My blogging creativity has been lacking in major ways lately. Maybe it’s due to the fact that all my excess brain-power has been spent on cramming as much information as I can about speech pathology into my brain before dreaded COMPS and PRAXIS… either way- I am going to unashamedly steal the clever ideas of the one, the ONLY, ALLY RICE! (Ally, I sincerely hope that shout out was enough, and that there will be no lawsuits for copyright infringement)
5 Things that I Like:
1. Crawfish, Queso, and ICEEs (Although not necessarily at the same time)
2. My guitar, which is yet to be named.
3. 3 Spoons Frozen Yogurt. I’m honestly not sure how I got by in life without it at this point, but if I were a cat, Sugar Free Double Stuffed Cookies and Cream and White Cake Batter swirl fro-yo would be my cat-nip.
4. The ocean. If I could live near the ocean for the rest of my life, I’m 98% positive that I would never get sick of it. And even if I did, I could just vacation to visit Ally and my sister and brother in the frozen tundra state of Colorado, and then remember why I live at the beach in the warmth- and why it’s 1,000 times better than frostbite and runny noses.
5. Jon Bon Jovi and his gorgeous 50-year-old self. I sincerely hope my future husband is okay with the risk that if Bon Jovi ever asked me to marry him, I would very sinfully divorce my husband and spend happily ever after listening to Jon play “I’ll be there for you” to me in the dark…
5 Things that I Don’t Like:
1. Being cold
2. The fact that my best friend and family live in the coldest state in America (see above)
3. When people misuse “your” and “you’re.” Seriously people, go back to 2nd grade please. Actually, change this one to include grammatical errors in general.
4. The fact that, no matter WHERE I am, my iPhone incessantly drops every single phone call I ever make. It’s always in the middle of the best part of either my story, or my friend’s story. Like, “Oh my gosh, you will not believe what he said after that…” BEEP BEEP BEEP. Call Failed. Spins me into a new dimension of pissed off EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
5. Losing sports games. I can’t even really go into detail about this one without getting my blood pressure up- but trust me, it ain’t pretty.
5 Things that Make Me Laugh:
1. Being tickled. However, I must note that this is not the, “ohhh I love this, it’s so funny” kind of laughter. It’s more like the, “I swear to God when I catch my breath again I will secretly plot your slow and tortuous death” kind.
2. Mullets- especially in Branson, MO.
3. Really traumatic and vague facebook statuses. For example, “What you did was so wrong, and now my heart feels like it has shattered all over the floor.” Okay, excuse me- was this directed at all of us? Because I’m reading this, and yet I don’t recall ever mistreating you, so could you please pick your heart up off the floor and clarify? Or, “So-and-So is just wishing he would love me like he should have all along.” Okay, I hate to be the one to tell you this, sister, but he’s probably not loving you because you are an insecure nutcase. In fact, your status just solidified that- and he’s reading it thinking, PRAISE GOD I ESCAPED! I laugh with you, at you, and for you.
4. YouTube videos from my witty friends. Top notch, every time. Favorite of the week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6lBopUbtqY&feature=related
5. Modern Family. Enough said. If you haven’t seen it, shame on you. Go HULU it immediately. You can thank me later.
5 Things that Make Me Cry:
1. Cheesy videos like the one of the Olympic runner who tears out his knee in the final race, and his dad comes down out of the stands and helps him to the finish line. Whew, I just teared up thinking about it.
2. When someone around me is crying. No one can cry in my presence without me joining them.
3. Letters from my nieces or nephews. Gets me every time
4. Saying goodbye to people- only it's always after the fact. They always leave thinking "oh wow, Megan really doesn't care at all that I'm leaving," and then ten minutes later I have a nervous breakdown in the car alone. It's awkward. Dang you, poorly timed emotions.
5. The movies Old Yeller, Where the Red Fern Grows, and Steel Magnolias. Like, who’s idea was it to make these movies? Poor demented souls. Can we just turn this off and watch Wedding Crashers already?
5 People I Respect:
1. Shemar Moore
2. John Mayer. I don’t care if you’re a socially awkward guy who always says the culturally inappropriate things at all the wrong moments- you are a talented dude, and your lyrics ROCK.
3. Ally Rice- because she came up with good blog ideas, managed to find a baller job with NO experience, snowboards every weekend, and still manages to find time to call me like EVERY day. You da bomb.
4. Professional Chefs. I don’t care which one- the mere fact that you went to school in order to make the act of getting fat more delicious makes me love you.
