On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.
This break has been such a fresh breath. I forget sometimes how great it feels to have time to spend doing the things I really love. Time to cook in the kitchen next to my mom, sit and watch movies, read books I’ve wanted to get around to for a long time- the one’s that don’t cost $150 and have “speech-language pathology” somewhere in the title. It is so much fun to be able to spend time throwing the ball for my dog, eating crawfish, and driving to see my best friend.
I don’t know how to explain the way life is going-except to say that it’s different. Different in a really good way that makes me walk outside in the morning and smile. That sounds really stupid and corny- but really, I think the problem for a while was my lack of awareness. I knew about God, I’d even say I knew God, but when I’d wake up in the morning I would forget to be AWARE of his goodness, AWARE of his grace and mercy in my life, and AWARE of those around me. I am nowhere near becoming all that I want to be- but I can honestly say with God’s grace, my awareness has definitely increased.
I sat down last week and made a long list of the attributes I want to display in my life. These ranged from how I spend my money and how I give my money, to how I prioritize my days and time. I listed qualities I want to have like gentleness and humility. After I finished, I made a list of practical ways I could make that list a reality. Bear in mind the number one way to ever make that list happen is to beg Jesus DAILY for grace to change, and pray every time I can that he will keep shaving off the garbage to make room for the new. I want so much to be the kind of woman that brings glory to my Father, whether in the big things or the little. My desire is to become someone who is concerned not with impressing the people I want to please, but with loving those who may not ever get it. I don’t want anyone to walk through my life and feel invisible.
Of course, as soon as I let my guard down I fail in epic ways. I seriously do not understand how quickly I forget. But I think, by cutting out those things that cause my ridiculous mind to wander to the world, I can make myself more AWARE.
It daily blows my mind how much hope I put in everything but JESUS. How my identity wanders around like a lost puppy. My identity, when rooted in truth, tells me how He knew me before the creation of the world. How he knit me together in my mother’s womb, and numbered the hairs on my head. It tells me that I am Christ’s beloved, created in Him to do good works that he prepared in advance for me to do. It reminds me that there is not a single plan that can succeed without Christ setting it in motion. But when my identity is rooted in other things, my heart believes lies. My heart is like an extremely gullible kid with a terrible memory problem.
Me: “Hey, remember how I am Christ’s workmanship?”
My heart: “Ohhh yeah I think I remember you saying something about that. That’s awesome! Praise the Lord!”
Satan: “You’re not good enough”
My Heart: “Maybe you’re right… it doesn’t seem like the truth but I can’t really remember why…but I guess you’re right, I’m not good enough.”
Me: “But Jesus says I am justified, I am good enough.”
My heart: “Ohh yeah that sounds familiar… have you told me that before?”
I mean seriously, it’s kind of pathetic. COME ON HEART! Get yourself together and stop forgetting!
It’s only through this daily walking with a God who has an unbelievably great memory, and an ideal way of reminding me that I am HIS, that I stand even a remote chance at conquering my number one opponent- MYSELF. It is only through his grace that I’m reminded that although some thoughts in my life are true, they are not worth thinking. What is worth thinking is a thought that spurs me on to love someone else- a thought that empowers me to become better. I become my own worst enemy when I refuse to wrap my mind around the fact that I CANNOT save myself. I cannot change myself. I can maybe change the wrapper that covers me, but I cannot change the inside of the package. In the words of Matt Chandler:
“You cannot sanctify yourself. You were washed. You were sanctified. You were justified. You get to stand before God as holy, blameless, and spotless in his sight. You were justified by the Holy Spirit, who opened up your heart and mind to the weight of the glory of God as seen in Christ, that he knew ALL of your shortcomings and still went to the cross so that you would be unable to walk in pity for yourselves.”
That quote roasted me. I mean, how many times do I mess up and then let my own guilt for messing up keep me from falling at the feet of my savior and learning to trust that he’s already forgiven- that he’s cast my sin as far as the east is from the west and has his arms open wide for redemption. There is no human being that loves like this. Not a single one.
