Thanksgiving.

Today as I drove home from Dallas dropping a dear friend off, I turned off the music in my car (something I rarely do). I sat in silence as I thought about the past few weeks and the compared them to weeks two, even three years ago. I just sat there and reflected on how different my life looks, and how even though God has moved mountains in my life, my struggles still look quite the same. I think, as a girl, I was born with the same struggles that nearly every girl faces- and in every season of my life, although they may wear a different coat, they are the same sneaky burglars who steal my joy. The beauty, however, in this hour of reflection, was in this- that although my struggles are the same, my response to them and my way out of them has slowly become different. And in that, I found a small and subtle victory. Although every day I have to wake up and bind those thieves, my ropes are getting a little bit thicker, and those seeking to devour me tend to have a little more trouble wriggling their way out of them to prey upon me the next day. I became completely filled with just absolute thankfulness on the drive home. Thankfulness for the friends that buy plane tickets to come visit me for the weekend, for the family that I can never stop laughing around, for the life that I get to wake up and breathe to every morning. Thankfulness that a Holy and blameless God could love my absolute train wreck and want good things for my life and the life of my family. Thankful that I haven't had to experience devastation that some families have had to walk through. But overall, thankfulness that even if I do eventually have to experience something devastating, that I never have to face it alone.

If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.

Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.

The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?

A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?

Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.

How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?