5. A.W. Tozer
5 People I Don’t Respect:
1. Brad Womack. Seriously dude, the fact that you, and every other Bachelor in history, are telling ten different women at once that you think you’re falling in love with them is wack. I bet I could fall in love with Mickey Mouse if we got to spend two weeks in Anguilla rappelling down waterfalls and frolicking on our own personal island. I'm not sure who is more funny to watch- you, or the women who love you one day, and then expect you to be their personal therapist the next. However, I LOVE making fun of all of you, so please don’t stop. Thanks.
2. Obama. Homeboy is not my fav
3. Men with tiny dogs. If I see a man walking a dog any smaller than a beagle, I automatically judge him. I don’t care if it’s your girlfriend’s dog and you are kindly walking Foofie for her… that just makes you double whipped. Buy a black lab, a rifle, and a six pack of beer, and regain your testosterone.
4. Lady Gaga
5. People who drive under the speed limit in the fast lane. Don’t even get me started. There is not a single thing that makes me want to ram my car into the back of the person in front of me more than a stupid driver going glacier-pace on the interstate. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.
5 Things I Enjoy Doing:
1. Walking the Bear Trail while podcasting Matt Chandler with Oakley
2. Singing American Idol style (only nowhere near the talent level) in my car on my way anywhere. I have almost convinced myself that I’m actually good. NOPE.
3. Being outside playing sports that include soccer, throwing the football, flag football, ultimate Frisbee, baseball, tennis, basketball, or swimming. Actually, I should broaden that to competitive activities in general. Although don’t beat me, or you’ll quickly make it onto the bad list. (see above)
4. Reading in a hammock, outside, on a 70-80 degree day. There is NOTHING better, except maybe falling asleep in said hammock.
5. Going to live sporting events or concerts. I can’t decide which of those I like more, but either way- you can’t go wrong.
5 Things I Don’t Enjoy Doing:
1. Working out- I have a love/hate relationship with this activity.
2. Studying
3. Sitting in class- I can barely keep my ADD in check long enough to write a blog- sitting in class is like my tenth circle of hell.
4. Laundry. Where do all my socks go?
5. Affirmation circles at Kanakuk. Talk about forced awkwardness. I never understood this concept- and honestly, most of the time I just let my camper sleep through it. No one wants to make someone say something nice about them. But good try, A-Rob.
5 Things that I am Excited About:
1. Bon Jovi concert with Kenneth May 17th WOOOOOOOOO
2. Spring BREEAAAAAAAK
3. End of the semester- May 2011. PRAISE THE GOOD LORD.
4. Graduation- August 13th!!!!!
5. Warrior Dash
5 Things that I am Not Excited About:
1. Finding a big-girl job
2. Waking up at 5:30 tomorrow morning
3. COMPS and PRAXIS
4. The day I have to move far away from 3 Spoons Frozen Yogurt.
5. The day that Shemar Moore gets old and is no longer attractive. (I don’t see this happening though)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Father's Heart
When I was probably about 8 years old, I remember getting my favorite Christmas present. My dad surprised me with it around September, because he was never very good at holding out on a secret. I came home from school to find a beanie baby sitting on my bed with a note. As I read the note, I began a scavenger hunt around my house, each point marked with a different beanie baby, (Lord knows I had about 1,000 of those stupid things that are now packed in my attic in three huge tubs) and a note to give the clue to find the next. After about six beanie baby notes, I came upon the seventh, which was a stuffed frog that was so cleverly hidden in my bathtub. The note told me to go outside, around the corner of the house by where our pool pump house was. At this point, I just assumed I would be getting yet another beanie baby, so I hurried outside SO excited to see what the next animal would be. But, as I rounded the corner, my eyes widened, heart stopped, and there it was—my very own motorized scooter. I’m pretty sure I was more excited to get that scooter than I was at 16 getting my first real car. I was EXSTATIC. I spent the next year at least racing that sucker around the front lawn, down one side of the ditch and ramping up the other, flying around trees, and making my own race course through the grass. I was unstoppable.