And so, I hope to become something better, by the grace of God someone a little less consumed with garbage. I hope to get in the habit of standing on the solid rock, and not placing my hope in things that are like sandcastles on the beach. I used to build those when I was little, and I would watch as the tide would come in and knock them down a little at a time. Life has it’s way of knocking down all those things we put our hope in. But at the end of the day- Life cannot knock down the solid rock. There will be a day when I am no longer best friends with Ally or Meredith. There will be a day when people won’t introduce me as “Melony’s daughter.” There will come a day when I am no longer a speech pathologist. Those things will all die with me. All of my money will be distributed to someone else. All of my stuff will be sold at some cheap estate sale or hauled to the dump. One day I won’t be able to hear my music anymore, and I won’t always have the abilities I have now. But the one thing that will always be true is that I am a child of the Living God. I am favored in his sight not because of a single thing I did, but because of his unbelievable gift and the Holy Spirit’s uncanny ability to change my wicked heart. Suddenly all of those other things I put my hope in become little sandcastles, and I can laugh as I see them all wash away.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thanksgiving.
Today as I drove home from Dallas dropping a dear friend off, I turned off the music in my car (something I rarely do). I sat in silence as I thought about the past few weeks and the compared them to weeks two, even three years ago. I just sat there and reflected on how different my life looks, and how even though God has moved mountains in my life, my struggles still look quite the same. I think, as a girl, I was born with the same struggles that nearly every girl faces- and in every season of my life, although they may wear a different coat, they are the same sneaky burglars who steal my joy. The beauty, however, in this hour of reflection, was in this- that although my struggles are the same, my response to them and my way out of them has slowly become different. And in that, I found a small and subtle victory. Although every day I have to wake up and bind those thieves, my ropes are getting a little bit thicker, and those seeking to devour me tend to have a little more trouble wriggling their way out of them to prey upon me the next day. I became completely filled with just absolute thankfulness on the drive home. Thankfulness for the friends that buy plane tickets to come visit me for the weekend, for the family that I can never stop laughing around, for the life that I get to wake up and breathe to every morning. Thankfulness that a Holy and blameless God could love my absolute train wreck and want good things for my life and the life of my family. Thankful that I haven't had to experience devastation that some families have had to walk through. But overall, thankfulness that even if I do eventually have to experience something devastating, that I never have to face it alone.
If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.
Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.
The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?
A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?
Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.
How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?
If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.
Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.
The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?
A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?
Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.
How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?
Monday, November 15, 2010
He's Not a Safe Lion...
I'm never sure how exactly to begin a blog post. Do I start with the ever-cliche but always thought provoking quote? Or do I try to think of my own profound way of summing up what this blog post is going to be about? I think that's the real problem-because if I tried to sum up what my blogs were about in my opening sentence, it would look something like this:
"This is going to be an unbelievably erratic and completely disorganized jumble of my ridiculous thoughts, and I'm not really sure how long it will be because I usually just write until I feel like stopping." So yeah, hang on for dear life if you want- welcome to my crazy mind. =)
Lately God has been taking me on a real journey. I can't say that it's been fun- but it's been so, so good. It reminds me of the quote in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asks Mr. Beaver if Aslan the lion (representing Jesus) is safe, to which he replies, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good." God doesn't promise our safety, or our happiness- but he promises GOOD for our lives. Knowing that every trial that we have seen is only one sent to make us realize our need and the rescuing qualities of our savior.
"Our Lord in his infinite wisdom and superabundant love sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith that now supports you if the trial of your faith had not put you through the fire."
I LOVE the God who loves me enough to send trials. I can't say that I enjoy them the way I enjoy laying on the beach during spring break. I can't say they are blissful- but I can say they are GOOD. And they are making me into someone better than the crummy, controlling, insecure person that I am without them.
He loves me too much to leave me in my waste. OH PRAISE HIM for this!
