Growing Where I'm Planted.

It’s been way too long since I’ve blogged… and I feel like every time I blog that’s the opening line. So, admittedly I am not very good at a task requiring me to sit still for longer than about 15 minutes, but here goes nothin!

I don’t have anything clever to write about, mainly because my life as of late has consisted of waking up, treking to the hospital for internship, coming home, working out and/or sitting on my lazy butt and relaxing, and then going to bed at the truly senior citizen worthy hour of about 10:00. I have realized that the real world post-college is nowhere near as exciting as late night Whataburger runs after two-stepping for hours with friends, spending nights in friends’ living rooms huddled around and listening to really good guitar players, or making random 1am road trips to the Branch Davidian compound. I drove past Baylor last weekend on my way home, and I couldn’t help but laugh at so many good times with so many of my favorite people who are now scattered all over the US working through the monotony that is real-life jobs right along with me. How in the world did I get the blessing of going to such an amazing college with such legit people? I’ll never know.

I have to say, though, that being the nomad and overall adventure seeker that I am, (once again, I get bored easily) I am really loving life right now in a place that I never thought in a million years I would live. I have never been afraid of being off on my own-truth be told I need “me” time to be able to function…but this season of life has had its moments of glory and moments of loneliness. Going from a city full of my best friends to now a city where I know only ONE friend (shout out, Camille!!) has been slightly strange, but really, really good. I feel like this is a period where the Lord is teaching me a lot about how to be grateful for the place that I am in while I’m there- to grow where I’m planted so to speak. I know, without a doubt, that there is a specific reason why I am here for these few months, and I know that the Lord knows exactly where he will plant my life next.

It feels weird, and I’ll admit, HARD to realize that I am not in control of the next step of my life. I often need a reminder that that’s a GOOD thing. I think I often forget how much bigger my Lord’s perspective is than my own, and how insanely good he is even when there is not a decent place in my own heart. He brought me here to San Antonio to learn Speech Pathology from one of the best SLP’s in the state of Texas, and he will put me in a phenomenal job where I can grow even more and hopefully help people in such a way that I am using every gift I have for his glory. He provided a beautiful home for me to live and a wonderful family to live with here. He has blessed my family with good health, and given me the most wonderful blessing in a man to walk with me (albeit from 300 miles away) through this season and teach me at the same time how flawed and selfish I can be. I am grateful for family and for a boyfriend who never let me stay the same, but constantly challenge me to be the best person I can be. I can't even explain how thankful I am for people who push me closer to the God that I love, and remind me of my need for him. God is good. He has been so faithful.

If you know me at all and have walked through grad school life with me, you know that there have been so many times when I felt like quitting. IE: CAMP SUCCESS (see: “If hell had a name it would be Neill Morris Hall blog post if you need to catch up) Anyways, I can honestly say now that in spite of how hard the past year and a half has been, I am so unbelievably thankful to have the job that I have. I can honestly say that I have found something that I love to wake up for, and would love to do even if I made no money doing it. There is nothing in this world that beats the look on a person’s face, after they have been through hell and back with a stroke or brain injury, and you tell them that they can finally eat again. There is nothing that beats seeing that moment where a dad writes “I love you” on a notepad to his little girl who hasn’t been able to communicate with him in weeks. I love getting to be there to give love and hope to people as their family is going through one of the toughest times they’ll ever face. There is bittersweet beauty watching couples that have been married for 50+ years support each other and love each other to the end. I hope with all my heart that the love between me and my husband grows more every year like theirs. I am truly more blessed by the people I work with than they could ever bless me, and I thank God every day for my internship and the new perspective and thankfulness that it brings.

Today I was working in the NICU with the TEEEENY TINY babies, and I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Nothing makes you in awe of God’s intricate detail like seeing a baby the size of your hand with every tiny finger and toe moving. It’s like looking at a living, breathing, Barbie doll. I was literally just staring like a little kid. There was this baby in the corner crying in this open air crib, and my supervisor informed me that she was crying because she was having withdrawals from being addicted to heroine. Her mother apparently admitted to using heroine during the pregnancy and THE DAY she was born. Now, on one hand I really wanted to hunt down the mom and scream at her, (just being honest) but on the other hand, it offered me so much perspective. I am so blessed, and there are so many people who go through so much pain, even pain that they don’t have any control over. This poor sweet baby didn’t get to choose her mom. It’s humbling that so often I feel like I don’t deserve to go through tough times, and yet I haven’t even begun to see tough times.

Sometimes I wonder, when I’m having an ungrateful moment or a complaint-filled day, why the Lord even puts up with me. It still blows my mind every time I think about his unconditional, faithful love that knows no limits. I wonder how he could possibly shake his head for the 8 millionth time at me and still love me because he knows that his perfect son’s blood and grace covers every ounce of my most royal screw ups. And if I know this and really believe it, there is no circumstance that can shake my joy. There is no pain that can steal it. He is goodness and life, and nothing else on this earth will satisfy my soul and heart but Him. =)