Two Crosses

I'm writing this mainly so that I can organize my own thoughts to wrap my mind around what I've been reading. If you know me at all, which I'm assuming the majority of you do, you may know that I am an avid fan of A.W. Tozer. This guy is legit, and deep. If you don't like to read mind bombs, don't open a Tozer book! BUT, I am reading his book "God's Pursuit of Man," and HOLY SMOKES it is so convicting and SO good.

When I was about 15, I started noticing certain things about the church. Not necessarily my church in particular (this is not a slam against one church) but just churches in general, and it disturbed me. I noticed that more time was spent on preparation for decorations and orchestrating huge events than I felt was spent IN THE WORD hearing from the Lord about what to speak. Hours of set-up and tear down of the lights, screens, computers, instruments, etc... but few people really got saved. And the ones that did just blended in- nobody was really CHANGED. The questions began to sound like "how can we get more people to come?" instead of "how can we hear from the living God?" It began to really bother me that we had begun to make the church look like the world in order to draw the world in, instead of making it a place where the Bible, unaltered, was preached whether it stepped on a few toes or not. It seemed to me that if you're preaching the Word of the Living God, that people would be drawn whether you had an expensive sanctuary or not. People spent hours organizing huge community events to reach people for the Lord, but everyone in the church just seemed so... Tired. Overworked and underwhelmed with God and the real point behind it all. I didn't like it at all, and all through high school really struggled. I would see people go down and have these emotional conversions, sometimes every few weeks the same people would continually "recommit" their lives to Christ. But then no one really loved their neighbor. No one really looked like Jesus. I would hear people talk about all the cool things they wanted to incorporate into the church, and one sunday morning even saw a literal strobe light during worship. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with lights in church, but it just seems to me, that if the Holy Spirit is there, it won't take a strobe light to stir peoples emotions for the Lord. If the Holy Spirit is moving, a strobe light suddenly looks pathetic.

But now, it's all about this emotional experience where we connect with God. A God who is already connected with us. Maybe what we need is time where we AREN'T talking, so that we can HEAR from this God who is so willing to share. Maybe our prayers need to change from "Lord bless us" to "Lord, break us."

I want so desperately to be ruined- be to conquered. To be absolutely demolished for the ordinary. "Only the conquered can know true blessedness... it is only by FULL dependence upon Him that the hidden potentialities of our nature are realized. Apart from this, we are but half-men, malformed and unbeautiful members of a noble race once made to wear the image of its creator. Deliverance can come to us only by the DEFEAT of our own life."

I often wonder why it is that we exalt those around us who are "most christian-like." I am guilty of this too- bigtime. Especially when that thought in itself is the VERY opposite of the soul foundation of Christianity. That we would worship the person who is like God instead of the God himself. In our churches, we build up the leaders, we give extra amounts of respect and esteem to those leaders in the church, and in so we teach me not to die with Christ but to live in the strength of their dying manhood. We teach people to boast in their strength. We glorify men to enhance the standing of the church of God, and the glory of the Prince of life is made to hang upon the fleeting fame of a man that will die.

It is this common mentality that makes me want to just leave this country and move somewhere where life is simple again. I hate the thirst for "things" and the thirst for "status" that exists here. I know every place has its downfalls. I know there is no utopia. But sometimes, I'll be honest- I would kill to be somewhere where I could wear the same shirt every day of my life and no one cared, because no one gave a rip about their stuff. I wish I could be in a place where we weren't all fighting to impress. I want my life to count for something. I don't want mediocrity. I want passion. I want adventure. I want a life that lives more in a week than most live in a lifetime. I want to live a life where I will not be able to get by unless God shows up- and I want to be around people who understand that this world is a blip on the timeline. I often think that as Americans, we invent struggles for ourselves because we don't have a clue about real struggles. If we had actually experienced true hunger, or the questions about where we would sleep at night, I bet our struggles with fitting in, being successful, feeling inadequate, and all the other things we struggle with here would look like a complete joke. We would be like "inadequacy what? i'm just trying to find something to eat so i don't die." Let's get real, america is a breeding ground for unsatisfied, whiny people who wait for everything to be handed to us because we think we deserve it simply because we are American. NO THANK YOU, I cannot handle it. I find myself guilty of it on a daily basis, and I cannot believe how much I gripe about because I cannot for the life of me remember for a full 24 hours how UNBELIEVABLY blessed I am. For some reason I feel as though I deserve it. Who am I kidding?

But the truth is, according to Tozer, that in churches, they preach two crosses. The Cross of Christ is the cross that saves us, but that same cross also SLAYS us. Then there is the cross of popular evangelicalism- which conditions american churches to feel like we are entitled.

