"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
Life to the full. Such an unknown for almost everyone. Life that really means something- truly lived. I used to think this meant that with Jesus in my life I would experience the happiest life. Now, I have discovered that there is an epic difference between happiness and joy.
I used to think that if I followed Christ it would lead me into the most wonderful earthly blessings. That those who loved the Lord he would bless and they would be wealthy, happy, healthy, and prosperous. But the prosperity gospel is a new idea, and one that is so void of biblical legitimacy that it is actually ridiculous that anyone could preach it from the pulpit without a riot scene. Instead, biblically, we see that those who choose to follow the Lord must daily take up their cross. The load is not a light one, but a heavy one- filled with trials of many kinds. Pursuing the Lord requires a realization that your end goal is not to obtain more for yourself- but your prize is HIM. In 1st Peter it talks about the goal of our faith being the salvation of our souls. HE IS OUR PRIZE, not his blessings. He is what we run the race to achieve- not money, not fame, not a Christian record deal or a self-help book. It's true that many times in the bible, those who pursued the Lord faced trials like I can honestly say I have never seen. Following Christ does not = blessings. At least, not earthly ones. And the belief that it will always leads us to attempt to manipulate God by doing what we think he wants of us in order to obligate him to give what we want from him. Give it up, we can't trick God... he's God.
Then how are we supposed to walk in fullness of life when all around us the world is trying to tear us down? I think that's the hardest part for me. Being raised in the "Bible belt" I always subconsciously believed that if I stayed away from the cardinal sins, "sex, drugs, alcohol, adultery..." not to mention making sure to always vote republican-then I was a good Christian. Someone please biblically define for me a "good Christian."
Then, in comparison to all those other "bad christians" out there, man I felt pretty good about myself! I was such a good Christian- elect me to Youth Group President, cuz I've got it all together, and I really need to reach out to the rest of you sinners.- right? It was this crazy mentality that stole my joy. I know it sounds crazy to feel like such a good Christian but still walk around without joy- but I definitely was. Why? Because JOY comes from a heart that appreciates Grace. And grace saves us from the sins we don't even realize we commit. I was walking around feeling like I'd earned something. Like in the womb I had been the one to decide that I would have a good family, good friends, and the gifts and talents I have. "Hey thanks God for the whole 'designing me' bit, but I'll take it from here..." And all of a sudden I had lost the joy of my salvation.
The problem with the Bible belt is that we all feel like we're pretty good. We are the good ones who really just need to get those bad Christians on our bandwagon. When you feel like you're pretty good, somehow a Savior seems less than mediocre. Savior from what? From my occasional white lie and my sin that really isn't as bad as my next door neighbor's? We think, well yeah, God helped out, but we really had a pretty good handle on it before he came along. We don't realize what wretched people we are before grace. Grace that covers a multitude of sins. And the fact is, if we could grasp our own depravity, suddenly a savior would become a necessity. Knowing him, the one who took all our sins upon himself- it would be the ultimate reward. Suddenly those trials- the ones that seem so big and looming- they don't steal our joy. Because our joy isn't rooted in our stuff, friends, family, good christian reputation, health, etc. Suddenly we begin to realize that the only important thing is that we KNOW HIM, that we are claimed as HIS, and that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING- not sickness or death or fire or attacks can strip us out of his hands. And if this does not bring JOY to your heart- knowing that the God of all creation sent his son to purify our filth and garbage filled hearts and lives- well then honestly, you don't really understand how filthy and garbage filled your life was before him.
PRAISE GOD, I thank him for cleaning out the junk pile that was me- that continues to be me without his grace. And if we all walked around really grasping this, and REALLY understanding what we were saved from, we would look a lot more like people living the life abundant. Life to the full wouldn't be just a nice saying- it would be our attitudes. And then, well maybe those who don't know Jesus would actually want what we have. Maybe they would actually see a difference in the way we lived. Maybe our lives would speak testimony to what a work the Lord had done! Don't forget to be thankful for your salvation! At the end of this life we will receive our reward if we do not give up- and our reward is HIM!
"Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his SALVATION day after day."-1 Chronicles 16:23
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."- Psalm 13:5
"Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation."- Psalm 35:9
"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail."- Isaiah 51:6
"But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."- 1 Thessalonians 5:8
=)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Streams in the Desert
My mom and I were at Barnes and Noble the other day looking through the devotional section. I've heard quite a bit from my roommate and a few others about the daily devotional "Streams in the Desert," so I decided to buy it so that I could give myself another thing to read in the mornings before I start my day. I'm not going to lie, I am the farthest thing from a morning person. In the past couple months though, I have tried harder to make a real effort to get up earlier and start my days off right, and I have to admit, it's made a huge difference. It's crazy that I actually somehow am surprised that spending more time with Jesus makes a difference- I mean of COURSE it does. I often wonder how I would ever be able to live in this world without him. Anyways, on to my real point.
This book's title is just so appropriate for this time in my life. "Streams in the Desert." I'm pretty sure that sums up the past few months for me. Let's see... I graduated, I had a whopping 14 days off before starting Grad School, which has easily been one of the biggest trials and molding periods of my life, I didn't sleep, my hair started falling out/face breaking out from stress, almost every single one of my friends moved away from Waco, I spent the summer pretty much alone while all of my friends vacationed at the beach and went to Europe, my best friend moved to Denver as opposed to College Station where she was an hour away, and it became pretty clear that God was stripping me of all things familiar. Now, my problems are petty in comparison to so many other's, but have I been in a desert? Absolutely. One of fears, one of exhaustion, one of questions, and one where things and people are literally stripped out of my life. But are there streams? Praise God, yes. Great friendships that have been built and rekindled, sweet time with family, bonds with clients, and times literally spent at the feet of my savior that I would never trade for anything in the world. So, maybe this is a desert... but in the midst of it, God is SO close. He is preparing the way before me! He is always present on my mind because I need him SO much and it is so apparent that I cannot do a single solitary thing right, or eternal without him.
There came this point where I realized that I am wretched. There is no part of my heart that is clean. No purity in there anywhere. I am capable of things I never thought possible. I am weak, emotional, and unkind. But in knowing that, I became thankful even more for the grace of my Jesus, that covers all of my flaws. How he uses me when I am not worthy of use continues to blow my mind, and how he sanctifies my heart along this process of life is so beautiful. Sometimes I look back and wonder why God has put certain things in my path, or certain people in my life. Then, I remember that God places everything in our lives to sanctify us and continue to draw us into himself. Every hardship, every trial is meant to prune off those places that aren't like him. BEING PRUNED HURTS. Like crazy. I'm talking curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out hurt. But then you look back and you find yourself different... and man it was worth it. Take those clippers to me again, Lord. Mold me into one of those bush-figurines like they do at the zoo... only make this one look like you, and talk like you, and love like you. I need it.
I was reading in the devotional, and I'll just copy it onto here because I don't really want to summarize it, but it was so encouraging to me:
"They asked for a repentant heart and has surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He had killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire as a refiner and purifier (Malachi 3:3) until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands... Yet God strengthened them and protected them, even from themselves. Often, in His mercy, He held them up when they otherwise would have slipped and fallen. And even in this life, they knew that all He did was done well. They knew it was good to suffer in this life so that they would reign in the world to come; to bear the cross below to wear the crown above; to know that not their will, but His will, was done in them and through them."
