First of all, let me say that I am so ridiculous sometimes when it comes to remembering how faithful the Lord has been in all seasons. I think back to SO many moments when the Lord was so inexplicably close to my heart and so visible to me, and I wonder how I could ever forget it for even a second. I am so like Israel. I watch God part the Red Sea in my life time and time again-so visible, so tangible- and then things get a little uncertain and I wonder if God is still around. Would someone just punch me in these moments and be like, "HEY- your manna is coming so stop the whining!"
I remember so many different seasons where I heard the Lord and his voice in my heart, felt his guidance and his hand directing things, and even witnessed miracles. I felt in those moments like there would never be another time that I doubted God's firm hand in my life. Oh Lord, forgive my doubt. I forget you so quickly.
I have grown so drastically in the past few years, and have learned so much about myself. I truly believe that college has this way of bringing out the worst in you so that you can break and realize the desperate need for Jesus. It definitely did that for me. When I was in high school I thought I had everything figured out. I was that kid who everyone would say was "so mature" and what not- but I was lying to myself. There was no maturity; maybe there was a false sense of wishing for maturity, but there was so much more (and still remains so much more) to be done. I was arrogant at times because I would talk about how others didn't have it "all together" and what they should do to fix that. MAN the Lord humbled that right outta me. I realized that no matter who you are, one glance away from the savior and you will become someone you hate. This, I believe is what Paul means when he says this:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15
We are all human, and we have these crazy human desires that can only be offset by humbling ourselves and breaking at the foot of the cross.
This season in my life has been completely new to me. The Lord has been purifying so many things in my life, and has been challenging me like I have never been challenged before. First of all, I'm in grad school at Baylor trying my best to help children to learn the things they need to know to be able to read. It sounds so small, but it's so important. I think about my own love for reading and I wonder what joy I would be missing out on if I was unable to pick up a book and comprehend what it said. I've loved to read since I was 4 years old- literally flying through every book I could get my hands on- and I wonder how anyone could go through life without the precious gift of written words. So I'm trying my best to really teach all this stuff, while at the same time not really having a clue how to go about it. I want so badly to make a difference in these little lives. I want the Lord to use me to plant seeds that will grow in time. I am striving for this ultimate goal of bringing glory to the God in my professional career, and it's hard.
Most days I go home exhausted, and a little discouraged. But then I wake up and it's like the Lord breathes new energy into me every morning that I can't explain. It's like he's giving me an extra measure of grace; carrying me through this period of time that I am stumbling through like an infant. I love my God for this. I love him so deeply for carrying me so well. He never gives up on me!!
I have also learned through these 4 years that life is all about perspective. If I choose to believe something is bad- it will be bad. If I choose to see things through Jesus' eyes, it is always a blessing. Even the worst of times are wonderful when you look at it through his eyes. There is an epic reason for why he allows what he allows, and the more I look back at my life and see the interworkings of his hands, I trust him more. Lord thank you for not making life what I want it to be.
He is so faithful in every season. He is so good at pruning us. I am so thankful for his love that will not allow me to stay in one place! I am so thankful for the people that he has given me to walk with through this journey. I am so grateful that he is teaching me what it feels like to delight in him alone. Thank you Jesus for this time that you are growing me closer to your heart. I love being nearest to you- I love resting in you and your peace when I am at the end of my rope. I would rather be in these hard and breaking situations every day of my life than to have an easy life and forget my need for you. Send more my way Lord, so that I can learn more and become more like you. Teach me to be faithful in the little things. Show me what it really means to love like you have loved me. Let me live separately from this world and all its lies- that I would be able to discern what is right from what is not. Break my selfishness. Tune my heart to yours so that I never stop hearing your voice! I LOVE you.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
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