This semester I have really struggled with knowing if grad school is what I am supposed to be doing. I think it's because I didn't see grad school as a source of joy in my life- and I know that when I am in God's will I should be experiencing joy. I find joy in so many other ways- and it made me wonder if I wasn't just supposed to move away and do missions and be able to be open with other people about Jesus. Then, like a slap in the face, God spoke. He made me realize that I have such a mission field here, at the clinic with my clients and with my friends. He showed me that if I can't be a missionary in my workplace, I have no business trying to be a missionary anywhere else. It's easy to go to another country where you don't know anyone, where children are happy to see you and the people need you, where they don't have any expectations of you, and they don't know your junk and your struggles. It's easy to have all the answers then. But what about in your workplace, where everyone around you has maybe seen you on a really bad day? What about around kids who aren't so happy to see you? What about with people you feel the need to impress? It's not so easy then.
I have found that it's all about my mindset, and clearing and preparing my mind for something new every day. My Jesus is just waiting for me with arms full of opportunities to show him to others, and it's up to me whether or not I'm going to miss those opportunities or not. This weekend at church, the pastor said something that really hit me. He said, "Gifted people who don't use their gifts for Godliness bring praise to themselves and their gifts. But Godly people who use their gifts bring praise and attention to their God." In other words- if I'm using my gifts humbly, and for the Lord, people should look at me and see JESUS. If I'm using my gifts to bring attention to myself and to get others to see how gifted I am, then yeah, maybe people will see my gifts- but they'll miss Jesus. They will see me, and not him. I don't want people to see me- I want them to see Jesus.
When I go to work I want people to ask, "Does this therapist work for a hospital or for God? Does she spend her day in work or worship? Does she make money or a difference? Every morning she climbs in the boat Jesus loaned her. The two of them row out into the water and cast nets." ---(from Max Lucado)
How can we make our work be worshipful? How can I use my gifts to help people around me- to show them Jesus? How can I make a difference in more than just someone's speech therapy? How can I be in love with people, and not their perfections? How can I learn that loving relationship is more important than anything else?
I love than in all these thoughts, Jesus is just revealing the surface of his depths. I could learn about him, taste his goodness forever, and it would only be a drop in the bucket. I could try with all my heart to be worthy to earn what he has freely given me in his salvation, but I would come up pitifully short. I can't fathom his goodness. I can't believe he would never give up on me. No matter how annoying I can get, no matter how much I complain, or how needy I am- he never walks out. I can spit in his face, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. And yet, as he wraps me up in his arms, he sends things into my life to mess everything up. He destroys my dreams that aren't rooted in him. And sometimes, all I can see is the destruction. But the beautiful truth is that he sees the finish line. He knows exactly what I need in order to bring him the most glory and me the most joy, and he loves me enough to not let me rest in the mediocre. He sends the storms, but he drives the boat that makes it through them. He may not be safe, he is not just a nice guy. He is not afraid to step on my toes, and he doesn't care about my comfort. But he is GOOD. He is righteous. He is faithful. And where people will let me down, he never will. Where I will fail, he will pick up the pieces and make it better than it was before.
Never in my life have I felt so loved by such a big God, and yet so unworthy of it. That is the beauty of real love.
"My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." -John 10:29
"This is going to be an unbelievably erratic and completely disorganized jumble of my ridiculous thoughts, and I'm not really sure how long it will be because I usually just write until I feel like stopping." So yeah, hang on for dear life if you want- welcome to my crazy mind. =)
Lately God has been taking me on a real journey. I can't say that it's been fun- but it's been so, so good. It reminds me of the quote in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asks Mr. Beaver if Aslan the lion (representing Jesus) is safe, to which he replies, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good." God doesn't promise our safety, or our happiness- but he promises GOOD for our lives. Knowing that every trial that we have seen is only one sent to make us realize our need and the rescuing qualities of our savior.