There came a point in this trial period that I realized my lack of dependence on God in the good times. I became convicted because I knew that I was not giving him enough time. Not out of some legalistic heart that feels like I need to block off 15 minutes a morning because if I don't I am a bad person... but because I am a different person without him. I had to repent and surrender myself to him- and he has sent sorrow. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the Lord would have His will in my life. I can't tell you how many times I have asked for purity, or told the Lord I wanted to be more like Him at any cost. So the Lord has sent me a desert- a broken valley. A time when I cannot rely on myself because I am too weak to possibly function. He has broken my heart so that he can re-make it. He has thrown me into the fire- and I praise the Lord for it, because that means he is refining my heart until it reflects him. Holy cow, that is a beautiful thing. I mean, really grasp that. When we go through the fire, the end result is looking like him. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I don't want to be comfortable in this blip of a life just to spend eternity in separation from God. No way! God- kill all of my living hopes. If I idolize it, take it away. (Scary prayer right there)
So, my prayers have changed. They used to be "help me to get out of this trial." Now, they are "Lord purify me in this trial." Make my heart like a Stream in the Desert, so that you can work through me in other peoples' deserts, and bring living water. I know that everything that I have been through has been used to change me into something a little less like myself. Every problem, or potential fear has been used to sanctify my heart. Every time I failed, was only a reminder of my own depravity so that thankfulness for GRACE could be birthed into my heart. I am thankful for my failures- although I wish they weren't there. I am so grateful that I have a God who never gave up on me! I am learning every day a new thing that I didn't know. I'm slowly learning what it means to really hear God's voice, and listen for it. I'm learning how to not be so impulsive (although this is a major struggle in my life) and to wait on the Lord NOT ONLY to give me a feeling, but to provide the means and open the doors to show me that the feeling is REALLY his way, to confirm that what I have felt has been truly of God, and not of myself. I am learning that Jesus is not "cool" to the masses, because he is far more focused on my holiness than my happiness. His message is TRUTH, but not always popular. To live a life like him, we may never be "cool." I am learning, and I have SO much more to learn.
But out of everything I'm learning, the greatest thing is learning to KNOW him. Not just know ABOUT him, but KNOW him. Learning who he is, and what he is capable of (which is pretty much everything, duh) only strengthens me to remember that the God of the universe, the God of creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me has my best interests at heart. And to find out that when I praise him and worship him- I in turn experience Joy. That joy comes from worshipping the ONLY thing worth the worship, and God created us to worship- because he is praised and we are made whole. It's like a win-win situation right there! And I find that it is wonderful to bear the cross below to win the crown above.
Thank you to those who are walking through this journey with me. I love you, and I seriously am not sure who I would be without God's love shown through you. I am so so blessed! You have been streams in my desert.
This book's title is just so appropriate for this time in my life. "Streams in the Desert." I'm pretty sure that sums up the past few months for me. Let's see... I graduated, I had a whopping 14 days off before starting Grad School, which has easily been one of the biggest trials and molding periods of my life, I didn't sleep, my hair started falling out/face breaking out from stress, almost every single one of my friends moved away from Waco, I spent the summer pretty much alone while all of my friends vacationed at the beach and went to Europe, my best friend moved to Denver as opposed to College Station where she was an hour away, and it became pretty clear that God was stripping me of all things familiar. Now, my problems are petty in comparison to so many other's, but have I been in a desert? Absolutely. One of fears, one of exhaustion, one of questions, and one where things and people are literally stripped out of my life. But are there streams? Praise God, yes. Great friendships that have been built and rekindled, sweet time with family, bonds with clients, and times literally spent at the feet of my savior that I would never trade for anything in the world. So, maybe this is a desert... but in the midst of it, God is SO close. He is preparing the way before me! He is always present on my mind because I need him SO much and it is so apparent that I cannot do a single solitary thing right, or eternal without him.
There came this point where I realized that I am wretched. There is no part of my heart that is clean. No purity in there anywhere. I am capable of things I never thought possible. I am weak, emotional, and unkind. But in knowing that, I became thankful even more for the grace of my Jesus, that covers all of my flaws. How he uses me when I am not worthy of use continues to blow my mind, and how he sanctifies my heart along this process of life is so beautiful. Sometimes I look back and wonder why God has put certain things in my path, or certain people in my life. Then, I remember that God places everything in our lives to sanctify us and continue to draw us into himself. Every hardship, every trial is meant to prune off those places that aren't like him. BEING PRUNED HURTS. Like crazy. I'm talking curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out hurt. But then you look back and you find yourself different... and man it was worth it. Take those clippers to me again, Lord. Mold me into one of those bush-figurines like they do at the zoo... only make this one look like you, and talk like you, and love like you. I need it.
I was reading in the devotional, and I'll just copy it onto here because I don't really want to summarize it, but it was so encouraging to me:
"They asked for a repentant heart and has surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He had killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire as a refiner and purifier (Malachi 3:3) until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands... Yet God strengthened them and protected them, even from themselves. Often, in His mercy, He held them up when they otherwise would have slipped and fallen. And even in this life, they knew that all He did was done well. They knew it was good to suffer in this life so that they would reign in the world to come; to bear the cross below to wear the crown above; to know that not their will, but His will, was done in them and through them."