To understand why this was so cool to me, you have to first understand that, as a child, I was the world’s biggest tomboy. I spent my playground days racing the boys, and beating them at pull-ups during our PE fitness tests. At recess, I was the pink Power Ranger who ran around with the boys, karate chopping trees that we pretended were the bad guys. The week before my fifth grade play, Peter Pan, I got a black eye because I was pitching while playing baseball with the boys and got the ball hit back into my eye at warp speed. I had to put concealer on my eyes in the play to hide the bruises, so as not to portray Wendy as the girl who was abused by Peter Pan. Bottom line, I was not interested in pretty dresses, fluffy bows, or flirting with the boys. So, when my dad surprised me with my go-ped… it would have been like a normal girl getting surprised with a My Size Barbie coupled with her life-size Barbie dream car. But me? Nope. I had a need for speed that the dream car just couldn’t provide. Fast-forward to now, 15 years later. My sweet daddy still gives me great stuff, but I’m pretty sure nothing will ever quite compare to that scooter.
Now to my point. Today I was reading in Luke, and something stuck with me:
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” – Luke 11:9-13
This made me think about my own father, and how he would have given his left arm to make sure that I was taken care of, happy, and provided for. I never went hungry growing up, and I never had to worry about not having clothes to wear. On top of just providing the necessities, my dad also provided me with things “just because,” like my scooter. I didn’t do anything to earn that, he just wanted to see me smiling and having fun! If I asked my dad for something, he inevitably was going to give it to me, and probably a little more. Why? It’s simple. Because I was his little girl, and he wanted the best things for my life.
These verses say even bigger things about Jesus-that we should be open and honest with him about what we need, from the smallest desires of our heart to our biggest practical needs. Who has a desire for something powerful to happen in his heart? He should ask God. Who has a need? Ask God. The fact that, so often, as people who follow Jesus, our prayer lives do not mirror our hearts to know Christ is really sad. I am guilty of this too. I know how to get to know him, but I forget sometimes the importance of talking to him. When I say that out loud it sounds really stupid haha.
What is beautiful about Him is that he is not my dad. He is not anyone’s earthly dad. See, everyone’s earthly dads are human, evil in their very core apart from Christ. As sinners, we are all lost without grace. It brings a whole new worth to these verses when you remember that even a human, innately evil father desires to give the best to his children when they ask him for it. How much more can a perfect father give?
I think often, when I am asked to trust God, I find it difficult because I have a skewed mentality of who he is. Tozer put it this way:
“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. ... Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.”
I feel like if I could really grasp that not only does God love me, but that he desires ONLY GOOD for my life, it would be easier to trust him in moments where I feel like he is emptying the goodness from my life. To me, it might feel like he is stripping everything I know and love out of my life, when in reality, he is clearing room for more of Himself-knowing that HE is the only thing that can bring me true happiness. He takes situations that look like disasters to us, and orchestrates something beautiful that we never saw coming.
And we, being stupid, don’t realize just how many of our prayers God answers, because we forget what we pray for almost as soon as it leaves our lips. Matt Chandler said it perfectly, “We are like children on Christmas morning that get tons of presents, and then pout because we didn’t get the pony.” We gripe about the ONE unanswered prayer and forget the hundreds that were answered. Or, we attribute his goodness to the things around us that are visible. We praise the gifts, the creation, the technology, the medicine- and we forget to praise the One who created it all. Why give glory to the table, when you can get to know the carpenter? And if we truly learn to trust him, not only will he surprise us with what he loves to give to his children, but I think he will also keep us from a lot of pain.
Back to my scooter story for a minute…
Before dad would let me ride the scooter, he told me the conditions. He pulled out a shiny helmet and a set of elbow and knee pads, and informed me that I needed to wear them to protect myself when I rode. I rolled my eyes, being that I was eight and knew everything, and put them on begrudgingly. However, after riding the scooter around like Evel Knievel for about two weeks, it started getting annoying to have to put on all of my protective gear. I figured, since I had a lot of experience, I was practically a pro. I didn’t need all that gear, right? I had never wrecked before, why worry about the hassle? DAY ONE of no protective gear happened, and I felt indestructible. That is, until I decided to ramp off the driveway and onto the neighbors’ driveway which was about a two feet drop from ours. In that one extremely stupid moment, I flew through the air- midway through realizing that I was NOT going to land well. My tires hit hard on the pavement, and I wiped out bigtime, sliding down my neighbors’ driveway as my scooter flew into the grass. My first reaction was to see if my dad was looking, and then… the pain came. I looked down and realized my elbow was bleeding, and, being the wimp that I am, I broke out into hysteria. (Excuse me, but WHY did I have to scrape my ELBOW of all things? I mean, could I not have scraped something that wouldn’t have been protected had I worn the gear my dad had bought for me? Geez)
I ran into the house, and my dad took me in his arms. He sat me up on the kitchen counter and started pouring alcohol on my open wound (payback). I of course screamed bloody murder as he told me that it would only hurt for a minute and would clean all the germs out of my cut. I thought at first he was only doing it to torture me, but since he was right about the elbow pads I decided to trust him. Turns out dad isn’t such a dummy after all.