"Our Lord in his infinite wisdom and superabundant love sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith that now supports you if the trial of your faith had not put you through the fire."
I LOVE the God who loves me enough to send trials. I can't say that I enjoy them the way I enjoy laying on the beach during spring break. I can't say they are blissful- but I can say they are GOOD. And they are making me into someone better than the crummy, controlling, insecure person that I am without them.
He loves me too much to leave me in my waste. OH PRAISE HIM for this!
This semester I have really struggled with knowing if grad school is what I am supposed to be doing. I think it's because I didn't see grad school as a source of joy in my life- and I know that when I am in God's will I should be experiencing joy. I find joy in so many other ways- and it made me wonder if I wasn't just supposed to move away and do missions and be able to be open with other people about Jesus. Then, like a slap in the face, God spoke. He made me realize that I have such a mission field here, at the clinic with my clients and with my friends. He showed me that if I can't be a missionary in my workplace, I have no business trying to be a missionary anywhere else. It's easy to go to another country where you don't know anyone, where children are happy to see you and the people need you, where they don't have any expectations of you, and they don't know your junk and your struggles. It's easy to have all the answers then. But what about in your workplace, where everyone around you has maybe seen you on a really bad day? What about around kids who aren't so happy to see you? What about with people you feel the need to impress? It's not so easy then.
I have found that it's all about my mindset, and clearing and preparing my mind for something new every day. My Jesus is just waiting for me with arms full of opportunities to show him to others, and it's up to me whether or not I'm going to miss those opportunities or not. This weekend at church, the pastor said something that really hit me. He said, "Gifted people who don't use their gifts for Godliness bring praise to themselves and their gifts. But Godly people who use their gifts bring praise and attention to their God." In other words- if I'm using my gifts humbly, and for the Lord, people should look at me and see JESUS. If I'm using my gifts to bring attention to myself and to get others to see how gifted I am, then yeah, maybe people will see my gifts- but they'll miss Jesus. They will see me, and not him. I don't want people to see me- I want them to see Jesus.
When I go to work I want people to ask, "Does this therapist work for a hospital or for God? Does she spend her day in work or worship? Does she make money or a difference? Every morning she climbs in the boat Jesus loaned her. The two of them row out into the water and cast nets." ---(from Max Lucado)
How can we make our work be worshipful? How can I use my gifts to help people around me- to show them Jesus? How can I make a difference in more than just someone's speech therapy? How can I be in love with people, and not their perfections? How can I learn that loving relationship is more important than anything else?
I love than in all these thoughts, Jesus is just revealing the surface of his depths. I could learn about him, taste his goodness forever, and it would only be a drop in the bucket. I could try with all my heart to be worthy to earn what he has freely given me in his salvation, but I would come up pitifully short. I can't fathom his goodness. I can't believe he would never give up on me. No matter how annoying I can get, no matter how much I complain, or how needy I am- he never walks out. I can spit in his face, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. And yet, as he wraps me up in his arms, he sends things into my life to mess everything up. He destroys my dreams that aren't rooted in him. And sometimes, all I can see is the destruction. But the beautiful truth is that he sees the finish line. He knows exactly what I need in order to bring him the most glory and me the most joy, and he loves me enough to not let me rest in the mediocre. He sends the storms, but he drives the boat that makes it through them. He may not be safe, he is not just a nice guy. He is not afraid to step on my toes, and he doesn't care about my comfort. But he is GOOD. He is righteous. He is faithful. And where people will let me down, he never will. Where I will fail, he will pick up the pieces and make it better than it was before.
Never in my life have I felt so loved by such a big God, and yet so unworthy of it. That is the beauty of real love.
"My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." -John 10:29
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tales of a Third Semester (WHAAAAAT?!)