There came a point in this trial period that I realized my lack of dependence on God in the good times. I became convicted because I knew that I was not giving him enough time. Not out of some legalistic heart that feels like I need to block off 15 minutes a morning because if I don't I am a bad person... but because I am a different person without him. I had to repent and surrender myself to him- and he has sent sorrow. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the Lord would have His will in my life. I can't tell you how many times I have asked for purity, or told the Lord I wanted to be more like Him at any cost. So the Lord has sent me a desert- a broken valley. A time when I cannot rely on myself because I am too weak to possibly function. He has broken my heart so that he can re-make it. He has thrown me into the fire- and I praise the Lord for it, because that means he is refining my heart until it reflects him. Holy cow, that is a beautiful thing. I mean, really grasp that. When we go through the fire, the end result is looking like him. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I don't want to be comfortable in this blip of a life just to spend eternity in separation from God. No way! God- kill all of my living hopes. If I idolize it, take it away. (Scary prayer right there)
So, my prayers have changed. They used to be "help me to get out of this trial." Now, they are "Lord purify me in this trial." Make my heart like a Stream in the Desert, so that you can work through me in other peoples' deserts, and bring living water. I know that everything that I have been through has been used to change me into something a little less like myself. Every problem, or potential fear has been used to sanctify my heart. Every time I failed, was only a reminder of my own depravity so that thankfulness for GRACE could be birthed into my heart. I am thankful for my failures- although I wish they weren't there. I am so grateful that I have a God who never gave up on me! I am learning every day a new thing that I didn't know. I'm slowly learning what it means to really hear God's voice, and listen for it. I'm learning how to not be so impulsive (although this is a major struggle in my life) and to wait on the Lord NOT ONLY to give me a feeling, but to provide the means and open the doors to show me that the feeling is REALLY his way, to confirm that what I have felt has been truly of God, and not of myself. I am learning that Jesus is not "cool" to the masses, because he is far more focused on my holiness than my happiness. His message is TRUTH, but not always popular. To live a life like him, we may never be "cool." I am learning, and I have SO much more to learn.
But out of everything I'm learning, the greatest thing is learning to KNOW him. Not just know ABOUT him, but KNOW him. Learning who he is, and what he is capable of (which is pretty much everything, duh) only strengthens me to remember that the God of the universe, the God of creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me has my best interests at heart. And to find out that when I praise him and worship him- I in turn experience Joy. That joy comes from worshipping the ONLY thing worth the worship, and God created us to worship- because he is praised and we are made whole. It's like a win-win situation right there! And I find that it is wonderful to bear the cross below to win the crown above.
Thank you to those who are walking through this journey with me. I love you, and I seriously am not sure who I would be without God's love shown through you. I am so so blessed! You have been streams in my desert.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Two Crosses
I'm writing this mainly so that I can organize my own thoughts to wrap my mind around what I've been reading. If you know me at all, which I'm assuming the majority of you do, you may know that I am an avid fan of A.W. Tozer. This guy is legit, and deep. If you don't like to read mind bombs, don't open a Tozer book! BUT, I am reading his book "God's Pursuit of Man," and HOLY SMOKES it is so convicting and SO good.
When I was about 15, I started noticing certain things about the church. Not necessarily my church in particular (this is not a slam against one church) but just churches in general, and it disturbed me. I noticed that more time was spent on preparation for decorations and orchestrating huge events than I felt was spent IN THE WORD hearing from the Lord about what to speak. Hours of set-up and tear down of the lights, screens, computers, instruments, etc... but few people really got saved. And the ones that did just blended in- nobody was really CHANGED. The questions began to sound like "how can we get more people to come?" instead of "how can we hear from the living God?" It began to really bother me that we had begun to make the church look like the world in order to draw the world in, instead of making it a place where the Bible, unaltered, was preached whether it stepped on a few toes or not. It seemed to me that if you're preaching the Word of the Living God, that people would be drawn whether you had an expensive sanctuary or not. People spent hours organizing huge community events to reach people for the Lord, but everyone in the church just seemed so... Tired. Overworked and underwhelmed with God and the real point behind it all. I didn't like it at all, and all through high school really struggled. I would see people go down and have these emotional conversions, sometimes every few weeks the same people would continually "recommit" their lives to Christ. But then no one really loved their neighbor. No one really looked like Jesus. I would hear people talk about all the cool things they wanted to incorporate into the church, and one sunday morning even saw a literal strobe light during worship. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with lights in church, but it just seems to me, that if the Holy Spirit is there, it won't take a strobe light to stir peoples emotions for the Lord. If the Holy Spirit is moving, a strobe light suddenly looks pathetic.
