Welcome to my Insane Heart and Complicated Thoughts. Enjoy!

I really only write this because it feels good to get it out of my mind and onto "paper"...I don't even know where to begin with where my thoughts have been lately.

First of all, let me start off with the fact that everyone in my life is either married, engaged, or dating "the one." And if they aren't, they are miles and miles away from me right now and hard to talk to just because of time. It has begun to be this very lonely season for me-which could be good or bad depending upon how I look at it I guess. I know that the Lord promises that he is always with us and will never forsake us, and that he is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. And that is comforting. But I'm not going to lie and say that my flesh doesn't wish so much for that kind of closeness in a tangible person. I seriously could not possible have seen more pictures of wedding dresses, rings, bridesmaids dresses, cakes, etc, etc, etc, than I have in the past two months. My friends are wedding crazy- it's like a disease. They are all dating people seriously and l know the wedding dress designers' names and what cut diamond they want. They picked out colors when they were like 6 years old and know exactly what they want their weddings to be like. I personally could care less what my wedding is like, as long as I'm marrying a man who I can say is my very best friend.

In complete vulnerability I have to say that for my entire life my heart has desired so much to be joined with someone else, learning to love that person and feeling loved back. My deepest desire is to have a family, to be a mom and a wife- the kind who wakes up and cooks breakfast and makes coffee before her family gets up, the kind who teaches my kids how to be a better woman than I ever was or ever will be. I've thought so many times about all the things I want to tell them, all the ways I want to spoil them, and all the laughs I want to share with them. I want to be with a man who can lead them-and me. Who looks at me and sees value, sees worth. I want to love him better than I could possibly love without Jesus's help. I want to go through valleys and sit upon mountaintops, knowing that we will always fight through it. I want a man who is compassionate-but strong, wise-but humble, spontaneous-but faithful. I want to sit in the mornings and talk about the deep places of God, and work together to try to raise a beautiful family with the guidance we find from the Word. I want to laugh and be silly and just adore someone who I know adores me too. I want someone who can tell me NO when I am out of line, and who will always hold me to better standards than I think I'm capable of. I want trust. But most of all, I want REAL, raw, open honest life where my flaws and his flaws are out on the table and we are loving each other through them. I want it so much that it hurts, and truly, in these seasons of being lonely, my heart always tends to wonder what is wrong with me. I feel sometimes like there is never going to be a place where I really fit. I thought I found that place, and that things were finally coming together, but everything just changed one day again- and now here I am, back in the same place I was a year ago- wondering how I got back here, and where to go now.

My struggle is not just with finding "the one" as they call it, but also just in fitting in in this world. I wonder sometimes why I want to fit in anywhere in this world when this world is not my home. Why should I fit in when I was born to stand out? Why should my hopes be to fit into a mold when the Lord created me uniquely? I think that's just it- I don't want to fit in with this world, but I want to find a place that I fit in Christ's body- in his people. Here I have spent four years at Baylor, and I feel like every time I turn around all I hear about is "stuff." Don't get me wrong- I have met some of the most self-sacrificing, down to earth, wonderful people at Baylor, and I am SO thankful. But most of those people have left and moved out of town. I feel like I go and sit down at a restaurant and hear people talk about everything designer that they own and how great their friend is dressed- and there I am in my t-shirt and shorts just thinking Lord, I will never fit here.

I wish so much that I would just be free of these expectations and these social rules. I am tired of feeling like I need to fit in with anything. I want to do something that matters- I want to travel the world and love the hurting. I want to find something better than myself to focus on. I want to find mystery in simple moments, and beauty in stillness. I wish I could just move to a country where no one cares about status, no one cares about money, and no one cares about things... and I could just wear my t-shirt and laugh with people who had finally figured out what was important in this world-EACH OTHER. RELATIONSHIPS. LOVE.

I try so hard not to dwell on these thoughts, but to be quite honest- sometimes they consume me. How can you hide the desires for one of your deepest passions? I know it all seems so stupid and trivial in comparison to the overwhelming blessings in my life, but I believe God meets us in our own personal places of doubt and struggle, and I believe that he knows that no two struggles are the same, and comforts those in them equally. This one has just really hit me hard. I don't need pity- because with Christ, I WILL get up and walk out of this place. I don't need advice- because I know what I need to do. I just want to know that I am not alone on this crazy journey that is so full of beauty but also pain.

I know I am probably rambling, but I don't care. This is me. I am a hot mess of rambling and unfinished thoughts and drama and questions. I rarely say the right things, am way too competitive, and I stick my foot in my mouth 90% of the time. I say things before I think, and I'm impulsive. I am simple, and plain, and I have bigger dreams than I know where to begin. I don't care a thing about "things" and I would probably wear shorts and a t-shirt every day of my life if it were professional. I am not a trend-setter, and I am insecure. I am different. I am sometimes overly sensitive- but I would rather be that than hardened to love.

It would be so easy to just give up on people and live by myself and just BE. But what is the fun in that? What is the purpose in that? Where is the shared love, the growth, the reward that comes from walking through life with another person who you value more than yourself? Lord, I want this. I want the hard road that is full of reward, the narrow way that leads to life. And when it gets hard, like it is now, Lord I will rest in knowing that it's not because you have left me, but because you are pruning me, and molding me, twisting and kneading me into something better than I am now. I will choose to believe that you are in those moments, crafting them into perfection. Jesus, you know my heart- you know my deepest desires, and yet you love me anyways- and even though I feel like I'm going backwards, you are making the way for the most perfect love, and for these reasons, I am in love with YOU. Thank you Lord, for filling up places of doubt with unshakeable peace. Continue to place streams of living water in deserts and desolation. Thank you for reminding me of what is truly important in this world that is so full of distractions. Lord I set my heart and my focus on you. CHANGE ME