Holy smokes. This week- this past 6 months have been such a blur. I am so amazed because I still feel like, despite the ridiculous amount of work, I went to sleep yesterday the day before grad school and woke up today an almost THIRD semester. I can't even begin to describe this ridiculous journey that God has put me on except to say that NO ONE can understand unless you have either been a grad student in the Speech Pathology program at Baylor, or are currently in it with me. There are not enough words to describe or explain how hard everyone has worked this past 6 months, nor are there adequate words to express the feelings I have for the girls I love SO much in my program. I have to admit that when I started grad school, I looked around thinking I had absolutely NOTHING in common with some of these people. We now laugh about how our first impressions went as I sit at dinner with some of my closest friends and some of the most legit women I have EVER met.
I have worked part-time since I was like, 14 years old, and I have worked with people of all different types. But nowhere have I been pressed and beaten down like grad school, and NOWHERE have I found a group of people to pour encouragement out of their nearly empty wells. I legitimately am SO impressed. I go to school with some of the most servant hearted, hard working women of God on this planet. Girls who have pulled out their prayer journals on a day when I was stressed out and shown me MY NAME written in their prayers. I am so sorry, but people who ACTUALLY pray when they say they will pray for you are hard to come by. I have never been so humbled, so challenged, so encouraged, and so loved as I have been in the past 6 months.
For me now, everything looks a little different. I'm looking around and seeing these girls who are leaving the program for their internships and wondering, "when will I see you again?"... that is just NOT okay. If you would have asked me before grad school if I thought I would become this attached to these girls, I would have laughed. But I am. I am so sad to see them moving along and our pathetic little speech path building will just not be the same without them lighting up the hallways. I have learned so much from those girls- more I think than I have learned in the classroom. I have learned about what matters. I have been mutually encouraged- I am SO BLESSED to have known them, and hopefully to keep in touch with them! I thought I was a hard worker until I met girls who have TWO CHILDREN and families and still are going through grad school. They wake up, take their kids to school, go to school, have clients, do all the same work and projects that I do, work as Grad Assistants to help pay for school, and then get off, pick up their kids, spend the evenings with them, put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night preparing and working for the next day, waking up and doing it all again.
This is a crazy season of life for me- and I can't explain how much I hate it and love it at the same time. I love how God is using it. I LOVE how he is humbling me and I love that I can seriously do nothing without him. I have learned so much from my clients too. I have seen true joy on the faces of clients who can't communicate at all- just joy because they get to spend an hour around people who they know love them enough to spend that hour helping them out. I have seen 65 year old couples enter the doors together, with the husband wheeling in his wife to therapy. He sits next to her as she does her best to communicate, and encourages her. He tells her how proud he is of her. He looks us all in the eye and tells him that Jesus Christ is the only thing that matters in marriage. And I believe him. He looks at that woman like she is 18 on prom night and loves her- and I can only hope and pray that I meet a man who loves me like that. I think I'm going to make my fiance in the future go to marriage counseling with that man. I only hope that I could love someone that well too. I have seen little boys' faces light up because all of a sudden they did something they thought they could never do. Nothing- I mean NOTHING- replaces that feeling of hearing that little one say, "look teacher! I did it!"
My heart has been opened up to places that I never thought existed. I have cried with girls- literally sobbed from exhaustion in groups of four other sobbing girls, only to end up dying laughing because we realize how pathetic we all are. I have cracked speech path pun after speech path pun- YES, I am officially that nerdy. I have gone to dinners with people I used to think were weird- and I've found that they are seriously some of the greatest people I know. I've learned that people will surprise you.
I think for a long time I spent my days bogged down. I was so consumed with myself and what I was trying to accomplish and what problems were happening. But being in this program, although it has been the toughest thing I've ever done, has brought back this crazy fire and love for PEOPLE. I LOVE people. I love hearing about things I never would have thought up on my own, and realizing that we are all out on this crazy journey together- not to judge but to learn something beautiful from one another. I suddenly realize that where I thought I was always struggling to catch up with everyone else, that really we are all dealing with the same things. Really, we are all insecure. Really, we all want to be loved. And honestly, if we were all really honest- we are searching for a purpose in what we spend our days doing. I have learned to treat every day like a new chance. I have realized that even the small things we do matter. Small things with great love and more powerful than huge things sometimes. It's about being faithful in those small things, and suddenly waking up and realizing how much you've been given has grown.