But now, it's all about this emotional experience where we connect with God. A God who is already connected with us. Maybe what we need is time where we AREN'T talking, so that we can HEAR from this God who is so willing to share. Maybe our prayers need to change from "Lord bless us" to "Lord, break us."
I want so desperately to be ruined- be to conquered. To be absolutely demolished for the ordinary. "Only the conquered can know true blessedness... it is only by FULL dependence upon Him that the hidden potentialities of our nature are realized. Apart from this, we are but half-men, malformed and unbeautiful members of a noble race once made to wear the image of its creator. Deliverance can come to us only by the DEFEAT of our own life."
I often wonder why it is that we exalt those around us who are "most christian-like." I am guilty of this too- bigtime. Especially when that thought in itself is the VERY opposite of the soul foundation of Christianity. That we would worship the person who is like God instead of the God himself. In our churches, we build up the leaders, we give extra amounts of respect and esteem to those leaders in the church, and in so we teach me not to die with Christ but to live in the strength of their dying manhood. We teach people to boast in their strength. We glorify men to enhance the standing of the church of God, and the glory of the Prince of life is made to hang upon the fleeting fame of a man that will die.
It is this common mentality that makes me want to just leave this country and move somewhere where life is simple again. I hate the thirst for "things" and the thirst for "status" that exists here. I know every place has its downfalls. I know there is no utopia. But sometimes, I'll be honest- I would kill to be somewhere where I could wear the same shirt every day of my life and no one cared, because no one gave a rip about their stuff. I wish I could be in a place where we weren't all fighting to impress. I want my life to count for something. I don't want mediocrity. I want passion. I want adventure. I want a life that lives more in a week than most live in a lifetime. I want to live a life where I will not be able to get by unless God shows up- and I want to be around people who understand that this world is a blip on the timeline. I often think that as Americans, we invent struggles for ourselves because we don't have a clue about real struggles. If we had actually experienced true hunger, or the questions about where we would sleep at night, I bet our struggles with fitting in, being successful, feeling inadequate, and all the other things we struggle with here would look like a complete joke. We would be like "inadequacy what? i'm just trying to find something to eat so i don't die." Let's get real, america is a breeding ground for unsatisfied, whiny people who wait for everything to be handed to us because we think we deserve it simply because we are American. NO THANK YOU, I cannot handle it. I find myself guilty of it on a daily basis, and I cannot believe how much I gripe about because I cannot for the life of me remember for a full 24 hours how UNBELIEVABLY blessed I am. For some reason I feel as though I deserve it. Who am I kidding?
But the truth is, according to Tozer, that in churches, they preach two crosses. The Cross of Christ is the cross that saves us, but that same cross also SLAYS us. Then there is the cross of popular evangelicalism- which conditions american churches to feel like we are entitled.
"The old cross slew men, the new cross entertains them. The old cross condemned, the new cross amuses. The old cross destroyed confidence in the flesh, the new cross encourages it. The old cross brought tears and blood, the new cross brings laughter. The flesh, smiling and confident, preaches and sings about the cross; before the cross it bows and toward the cross it points with carefully staged histrionics, but UPON THAT CROSS IT WILL NOT DIE, AND THE REPROACH OF THAT CROSS IT STUBBORNLY REFUSES TO BEAR." boom. roasted.