"The old cross slew men, the new cross entertains them. The old cross condemned, the new cross amuses. The old cross destroyed confidence in the flesh, the new cross encourages it. The old cross brought tears and blood, the new cross brings laughter. The flesh, smiling and confident, preaches and sings about the cross; before the cross it bows and toward the cross it points with carefully staged histrionics, but UPON THAT CROSS IT WILL NOT DIE, AND THE REPROACH OF THAT CROSS IT STUBBORNLY REFUSES TO BEAR." boom. roasted.

I mean, am I the only one who things that is seriously heavy stuff? How often do we try to orchestrate things to be perfect in order that people would be changed by what we have to say, only to forget that if WE say anything, we won't save anyone. If the Holy Spirit shows up though, it won't matter what we say- those words won't be ours, and you can pretty much sell the fog machines and strobe lights, because we won't need them. I don't want to be a person who pretends like I have it all together so that other people can look to me for any reason. If they see me, I hope they see a girl who is thankful for grace because it's the only thing that saved me. I hope no one ever says I put on a show, but that I was honest and open, real and vulnerable about my sin. I hope I never think that by hiding it I will ever set the captives free in my own life or in anyone else's. What a joke- we are the LIGHT of the world. Light breaks through darkness, revealing truth- as ugly as that truth may be. And if we really grasped the ugliness that lives in us all, we would finally be able to grasp the joy that comes from being FREE from it. It's a heart that truly understands the weight of it's sin that gets to experience the most joy from it's salvation!

Jimmy Seibert, the pastor at Antioch said at church Sunday, that the happiest people in the world are the people who have no secrets. This is because confession is cleansing, it's beautiful. It's freeing. Admitting things doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. Lord, I pray that my life would always be an open book, and that people around me would know my failures. And I pray that when I fail, which is OFTEN, that when I repent it would be with a heart that desires to truly CHANGE. I don't want to just say "I'm sorry," and then nothing ever change.

I feel like all these things are the reasons that so many of the people I know, and myself included sometimes, have these emotionally-based moments where we feel like we need to change things, and then practically never do. Our entire existence as Christians was based on an emotional decision that has no backbone. There was never a cross that we died on. We were never wrecked. We were just hugged and told how proud everyone was of us, as though we should be praised for our decision to accept God, like he needs our acceptance. No, it is true that HE CHOSE US. He called us to our death, and asks us to come die that we might LIVE. And we look at him and say, Maybe later. Maybe when things get really bad. We lead a Bible study and think we are doing our spiritual duty to others. We are missing the point. We are missing LIFE and instead replacing it with "encounters." We view God as the feeling we get when our favorite worship song is on. We completely miss what he has to offer to our everyday, seemingly small moments- we box him into the areas of our life that he's welcome. But he's either Lord of your whole house, or not. He can't just be Lord of the closet and the bathroom. He can't be Lord of every room EXCEPT for the closet or the bathroom either. You know, that part where we hide all our junk? You know those fears that you'll fail, or that you'll end up alone? He's gotta be Lord of that too.

My prayer today, is that God would wreck shop in my life. I don't care if that means he has to tear everything away in order to reveal himself. I want it. I want him to take my NUMEROUS fears, and crush them like a little ant. My flesh may regret saying that later, but my heart wants it more than I want anything. I pray to God that my hope never rests in "things" or in my own stupid pride. I pray that I would always be open about my struggles, and that God would continue to break off the parts of my life that aren't pleasing to Him. I pray that I would be conquered, and that I would find something in this beautiful walk with the Almighty that would cause me to desire him even more. I pray that I wouldn't care so much about what other people think about me, but instead remember that I am NOT living for what other people think. I have been bought at a price- a HIGH price of the blood shed by a sinless, perfect man who loved me more than any other human being can fathom. Jesus, BREAK me. Crush me to my knees if it means that the only way I can ever walk again is if you give me a new pair of legs. Feet that can stand on the high places, where you are.

I am still working through the desires of my heart to pray about where the Lord wants me. My heart wants so many things. Ideally, if I had no debt (ha!) I would love to work in either medical missions or in just missions in general. I want to see the kingdom of God come to the world. I want to experience him in being stretched beyond what I think I can do. BUT- not that he couldn't provide for my debt, because I totally believe he could, but I want to be faithful to that too. I know that he has me in this place for a reason, and I may never get to experience a trip overseas, but either way, I want to be used to love people who don't get loved. I'm trying to pray through whether I desire this because I'm called to it, or because I just desire it. And I know that whatever I am called to, he will provide for and make a way. So, if you the lovely reader of my blog would say a prayer for that for me, that would be mucho appreciated. Much love!