfast and makes coffee before her family gets up, the kind who teaches my kids how to be a better woman than I ever was or ever will be. I've thought so many times about all the things I want to tell them, all the ways I want to spoil them, and all the laughs I want to share with them. I want to be with a man who can lead them-and me. Who looks at me and sees value, sees worth. I want to love him better than I could possibly love without Jesus's help. I want to go through valleys and sit upon mountaintops, knowing that we will always fight through it. I want a man who is compassionate-but strong, wise-but humble, spontaneous-but faithful. I want to sit in the mornings and talk about the deep places of God, and work together to try to raise a beautiful family with the guidance we find from the Word. I want to laugh and be silly and just adore someone who I know adores me too. I want someone who can tell me NO when I am out of line, and who will always hold me to better standards than I think I'm capable of. I want trust. But most of all, I want REAL, raw, open honest life where my flaws and his flaws are out on the table and we are loving each other through them. I want it so much that it hurts, and truly, in these seasons of being lonely, my heart always tends to wonder what is wrong with me. I feel sometimes like there is never going to be a place where I really fit. I thought I found that place, and that things were finally coming together, but everything just changed one day again- and now here I am, back in the same place I was a year ago- wondering how I got back here, and where to go now.

My struggle is not just with finding "the one" as they call it, but also just in fitting in in this world. I wonder sometimes why I want to fit in anywhere in this world when this world is not my home. Why should I fit in when I was born to stand out? Why should my hopes be to fit into a mold when the Lord created me uniquely? I think that's just it- I don't want to fit in with this world, but I want to find a place that I fit in Christ's body- in his people. Here I have spent four years at Baylor, and I feel like every time I turn around all I hear about is "stuff." Don't get me wrong- I have met some of the most self-sacrificing, down to earth, wonderful people at Baylor, and I am SO thankful. But most of those people have left and moved out of town. I feel like I go and sit down at a restaurant and hear people talk about everything designer that they own and how great their friend is dressed- and there I am in my t-shirt and shorts just thinking Lord, I will never fit here.

I wish so much that I would just be free of these expectations and these social rules. I am tired of feeling like I need to fit in with anything. I want to do something that matters- I want to travel the world and love the hurting. I want to find something better than myself to focus on. I want to find mystery in simple moments, and beauty in stillness. I wish I could just move to a country where no one cares about status, no one cares about money, and no one cares about things... and I could just wear my t-shirt and laugh with people who had finally figured out what was important in this world-EACH OTHER. RELATIONSHIPS. LOVE.

I try so hard not to dwell on these thoughts, but to be quite honest- sometimes they consume me. How can you hide the desires for one of your deepest passions? I know it all seems so stupid and trivial in comparison to the overwhelming blessings in my life, but I believe God meets us in our own personal places of doubt and struggle, and I believe that he knows that no two struggles are the same, and comforts those in them equally. This one has just really hit me hard. I don't need pity- because with Christ, I WILL get up and walk out of this place. I don't need advice- because I know what I need to do. I just want to know that I am not alone on this crazy journey that is so full of beauty but also pain.

I know I am probably rambling, but I don't care. This is me. I am a hot mess of rambling and unfinished thoughts and drama and questions. I rarely say the right things, am way too competitive, and I stick my foot in my mouth 90% of the time. I say things before I think, and I'm impulsive. I am simple, and plain, and I have bigger dreams than I know where to begin. I don't care a thing about "things" and I would probably wear shorts and a t-shirt every day of my life if it were professional. I am not a trend-setter, and I am insecure. I am different. I am sometimes overly sensitive- but I would rather be that than hardened to love.

It would be so easy to just give up on people and live by myself and just BE. But what is the fun in that? What is the purpose in that? Where is the shared love, the growth, the reward that comes from walking through life with another person who you value more than yourself? Lord, I want this. I want the hard road that is full of reward, the narrow way that leads to life. And when it gets hard, like it is now, Lord I will rest in knowing that it's not because you have left me, but because you are pruning me, and molding me, twisting and kneading me into something better than I am now. I will choose to believe that you are in those moments, crafting them into perfection. Jesus, you know my heart- you know my deepest desires, and yet you love me anyways- and even though I feel like I'm going backwards, you are making the way for the most perfect love, and for these reasons, I am in love with YOU. Thank you Lord, for filling up places of doubt with unshakeable peace. Continue to place streams of living water in deserts and desolation. Thank you for reminding me of what is truly important in this world that is so full of distractions. Lord I set my heart and my focus on you. CHANGE ME

It's really funny how God shows up in the seemingly insignificant moments. It blows my mind that this big God cares enough about me to show up just to reassure me of his presence. Why would he ever need to reassure someone of his vast presence? Yet, he does.

Tonight I was running as the sun was going down- and I can't really explain it, but God was just so beautiful to me in that moment. I was looking around and seeing all the colors and I just found myself in this place of absolute thankfulness for creation, for being able to run and move and function normally, and for Jesus showing up when I'm at my weakest moments and reminding me that I am not strong, but that he is strong where I am weak ALL the more. I'm surrounded every day with kids and adults, many of whom don't have the blessing of the ability to move and function at normal levels, and it really makes me thankful that God has blessed me and my family with good health. It makes me want to stop complaining when I make a comment about how much I don't want to work out haha... I can honestly say this summer I have learned SO much more from them than they could ever learn from me.

I love how Jesus comes into this place of need and fills it with this lasting presence. It is such a beautiful thing to watch him move and work, sometimes in really small seemingly insignificant ways. But nothing is insignificant with God- everything, even the smallest thing is made beautiful when he breathes life into it. If there is one thing in my life that I would hate, it would be to never feel his presence again-because feeling his presence is literally the greatest thing in the world. To experience his peace is the greatest rest.

At times it's hard to remember what I'm doing here in school- and I wonder why I'm not at Kanakuk like every other summer, or why I'm not with my family that I miss like crazy. And then all of a sudden my client smiles at me and asks me for help, accomplishes a goal, or says something that makes me laugh- and I realize that this is the place God has for me for this season, for a significant reason, for a change in both my sometimes arrogant heart and maybe, just maybe, for a change in a child's life. Suddenly God shows up and reminds my forgetful heart of his presence that works ALL THINGS together for good.

Lord make everything I do mirror how you chose to live and serve. God give me a heart that breaks for the same things as yours, and a heart that loves deeply, richly, and fully. Lord teach me that true service is service when I LEAST want to. I can't do anything good, anything, lasting, or anything beautiful apart from you!

He is so good. No matter what difficult thing comes my way- he is good. He is good because no matter what I face here on this earth, I am saved by grace and loved beyond anything I could hope to deserve. =)

Consider it pure joy, brothers, when you face trials of many kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1: 2-4, 12