I mean, am I the only one who things that is seriously heavy stuff? How often do we try to orchestrate things to be perfect in order that people would be changed by what we have to say, only to forget that if WE say anything, we won't save anyone. If the Holy Spirit shows up though, it won't matter what we say- those words won't be ours, and you can pretty much sell the fog machines and strobe lights, because we won't need them. I don't want to be a person who pretends like I have it all together so that other people can look to me for any reason. If they see me, I hope they see a girl who is thankful for grace because it's the only thing that saved me. I hope no one ever says I put on a show, but that I was honest and open, real and vulnerable about my sin. I hope I never think that by hiding it I will ever set the captives free in my own life or in anyone else's. What a joke- we are the LIGHT of the world. Light breaks through darkness, revealing truth- as ugly as that truth may be. And if we really grasped the ugliness that lives in us all, we would finally be able to grasp the joy that comes from being FREE from it. It's a heart that truly understands the weight of it's sin that gets to experience the most joy from it's salvation!
Jimmy Seibert, the pastor at Antioch said at church Sunday, that the happiest people in the world are the people who have no secrets. This is because confession is cleansing, it's beautiful. It's freeing. Admitting things doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. Lord, I pray that my life would always be an open book, and that people around me would know my failures. And I pray that when I fail, which is OFTEN, that when I repent it would be with a heart that desires to truly CHANGE. I don't want to just say "I'm sorry," and then nothing ever change.
I feel like all these things are the reasons that so many of the people I know, and myself included sometimes, have these emotionally-based moments where we feel like we need to change things, and then practically never do. Our entire existence as Christians was based on an emotional decision that has no backbone. There was never a cross that we died on. We were never wrecked. We were just hugged and told how proud everyone was of us, as though we should be praised for our decision to accept God, like he needs our acceptance. No, it is true that HE CHOSE US. He called us to our death, and asks us to come die that we might LIVE. And we look at him and say, Maybe later. Maybe when things get really bad. We lead a Bible study and think we are doing our spiritual duty to others. We are missing the point. We are missing LIFE and instead replacing it with "encounters." We view God as the feeling we get when our favorite worship song is on. We completely miss what he has to offer to our everyday, seemingly small moments- we box him into the areas of our life that he's welcome. But he's either Lord of your whole house, or not. He can't just be Lord of the closet and the bathroom. He can't be Lord of every room EXCEPT for the closet or the bathroom either. You know, that part where we hide all our junk? You know those fears that you'll fail, or that you'll end up alone? He's gotta be Lord of that too.
My prayer today, is that God would wreck shop in my life. I don't care if that means he has to tear everything away in order to reveal himself. I want it. I want him to take my NUMEROUS fears, and crush them like a little ant. My flesh may regret saying that later, but my heart wants it more than I want anything. I pray to God that my hope never rests in "things" or in my own stupid pride. I pray that I would always be open about my struggles, and that God would continue to break off the parts of my life that aren't pleasing to Him. I pray that I would be conquered, and that I would find something in this beautiful walk with the Almighty that would cause me to desire him even more. I pray that I wouldn't care so much about what other people think about me, but instead remember that I am NOT living for what other people think. I have been bought at a price- a HIGH price of the blood shed by a sinless, perfect man who loved me more than any other human being can fathom. Jesus, BREAK me. Crush me to my knees if it means that the only way I can ever walk again is if you give me a new pair of legs. Feet that can stand on the high places, where you are.
I am still working through the desires of my heart to pray about where the Lord wants me. My heart wants so many things. Ideally, if I had no debt (ha!) I would love to work in either medical missions or in just missions in general. I want to see the kingdom of God come to the world. I want to experience him in being stretched beyond what I think I can do. BUT- not that he couldn't provide for my debt, because I totally believe he could, but I want to be faithful to that too. I know that he has me in this place for a reason, and I may never get to experience a trip overseas, but either way, I want to be used to love people who don't get loved. I'm trying to pray through whether I desire this because I'm called to it, or because I just desire it. And I know that whatever I am called to, he will provide for and make a way. So, if you the lovely reader of my blog would say a prayer for that for me, that would be mucho appreciated. Much love!