I am so excited for this next season...
I have worked part-time since I was like, 14 years old, and I have worked with people of all different types. But nowhere have I been pressed and beaten down like grad school, and NOWHERE have I found a group of people to pour encouragement out of their nearly empty wells. I legitimately am SO impressed. I go to school with some of the most servant hearted, hard working women of God on this planet. Girls who have pulled out their prayer journals on a day when I was stressed out and shown me MY NAME written in their prayers. I am so sorry, but people who ACTUALLY pray when they say they will pray for you are hard to come by. I have never been so humbled, so challenged, so encouraged, and so loved as I have been in the past 6 months.
For me now, everything looks a little different. I'm looking around and seeing these girls who are leaving the program for their internships and wondering, "when will I see you again?"... that is just NOT okay. If you would have asked me before grad school if I thought I would become this attached to these girls, I would have laughed. But I am. I am so sad to see them moving along and our pathetic little speech path building will just not be the same without them lighting up the hallways. I have learned so much from those girls- more I think than I have learned in the classroom. I have learned about what matters. I have been mutually encouraged- I am SO BLESSED to have known them, and hopefully to keep in touch with them! I thought I was a hard worker until I met girls who have TWO CHILDREN and families and still are going through grad school. They wake up, take their kids to school, go to school, have clients, do all the same work and projects that I do, work as Grad Assistants to help pay for school, and then get off, pick up their kids, spend the evenings with them, put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night preparing and working for the next day, waking up and doing it all again.
This is a crazy season of life for me- and I can't explain how much I hate it and love it at the same time. I love how God is using it. I LOVE how he is humbling me and I love that I can seriously do nothing without him. I have learned so much from my clients too. I have seen true joy on the faces of clients who can't communicate at all- just joy because they get to spend an hour around people who they know love them enough to spend that hour helping them out. I have seen 65 year old couples enter the doors together, with the husband wheeling in his wife to therapy. He sits next to her as she does her best to communicate, and encourages her. He tells her how proud he is of her. He looks us all in the eye and tells him that Jesus Christ is the only thing that matters in marriage. And I believe him. He looks at that woman like she is 18 on prom night and loves her- and I can only hope and pray that I meet a man who loves me like that. I think I'm going to make my fiance in the future go to marriage counseling with that man. I only hope that I could love someone that well too. I have seen little boys' faces light up because all of a sudden they did something they thought they could never do. Nothing- I mean NOTHING- replaces that feeling of hearing that little one say, "look teacher! I did it!"
My heart has been opened up to places that I never thought existed. I have cried with girls- literally sobbed from exhaustion in groups of four other sobbing girls, only to end up dying laughing because we realize how pathetic we all are. I have cracked speech path pun after speech path pun- YES, I am officially that nerdy. I have gone to dinners with people I used to think were weird- and I've found that they are seriously some of the greatest people I know. I've learned that people will surprise you.
I think for a long time I spent my days bogged down. I was so consumed with myself and what I was trying to accomplish and what problems were happening. But being in this program, although it has been the toughest thing I've ever done, has brought back this crazy fire and love for PEOPLE. I LOVE people. I love hearing about things I never would have thought up on my own, and realizing that we are all out on this crazy journey together- not to judge but to learn something beautiful from one another. I suddenly realize that where I thought I was always struggling to catch up with everyone else, that really we are all dealing with the same things. Really, we are all insecure. Really, we all want to be loved. And honestly, if we were all really honest- we are searching for a purpose in what we spend our days doing. I have learned to treat every day like a new chance. I have realized that even the small things we do matter. Small things with great love and more powerful than huge things sometimes. It's about being faithful in those small things, and suddenly waking up and realizing how much you've been given has grown.
I am so excited for this next season...
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