Ode to Comps and Praxis

Dear COMPS and PRAXIS,

I would like to take this moment, as I am breaking from my 7-hour studying marathon, to express my sincere hatred for every fiber of your being- that is, every fiber of the paper that you are printed on.

I want to personally thank you for sending me into the frazzled state of stressed and pissed-offness that I have existed in for the past 3 months. You really are a gem. Thank you for consuming my thoughts, making me spontaneously tear up at the mere mention of your name, and most of all- thank you for causing my hair to fall out and my face to look like my pores are participating in a jail break.

As though the grad school program isn’t stressful enough, let’s just top it off with a horrifying comprehensive exam over the past 5 years of your life. Makes me really kick myself for all those years of undergrad that I trained myself to sleep through Audiology and Speech Science with my eyes open. And as for you, iPhone, thanks a heap for offering me enthralling games to play, like spider solitaire, during every class. Damn you, addictive personality. Damn you, A.D.D.

On another note, I literally, I think my face has declared mutiny against me. I have tried everything from Mary Kay to Cetaphil, facial scrubs, amber bar… all powerless in the battle of fighting the stress hormones that are being released into my system on a daily basis. So now, I must accept the fact that for yet another month, I will be the acne-faced 17 year old girl with patchy hair loss, posting up in Panera and chowing down on Everything Bagels.

However, I must cease my complaints long enough to list the positive things about COMPS.

1. I get to have a COMPS buddy. AKA incredible person responsible for pampering me with fatty foods that I do not need, but LOVE, during the week leading up to COMPS. My buddy, whomever she may be, is freaking phenomenal. I have thus far gotten one of the most top-notch CD’s ever made (I actually am convinced that she hijacked my iTunes and stalked my music preferences) not to mention two cokes (my arch nemesis/drug addiction) a WHOLE PACKAGE of Reese’s eggs which is the second greatest thing about Easter (The first being Jesus, DUH, I’m no heathen), a bunch of miniature Reese’s, a 3 Spoons Frozen Yogurt Gift card (which elevated her to the status of most badass COMPS buddy alive), multiple cards, and Japanese Cherry Blossom perfume, body lotion, and bath soap. God bless you COMPS buddy. You really are the shiz.

2. Every year, the day before COMPS, we have a comps lunch, catered by the underclassmen. It’s SOOOOO much fun, and those girls put so much work into it. Free food, good laughs, and the big reveal of our COMPS buddies, to which we owe our partial sanity.

Unfortunately, those are the only two positive things I can say about COMPS and Praxis. Some would say the real positive thing about it is the opportunity to learn more about our field, become better clinicians, BLAH BLAH BLAH. You people who say that are nuts, and I honestly don’t trust you with any life decisions that affect me if you say that out loud. I think you might have gone a little crazy in the head through this process. Yes, being excellent clinicians is our goal, but no one likes studying. Let’s just call it what it is, deal?

Aside from all this, dearest COMPS and Praxis, I must inform you that I thoroughly plan on smoking the crap out of you. Put up all the fight you like, but I am going to dominate you, kick you in the man parts, and send you back to the fiery abyss of hell that you came from. I sincerely expect you to hit me with your best shot, to which I must reply, “Fire Away.”

So, Third Semesters, this post is dedicated to you, and if you weren’t studying like it was your job, I bet you’d actually read it. Keep it up, we’re ALMOST DONE!!!