When I was about 15, I started noticing certain things about the church. Not necessarily my church in particular (this is not a slam against one church) but just churches in general, and it disturbed me. I noticed that more time was spent on preparation for decorations and orchestrating huge events than I felt was spent IN THE WORD hearing from the Lord about what to speak. Hours of set-up and tear down of the lights, screens, computers, instruments, etc... but few people really got saved. And the ones that did just blended in- nobody was really CHANGED. The questions began to sound like "how can we get more people to come?" instead of "how can we hear from the living God?" It began to really bother me that we had begun to make the church look like the world in order to draw the world in, instead of making it a place where the Bible, unaltered, was preached whether it stepped on a few toes or not. It seemed to me that if you're preaching the Word of the Living God, that people would be drawn whether you had an expensive sanctuary or not. People spent hours organizing huge community events to reach people for the Lord, but everyone in the church just seemed so... Tired. Overworked and underwhelmed with God and the real point behind it all. I didn't like it at all, and all through high school really struggled. I would see people go down and have these emotional conversions, sometimes every few weeks the same people would continually "recommit" their lives to Christ. But then no one really loved their neighbor. No one really looked like Jesus. I would hear people talk about all the cool things they wanted to incorporate into the church, and one sunday morning even saw a literal strobe light during worship. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with lights in church, but it just seems to me, that if the Holy Spirit is there, it won't take a strobe light to stir peoples emotions for the Lord. If the Holy Spirit is moving, a strobe light suddenly looks pathetic.
But now, it's all about this emotional experience where we connect with God. A God who is already connected with us. Maybe what we need is time where we AREN'T talking, so that we can HEAR from this God who is so willing to share. Maybe our prayers need to change from "Lord bless us" to "Lord, break us."
I want so desperately to be ruined- be to conquered. To be absolutely demolished for the ordinary. "Only the conquered can know true blessedness... it is only by FULL dependence upon Him that the hidden potentialities of our nature are realized. Apart from this, we are but half-men, malformed and unbeautiful members of a noble race once made to wear the image of its creator. Deliverance can come to us only by the DEFEAT of our own life."
I often wonder why it is that we exalt those around us who are "most christian-like." I am guilty of this too- bigtime. Especially when that thought in itself is the VERY opposite of the soul foundation of Christianity. That we would worship the person who is like God instead of the God himself. In our churches, we build up the leaders, we give extra amounts of respect and esteem to those leaders in the church, and in so we teach me not to die with Christ but to live in the strength of their dying manhood. We teach people to boast in their strength. We glorify men to enhance the standing of the church of God, and the glory of the Prince of life is made to hang upon the fleeting fame of a man that will die.
It is this common mentality that makes me want to just leave this country and move somewhere where life is simple again. I hate the thirst for "things" and the thirst for "status" that exists here. I know every place has its downfalls. I know there is no utopia. But sometimes, I'll be honest- I would kill to be somewhere where I could wear the same shirt every day of my life and no one cared, because no one gave a rip about their stuff. I wish I could be in a place where we weren't all fighting to impress. I want my life to count for something. I don't want mediocrity. I want passion. I want adventure. I want a life that lives more in a week than most live in a lifetime. I want to live a life where I will not be able to get by unless God shows up- and I want to be around people who understand that this world is a blip on the timeline. I often think that as Americans, we invent struggles for ourselves because we don't have a clue about real struggles. If we had actually experienced true hunger, or the questions about where we would sleep at night, I bet our struggles with fitting in, being successful, feeling inadequate, and all the other things we struggle with here would look like a complete joke. We would be like "inadequacy what? i'm just trying to find something to eat so i don't die." Let's get real, america is a breeding ground for unsatisfied, whiny people who wait for everything to be handed to us because we think we deserve it simply because we are American. NO THANK YOU, I cannot handle it. I find myself guilty of it on a daily basis, and I cannot believe how much I gripe about because I cannot for the life of me remember for a full 24 hours how UNBELIEVABLY blessed I am. For some reason I feel as though I deserve it. Who am I kidding?
But the truth is, according to Tozer, that in churches, they preach two crosses. The Cross of Christ is the cross that saves us, but that same cross also SLAYS us. Then there is the cross of popular evangelicalism- which conditions american churches to feel like we are entitled.
"The old cross slew men, the new cross entertains them. The old cross condemned, the new cross amuses. The old cross destroyed confidence in the flesh, the new cross encourages it. The old cross brought tears and blood, the new cross brings laughter. The flesh, smiling and confident, preaches and sings about the cross; before the cross it bows and toward the cross it points with carefully staged histrionics, but UPON THAT CROSS IT WILL NOT DIE, AND THE REPROACH OF THAT CROSS IT STUBBORNLY REFUSES TO BEAR." boom. roasted.
