This One's for the Girls

It’s easy to feel insecure about who you are when you’re alone. Heck, if you’re anything like me, it’s easy even when you’re not alone. I struggle daily with the need to hear from other people about who I am. It’s easy to doubt myself when I’m existing in a daily routine where my impact is seemingly very small, and altogether pretty unnoticed, especially because inside my heart exist dreams of immense proportion and fears of never reaching them. Why is it that this overall theme of insecurity is such a rampant disease among women-and men too for that matter? It’s like that movie “Outbreak” with the infected monkeys that go around biting everyone… and I’ll be the first to admit that most of us have been bitten. Okay, let’s get real- the other day I cried for pretty much no reason because I felt so crippled from fear that I would eventually be unwanted, enough to not be able to enjoy the present! Fear that my life would look like so many others’ lives, full of rejection or cheating. I sat there thinking, “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?” Good Lord, am I going insane? And don’t you dare ask me if it was just “that time of the month,” or I’ll punch you square in the mouth. Get real. Men face it too, it just looks different. Something has to be done about this.

As I was walking today listening to music and thinking about life in general, I realized that my insecurities were not just a matter of self-doubt, but also God-doubt. A lack of faith, better put. When I believe lies that tell me that I’m not good enough, I also am choosing to ignore who God already says that I am. I forget that he chose to love me in my own filth and nasty state, and says he will never leave me. I choose to believe that he is a liar. Boom. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d love to tell myself that I trust God. I’d LOVE to act like I have that trust thing in the bag, but let’s get real, it’s work. It’s hard. I’d much rather just hear it from someone who I can actually see!

I can’t even tell you how many friends I have with the same story. Friends who have given up everything for a relationship with someone who never loved them. Friends who would do just about anything for the person they’ve always dreamed of to come along and change their world and show them that they’re worth something. Friends who work out 3 hours a day because they fear if they don’t, their boyfriend will lose interest and move on to the next best thing. For some reason, we think that the men in our lives would love to hear all about our struggles, when, in reality, no man wants to bear the responsibility of determining our worth. It’s overwhelming. Yet, instead of fighting against it, we have settled for the realization that our worth and overall interest is comparable to that of a new video game…really cool at first, but then after you know all the cheat codes and the secret tunnels, well, when will the next one come out? Am I the only one who dreams of more than that?

While we are sitting around being insecure, abundant life is passing us by. We tell ourselves that if we only had this or that, we would be content and secure, but oh how we are wholly deceived. Our culture lies to us the most. The “If you’re not happy with what you have, go out and find something better” mentality. After a while our hearts believe that our happiness takes precedence to our holiness. Our need for being loved takes priority to our call to BE LOVE. We wake up one day and realize that our whole life is centered around our own personal happiness, and we wonder why no one wants to listen to what we have to say. What a scam.
What’s even worse than the insecurity, is the idea of pretending it doesn’t exist. There is this laughable act we put on to pretend like nothing bothers us. The “I don’t really care” attitude. We make for ourselves a little glass box and sit in it, hoping that we can still make an impact on others while keeping ourselves safe and closed off from harm. And yet, it’s a constant catch-22… Do I let my guard down and put my heart on the line in an attempt to show love to other people at the risk of being hurt? Or do I protect my heart and never really, fully, love anyone? Is there a middle ground? Can we learn to love, but love with a smart heart? Or do we have to keep walking around either being emotional basket-cases or acting as though our heart and emotions are hard as stone?

What about that issue of being a people-pleaser? There are even times when I truly feel that the Lord has put something on my heart, but I don’t share it because I fear what people will say. Will they understand my heart behind it? Will they just make fun of me? Will they think I’m just some closed minded Bible beater? When will I ever learn that I am not trying to please men, but God? And so commences this blog-one born out of a desire to try to figure out my own heart. Is it possible to beat this monster of insecurity and self-doubt? I am willing to bet that the women who have beaten it didn’t do so without a fight.

Now, I don’t know much about this issue, but I do know a couple things, and that is that 1. God is always faithful, always good, and always love. Even when God is just and fair, it’s out of a heart of love. 2. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Every lie about who I am (and who I am not) comes from him. Every time the world tells me I’m not good enough, God tells me that yes, I’m NOT good enough-BUT He is, and He is inside of me.

The anti-venom to this problem is not a reliance on self, but a reliance on God, and a constant and daily fueling up on truth. It’s not a self-help book telling us how awesome we are. It’s not a motivational speaker or a to do list for freedom. It’s truth. How can we wage war on lies without a weapon of truth? If we don’t know what God’s truth is about our worth, how can we ever dismiss the lies that tell us our value is based on our actions and the actions of those around us? I’ll admit, it’s much easier to listen to the opinions of someone with tangible hugs and audible words. And if you’re like me, you’re probably often frustrated with the constant circle of taking 5 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. But I ask you this- even though it’s not 5 steps, isn’t 2 steps still progress?

I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and she made an awesome point. She said she was always raised that you do certain things and avoid other things so that the person that you marry will value that about you, but that the more she got to know Jesus, the more she realized the holes in that logic. She asked herself, “But what if I never get married? Then I have done all these things for my future husband?” Does that, then, make all of those things meaningless? The reality is, it’s not about what you do, but why you do it, and whom you’re doing it for. Why do we act holy? To impress other people? Or to draw closer to the God who is always more holy than we can be? Why do we avoid sin? Is it because we are judgmental or is it because we want to?

The beauty of knowing Jesus is that I’m not the same person this week as I was last week. Even when I stumble through those 5 forward steps just to run back 3… I know He delights in my small and straining forward motion. I know that in order to accomplish much for him, I have to learn to be faithful in the small things-the seemingly insignificant. I’m learning every day more and more that I am literally incapable of loving anyone on this earth without realizing how loved I am by God. I can’t be there for anyone if I doubt that God is capable to use even me. Lord knows I will never understand His heart. Lord knows I’ll have quite a few more train wrecks before I make it to my final stopping point.

So, I find, at the end of the day, the way for me to combat the lies of insecurity is to stock up on the truth that is the word of God. Truth that says that every hair on my head is numbered. Truth that tells me that the God of the universe knit me together in my mother’s womb, and that his plans for me are ones of hope and future. Truth that says that although the world may cause trouble and doubt, that I can take heart! He has already overcome the world. =)