Thoughts from the Swamplands

On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.

This break has been such a fresh breath. I forget sometimes how great it feels to have time to spend doing the things I really love. Time to cook in the kitchen next to my mom, sit and watch movies, read books I’ve wanted to get around to for a long time- the one’s that don’t cost $150 and have “speech-language pathology” somewhere in the title. It is so much fun to be able to spend time throwing the ball for my dog, eating crawfish, and driving to see my best friend.

I don’t know how to explain the way life is going-except to say that it’s different. Different in a really good way that makes me walk outside in the morning and smile. That sounds really stupid and corny- but really, I think the problem for a while was my lack of awareness. I knew about God, I’d even say I knew God, but when I’d wake up in the morning I would forget to be AWARE of his goodness, AWARE of his grace and mercy in my life, and AWARE of those around me. I am nowhere near becoming all that I want to be- but I can honestly say with God’s grace, my awareness has definitely increased.

I sat down last week and made a long list of the attributes I want to display in my life. These ranged from how I spend my money and how I give my money, to how I prioritize my days and time. I listed qualities I want to have like gentleness and humility. After I finished, I made a list of practical ways I could make that list a reality. Bear in mind the number one way to ever make that list happen is to beg Jesus DAILY for grace to change, and pray every time I can that he will keep shaving off the garbage to make room for the new. I want so much to be the kind of woman that brings glory to my Father, whether in the big things or the little. My desire is to become someone who is concerned not with impressing the people I want to please, but with loving those who may not ever get it. I don’t want anyone to walk through my life and feel invisible.

Of course, as soon as I let my guard down I fail in epic ways. I seriously do not understand how quickly I forget. But I think, by cutting out those things that cause my ridiculous mind to wander to the world, I can make myself more AWARE.

It daily blows my mind how much hope I put in everything but JESUS. How my identity wanders around like a lost puppy. My identity, when rooted in truth, tells me how He knew me before the creation of the world. How he knit me together in my mother’s womb, and numbered the hairs on my head. It tells me that I am Christ’s beloved, created in Him to do good works that he prepared in advance for me to do. It reminds me that there is not a single plan that can succeed without Christ setting it in motion. But when my identity is rooted in other things, my heart believes lies. My heart is like an extremely gullible kid with a terrible memory problem.

Me: “Hey, remember how I am Christ’s workmanship?”
My heart: “Ohhh yeah I think I remember you saying something about that. That’s awesome! Praise the Lord!”
Satan: “You’re not good enough”
My Heart: “Maybe you’re right… it doesn’t seem like the truth but I can’t really remember why…but I guess you’re right, I’m not good enough.”
Me: “But Jesus says I am justified, I am good enough.”
My heart: “Ohh yeah that sounds familiar… have you told me that before?”

I mean seriously, it’s kind of pathetic. COME ON HEART! Get yourself together and stop forgetting!

It’s only through this daily walking with a God who has an unbelievably great memory, and an ideal way of reminding me that I am HIS, that I stand even a remote chance at conquering my number one opponent- MYSELF. It is only through his grace that I’m reminded that although some thoughts in my life are true, they are not worth thinking. What is worth thinking is a thought that spurs me on to love someone else- a thought that empowers me to become better. I become my own worst enemy when I refuse to wrap my mind around the fact that I CANNOT save myself. I cannot change myself. I can maybe change the wrapper that covers me, but I cannot change the inside of the package. In the words of Matt Chandler:

“You cannot sanctify yourself. You were washed. You were sanctified. You were justified. You get to stand before God as holy, blameless, and spotless in his sight. You were justified by the Holy Spirit, who opened up your heart and mind to the weight of the glory of God as seen in Christ, that he knew ALL of your shortcomings and still went to the cross so that you would be unable to walk in pity for yourselves.”

That quote roasted me. I mean, how many times do I mess up and then let my own guilt for messing up keep me from falling at the feet of my savior and learning to trust that he’s already forgiven- that he’s cast my sin as far as the east is from the west and has his arms open wide for redemption. There is no human being that loves like this. Not a single one.

And so, I hope to become something better, by the grace of God someone a little less consumed with garbage. I hope to get in the habit of standing on the solid rock, and not placing my hope in things that are like sandcastles on the beach. I used to build those when I was little, and I would watch as the tide would come in and knock them down a little at a time. Life has it’s way of knocking down all those things we put our hope in. But at the end of the day- Life cannot knock down the solid rock. There will be a day when I am no longer best friends with Ally or Meredith. There will be a day when people won’t introduce me as “Melony’s daughter.” There will come a day when I am no longer a speech pathologist. Those things will all die with me. All of my money will be distributed to someone else. All of my stuff will be sold at some cheap estate sale or hauled to the dump. One day I won’t be able to hear my music anymore, and I won’t always have the abilities I have now. But the one thing that will always be true is that I am a child of the Living God. I am favored in his sight not because of a single thing I did, but because of his unbelievable gift and the Holy Spirit’s uncanny ability to change my wicked heart. Suddenly all of those other things I put my hope in become little sandcastles, and I can laugh as I see them all wash away.