Refreshment

"And the Great Shepherd said, 'I must tell you a great truth that only few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of love. Many a quiet, ordinary, and hidden life, unknown to the world, is a veritable garden in which love's flowers and fruits have come to such perfection that it is a place of delight where the King of Love himself walks and rejoices."- Hinds' Feet on High Places

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because I can't find a good place to begin. So I'm going to do my best, but this might be a little sloppy, so bear with me. I spent the summer in one of the largest valleys of my life, a place of loneliness and fear and to be honest, maybe some self pity. Okay, definitely some self pity. I really don't have much of an excuse, even though grad school was hard, classes were hard, and so many things felt like they were confusing. However, even in that darkness, the Lord was so near. He was working on my heart and showing me my need for him, and teaching me that I can trust that he will BE THERE. I think of the verse in Hosea where the Lord speaks of Israel and says "Therefore I am now going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." (Hosea 2:14) I feel like that depicts this season so well, and was a verse that the Lord gave me through this time. Yes, I was in the desert, but the Lord was with me, speaking tenderly. He wasn't yelling at me to stop the pity, he was tenderly alluring my heart and speaking his promises over me. What a beautiful God we serve that is not like the people who let us down, but instead is faithful ALWAYS!!!

Then, I got 13 days off in between the end of summer school and the start of fall, and it was SO needed. Over that time, I went home to be with my parents for a few days, and got to relax. I got to spend more time in the Word and I can't even really explain what it felt like, except to say it was like going from the driest desert into the biggest ocean full of Gatorade. I felt full again, I felt like I could run a marathon. It is amazing what the Lord has to offer us when we sit and wait on him. It is crazy how he gives to us in the secret place, that he would make our hearts a "place of delight where the King of Love himself walks and rejoices." Lord, I want my heart to be that place of delight for you. I got the chance to visit my family in Denver, which was absolutely awesome. I went to a Bronco's practice and sat in the VIP tent up front like 5 yards from the players, it was AWESOME!! Not to mention, I got to go indoor skydiving! It was a blast, I just wanted to play in the wind tunnel all day. I got to see my sweet sister and brother and my in laws who are great, and I got to just laugh and play with all 5 kids. We built blanket forts in the basement and I felt like a 8 year old again! We went on a late night ice cream adventure, and we played games and saw movies together. I miss those little ones SO much and I couldn't be more proud of them!

I also got to visit Ally at YWAM (Youth With a Mission) in Arvada, and it was so refreshing to be with my best friend. We had about 30 people ask us if we were sisters, which I take as a huge compliment. We got to hang out with some of the coolest people from all over the world, and people who are truly giving up EVERYTHING to serve God and make him known throughout the earth. FREAKING COOL!!!! I met so many great people there that I feel so blessed to call friends now! I got to wander downtown Denver with Ally, and just spend tons of quality time with her, getting fat on food and talking about all the things we needed to catch up on. I love that girl like my own family, and am so proud of her. She is pursuing Christ with passion and heart and ACTION, and I love watching and seeing the changes in her. She has loved me like no friend I've ever has, and has been such a sweet example of walking through life's ups and downs with someone and never giving up on them. I have a few friends like that, and they are noteworthy. Man, I'm BLESSED when it comes to women of God surrounding me.

Not to mention, the speaker they had at YWAM this week was PHENOM. Her name was Fiona Gifford and she was a traveling missionary/teacher from England. She's been to tons of different countries and is not married and in her 50's, yet she is COMPLETELY okay with being in that place. She was funny, and goofy, and silly, and didn't care about what anyone thought or expected, she just spoke the truth. She was joyful and didn't sit there and tell us a step by step routine to pursuing Christ, but instead painted it as this adventure and made it so FUN. She was witty and clever, vulnerable, and real. She was the most encouraging person I've ever met, not to mention the most blunt and challenging. Hearing her made me feel like I was meant to be at YWAM, like I'd been there all along and finally found a place that I fit in. One of the first things out of her mouth was, "If you are dwelling in self pity, you need to get out of it immediately. Self pity is rooted in pride and selfishness, basically saying that you are too good for the cards life has dealt you and you deserve better. But you don't, you deserve death, and nothing more, but Christ has not given you what you deserve, so you have no reason for self pity." HA! AMEN! It was like the was screaming at me with a megaphone. She also said that the enemy's strategy is always isolation. Deception happens when we are isolated because we were not created for isolation. Satan always tries to isolate us to bring us down and make us think we are not good enough, therefore crippling us from what God has for us. If we seek out community of believers, we resist this strategy and the bible says "Submit yourselves then to God, Resist the Devil and he will flee from you." (James 4:7)

I could talk about more of what I learned from her all night, but instead I will give brief highlights of my favorite parts. She said that God corrects us NOT to punish us, but to bring us back into fellowship. The mark of a mature believer is that you will run towards God and not from him believing that you can make yourself clean first. The beauty of God is that he accepts you while you were still a sinner, he died for us while we were filth. He views those that are his as he views the precious blameless son that died for us, and he has a intricate, wonderful, painful, loving plan for us all. He has put these desires in our heart and given us things that we naturally LOVE to do, so that he can use those things we love to build a career for us, a ministry for us, and a joyful life of abundance for us. What has he placed in your heart that you love to do? and how can you use that to reach others for his kingdom? How can you show Christ's love to others that walk beside you in those things?

