Streams in the Desert

My mom and I were at Barnes and Noble the other day looking through the devotional section. I've heard quite a bit from my roommate and a few others about the daily devotional "Streams in the Desert," so I decided to buy it so that I could give myself another thing to read in the mornings before I start my day. I'm not going to lie, I am the farthest thing from a morning person. In the past couple months though, I have tried harder to make a real effort to get up earlier and start my days off right, and I have to admit, it's made a huge difference. It's crazy that I actually somehow am surprised that spending more time with Jesus makes a difference- I mean of COURSE it does. I often wonder how I would ever be able to live in this world without him. Anyways, on to my real point.

This book's title is just so appropriate for this time in my life. "Streams in the Desert." I'm pretty sure that sums up the past few months for me. Let's see... I graduated, I had a whopping 14 days off before starting Grad School, which has easily been one of the biggest trials and molding periods of my life, I didn't sleep, my hair started falling out/face breaking out from stress, almost every single one of my friends moved away from Waco, I spent the summer pretty much alone while all of my friends vacationed at the beach and went to Europe, my best friend moved to Denver as opposed to College Station where she was an hour away, and it became pretty clear that God was stripping me of all things familiar. Now, my problems are petty in comparison to so many other's, but have I been in a desert? Absolutely. One of fears, one of exhaustion, one of questions, and one where things and people are literally stripped out of my life. But are there streams? Praise God, yes. Great friendships that have been built and rekindled, sweet time with family, bonds with clients, and times literally spent at the feet of my savior that I would never trade for anything in the world. So, maybe this is a desert... but in the midst of it, God is SO close. He is preparing the way before me! He is always present on my mind because I need him SO much and it is so apparent that I cannot do a single solitary thing right, or eternal without him.

There came this point where I realized that I am wretched. There is no part of my heart that is clean. No purity in there anywhere. I am capable of things I never thought possible. I am weak, emotional, and unkind. But in knowing that, I became thankful even more for the grace of my Jesus, that covers all of my flaws. How he uses me when I am not worthy of use continues to blow my mind, and how he sanctifies my heart along this process of life is so beautiful. Sometimes I look back and wonder why God has put certain things in my path, or certain people in my life. Then, I remember that God places everything in our lives to sanctify us and continue to draw us into himself. Every hardship, every trial is meant to prune off those places that aren't like him. BEING PRUNED HURTS. Like crazy. I'm talking curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out hurt. But then you look back and you find yourself different... and man it was worth it. Take those clippers to me again, Lord. Mold me into one of those bush-figurines like they do at the zoo... only make this one look like you, and talk like you, and love like you. I need it.

I was reading in the devotional, and I'll just copy it onto here because I don't really want to summarize it, but it was so encouraging to me:

"They asked for a repentant heart and has surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He had killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire as a refiner and purifier (Malachi 3:3) until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands... Yet God strengthened them and protected them, even from themselves. Often, in His mercy, He held them up when they otherwise would have slipped and fallen. And even in this life, they knew that all He did was done well. They knew it was good to suffer in this life so that they would reign in the world to come; to bear the cross below to wear the crown above; to know that not their will, but His will, was done in them and through them."

There came a point in this trial period that I realized my lack of dependence on God in the good times. I became convicted because I knew that I was not giving him enough time. Not out of some legalistic heart that feels like I need to block off 15 minutes a morning because if I don't I am a bad person... but because I am a different person without him. I had to repent and surrender myself to him- and he has sent sorrow. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the Lord would have His will in my life. I can't tell you how many times I have asked for purity, or told the Lord I wanted to be more like Him at any cost. So the Lord has sent me a desert- a broken valley. A time when I cannot rely on myself because I am too weak to possibly function. He has broken my heart so that he can re-make it. He has thrown me into the fire- and I praise the Lord for it, because that means he is refining my heart until it reflects him. Holy cow, that is a beautiful thing. I mean, really grasp that. When we go through the fire, the end result is looking like him. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I don't want to be comfortable in this blip of a life just to spend eternity in separation from God. No way! God- kill all of my living hopes. If I idolize it, take it away. (Scary prayer right there)

So, my prayers have changed. They used to be "help me to get out of this trial." Now, they are "Lord purify me in this trial." Make my heart like a Stream in the Desert, so that you can work through me in other peoples' deserts, and bring living water. I know that everything that I have been through has been used to change me into something a little less like myself. Every problem, or potential fear has been used to sanctify my heart. Every time I failed, was only a reminder of my own depravity so that thankfulness for GRACE could be birthed into my heart. I am thankful for my failures- although I wish they weren't there. I am so grateful that I have a God who never gave up on me! I am learning every day a new thing that I didn't know. I'm slowly learning what it means to really hear God's voice, and listen for it. I'm learning how to not be so impulsive (although this is a major struggle in my life) and to wait on the Lord NOT ONLY to give me a feeling, but to provide the means and open the doors to show me that the feeling is REALLY his way, to confirm that what I have felt has been truly of God, and not of myself. I am learning that Jesus is not "cool" to the masses, because he is far more focused on my holiness than my happiness. His message is TRUTH, but not always popular. To live a life like him, we may never be "cool." I am learning, and I have SO much more to learn.

But out of everything I'm learning, the greatest thing is learning to KNOW him. Not just know ABOUT him, but KNOW him. Learning who he is, and what he is capable of (which is pretty much everything, duh) only strengthens me to remember that the God of the universe, the God of creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me has my best interests at heart. And to find out that when I praise him and worship him- I in turn experience Joy. That joy comes from worshipping the ONLY thing worth the worship, and God created us to worship- because he is praised and we are made whole. It's like a win-win situation right there! And I find that it is wonderful to bear the cross below to win the crown above.

Thank you to those who are walking through this journey with me. I love you, and I seriously am not sure who I would be without God's love shown through you. I am so so blessed! You have been streams in my desert.