I mean, am I the only one who things that is seriously heavy stuff? How often do we try to orchestrate things to be perfect in order that people would be changed by what we have to say, only to forget that if WE say anything, we won't save anyone. If the Holy Spirit shows up though, it won't matter what we say- those words won't be ours, and you can pretty much sell the fog machines and strobe lights, because we won't need them. I don't want to be a person who pretends like I have it all together so that other people can look to me for any reason. If they see me, I hope they see a girl who is thankful for grace because it's the only thing that saved me. I hope no one ever says I put on a show, but that I was honest and open, real and vulnerable about my sin. I hope I never think that by hiding it I will ever set the captives free in my own life or in anyone else's. What a joke- we are the LIGHT of the world. Light breaks through darkness, revealing truth- as ugly as that truth may be. And if we really grasped the ugliness that lives in us all, we would finally be able to grasp the joy that comes from being FREE from it. It's a heart that truly understands the weight of it's sin that gets to experience the most joy from it's salvation!
Jimmy Seibert, the pastor at Antioch said at church Sunday, that the happiest people in the world are the people who have no secrets. This is because confession is cleansing, it's beautiful. It's freeing. Admitting things doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. Lord, I pray that my life would always be an open book, and that people around me would know my failures. And I pray that when I fail, which is OFTEN, that when I repent it would be with a heart that desires to truly CHANGE. I don't want to just say "I'm sorry," and then nothing ever change.
I feel like all these things are the reasons that so many of the people I know, and myself included sometimes, have these emotionally-based moments where we feel like we need to change things, and then practically never do. Our entire existence as Christians was based on an emotional decision that has no backbone. There was never a cross that we died on. We were never wrecked. We were just hugged and told how proud everyone was of us, as though we should be praised for our decision to accept God, like he needs our acceptance. No, it is true that HE CHOSE US. He called us to our death, and asks us to come die that we might LIVE. And we look at him and say, Maybe later. Maybe when things get really bad. We lead a Bible study and think we are doing our spiritual duty to others. We are missing the point. We are missing LIFE and instead replacing it with "encounters." We view God as the feeling we get when our favorite worship song is on. We completely miss what he has to offer to our everyday, seemingly small moments- we box him into the areas of our life that he's welcome. But he's either Lord of your whole house, or not. He can't just be Lord of the closet and the bathroom. He can't be Lord of every room EXCEPT for the closet or the bathroom either. You know, that part where we hide all our junk? You know those fears that you'll fail, or that you'll end up alone? He's gotta be Lord of that too.
My prayer today, is that God would wreck shop in my life. I don't care if that means he has to tear everything away in order to reveal himself. I want it. I want him to take my NUMEROUS fears, and crush them like a little ant. My flesh may regret saying that later, but my heart wants it more than I want anything. I pray to God that my hope never rests in "things" or in my own stupid pride. I pray that I would always be open about my struggles, and that God would continue to break off the parts of my life that aren't pleasing to Him. I pray that I would be conquered, and that I would find something in this beautiful walk with the Almighty that would cause me to desire him even more. I pray that I wouldn't care so much about what other people think about me, but instead remember that I am NOT living for what other people think. I have been bought at a price- a HIGH price of the blood shed by a sinless, perfect man who loved me more than any other human being can fathom. Jesus, BREAK me. Crush me to my knees if it means that the only way I can ever walk again is if you give me a new pair of legs. Feet that can stand on the high places, where you are.
I am still working through the desires of my heart to pray about where the Lord wants me. My heart wants so many things. Ideally, if I had no debt (ha!) I would love to work in either medical missions or in just missions in general. I want to see the kingdom of God come to the world. I want to experience him in being stretched beyond what I think I can do. BUT- not that he couldn't provide for my debt, because I totally believe he could, but I want to be faithful to that too. I know that he has me in this place for a reason, and I may never get to experience a trip overseas, but either way, I want to be used to love people who don't get loved. I'm trying to pray through whether I desire this because I'm called to it, or because I just desire it. And I know that whatever I am called to, he will provide for and make a way. So, if you the lovely reader of my blog would say a prayer for that for me, that would be mucho appreciated. Much love!
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