She also spoke about how we are often control freaks who try to manipulate things around us because our past was not safe and we feel we need to build walls to provide safety for ourselves. This is a lie, and a lie that causes brokenness of unity. When we hide from others and the truth, we live in darkness. It's not until we relinquish that darkness that our secrets come into the light, and in the light, there is purity. In the light, there is truth, and forgiveness, and growth. There is humility when the walls come down and we find sweet vulnerability again.

Of all of the things she said though, the main thing that hit me was her talk on Unbelief. She said that unbelief is not saying you don't believe IN God, it's saying that you don't believe God. You believe he exists, but you do not believe that he is CAPABLE of doing all that he says he will do and being all that he says he is. We say we believe in God, but when times get hard, we doubt that he is truly good, and that he truly has our best interests at heart. We doubt that he knows better than we do, and we don't believe that he is faithful. Because of this, we live in fear and try to control everything and everyone around us, and inevitably mess it up. Jesus, help me to believe you are who you say you are, and you are capable of all things.

And this is my last highlight: her teaching of hearing the Lord's Voice. It was BEAUTIFUL. She spoke to us about how to listen and wait expectantly and actively for the Lord to speak. She told us there are conditions to hearing the Lord's voice:

1. Lordship- Is he Lord of all in your life? Because he is either Lord of all, or not at all. He must be allowed in the innermost parts of our lives, in our secrets (which really never were secret to God anyways, who are we kidding??) We must deal with our past instead of ignoring it, learn from it, and be ready and willing to DO what he may ask us to do.
2. Faith- This means we don't believe in what we feel, we believe in the Lord and who he says he is. When we FEEL like he is far away, we KNOW he isn't because he says he will NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US. He is who he says he is.
3. Humility- This was cool because she explained that humility is not wringing your hands and thinking you are worthless. It's not ignoring and turning down compliments. It's not having someone tell you that you are a good athlete and you saying "oh, no it's not me I am not good at that it's just Jesus." and saying all the right things that people generally believe makes them "humble." There are two types of pride- superior and inferior. Superior pride walks around thinking it's the stuff, and thinking it's better than everyone else. Inferior is pride which things it's not good enough for anything, and "prides" itself on making others believe it's not prideful. Humility is none of those things, and God hates pretense. Pride hides, seeks secrecy, darkness and deception. Pride doesn't need God. Humility is the willingness to be known and lay all your sin out on the table and admit that you are a sinner who is covered by grace. Humility is admitting sin in order to foster change and growth and even helping others cope with that sin. Humility is realizing your need for Christ.
4. Clean Heart-BOOM. This one hits home for me. This shows itself in all parts of our lives, although most people will automatically assume sexual sin. However, this is often just being disobedient. What is something the Lord has told you to do that you have not yet done? Delayed obedience is disobedience. Or maybe you're having trouble forgiving someone for some wrong they've done to you. Maybe it was a really horrible thing. But you are called to forgive 70 X 7 times, as Christ forgives our wicked hearts, so you must also forgive. Maybe you struggle with your worth and feel like you're only fun to be around when you're drunk- maybe you need to break those chains that tie your heart down.
5. Waiting- This one is often forsaken in today's world because everyone is always so "rushed" going from one thing to the next. No one has time to wait on God anymore, right? I think maybe it's more that we don't have time NOT to wait on God. If we aren't waiting on him for his words, we are leading life pointlessly. We are walking around aimlessly and forgetting that we are not in control.
6. Thankfulness in Advance- Thank God for what he is about to do, and for what he has already done! Thank him for what he will show you and teach you. Thank him for how he has designed a way for us to walk in him!

Okay, I think that's enough for one blog post, I just am so excited about all of this, I can't keep it in! How GOOD is He? How perfect is his timing! Walking with him and hearing his voice is the most joyful experience in life, and I never want to live apart from his presence!! =)

When I flew back into Dallas, Michelle picked me up at DFW, and we headed to her house. Michelle is one of those friends I talked about earlier. This girl is SOLID, and where she struggles, she is vulnerable and humble. She is SUCH a beautiful depiction of Christ and has so much wisdom to offer. I love just hearing her talk because she has one of the biggest vocabularies of all time hahahaha, and she uses words like "exacerbated" in everyday conversation. (michelle, I'm not teasing you, I think its wonderful!) Not to mention we make a great team because I call her out on things, and she calls me out on things right back. I LOVE REAL PEOPLE!!! Thank you Jesus for giving me friends who are not afraid to step on my toes when I'm wrong. What a blessing. Michelle, I love you!!

I drove home and decided to leave my pregnant golden retriever Oakley at home with my parents (God bless them and give them crowns in heaven for that one) because I have no time or place to keep her and her pups in grad school and my tiny apartment. But I miss that blonde furball already and can't wait to bring her back once she's skinny again!

And now I'm back in school and so excited for what the Lord has to come. We are starting a weekly bible study with the girls in my department so that we can actively pursue gospel community and encouragement. We want it to be a time of rest and growth and getting to know one another. I'm SOOOOO EXCITED about it and what the Lord will do. Not to mention I am training for a sprint triathlon in October (kill me) so I'm trying to get in shape so I don't die while running the last leg. This is going to be one heck of a semester, and I'm so excited!! That's about all I have for now!

And to close, I love this verse...

"When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4