Now, you would think I would have learned after that experience to listen to warnings. You would assume that I would look down at the disgusting scar on my right elbow and think twice the next time I wanted to do things my own way. Buuuuuuut, of course, I am the most stubborn human being known to mankind, and 15 years later, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to “see for myself” at my own expense. So many times I thought I knew better than God. I thought I was indestructible. I ignored his voice when he told me to run away, to protect my heart, or to trust that what looked hopeless was really the best way. Instead, I try to trick him into believing that my way would actually be better. Haha, I’m an idiot. It’s laughable.
Yet, at the end of the day, I’m an idiot with a God who, thankfully, is nothing like me. Luckily, I don’t have to be perfect for my Father to delight in me. All I have to do is ask, seek, and knock, and trust that God does not desire my perfection- but instead he desires endless, reckless pursuit. Pursuit that says to Him, “I cannot rest until I know the depths of exactly who you are.” Pursuit that is honest about my fears, my desires, my lack of control, the ugliness in my heart, and my annoying secret sins that, LET’S BE HONEST, are not secret to him anyways. That’s a little freaky to think about, but honestly, extremely freeing. Stop hiding from God. Share with him your fears. Share your insecurities. There is no better person to tell these things to than the God who holds every key to victory over fears, insecurities, sin, and death. Share them with the God who delights in giving good gifts to his children. Trust that he wants only the best and most wonderful things for your life. Those wonderful things may lead you away from something you think is vital to your happiness, but they will never lead you anywhere but closer to the God who IS HIMSELF happiness. And when your life is lead by a God like him, and your decisions are based on his voice and guidance, you will find something worth far more than yourself. Happy searching!
To understand why this was so cool to me, you have to first understand that, as a child, I was the world’s biggest tomboy. I spent my playground days racing the boys, and beating them at pull-ups during our PE fitness tests. At recess, I was the pink Power Ranger who ran around with the boys, karate chopping trees that we pretended were the bad guys. The week before my fifth grade play, Peter Pan, I got a black eye because I was pitching while playing baseball with the boys and got the ball hit back into my eye at warp speed. I had to put concealer on my eyes in the play to hide the bruises, so as not to portray Wendy as the girl who was abused by Peter Pan. Bottom line, I was not interested in pretty dresses, fluffy bows, or flirting with the boys. So, when my dad surprised me with my go-ped… it would have been like a normal girl getting surprised with a My Size Barbie coupled with her life-size Barbie dream car. But me? Nope. I had a need for speed that the dream car just couldn’t provide. Fast-forward to now, 15 years later. My sweet daddy still gives me great stuff, but I’m pretty sure nothing will ever quite compare to that scooter.
Now to my point. Today I was reading in Luke, and something stuck with me:
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” – Luke 11:9-13
This made me think about my own father, and how he would have given his left arm to make sure that I was taken care of, happy, and provided for. I never went hungry growing up, and I never had to worry about not having clothes to wear. On top of just providing the necessities, my dad also provided me with things “just because,” like my scooter. I didn’t do anything to earn that, he just wanted to see me smiling and having fun! If I asked my dad for something, he inevitably was going to give it to me, and probably a little more. Why? It’s simple. Because I was his little girl, and he wanted the best things for my life.
These verses say even bigger things about Jesus-that we should be open and honest with him about what we need, from the smallest desires of our heart to our biggest practical needs. Who has a desire for something powerful to happen in his heart? He should ask God. Who has a need? Ask God. The fact that, so often, as people who follow Jesus, our prayer lives do not mirror our hearts to know Christ is really sad. I am guilty of this too. I know how to get to know him, but I forget sometimes the importance of talking to him. When I say that out loud it sounds really stupid haha.
What is beautiful about Him is that he is not my dad. He is not anyone’s earthly dad. See, everyone’s earthly dads are human, evil in their very core apart from Christ. As sinners, we are all lost without grace. It brings a whole new worth to these verses when you remember that even a human, innately evil father desires to give the best to his children when they ask him for it. How much more can a perfect father give?
I think often, when I am asked to trust God, I find it difficult because I have a skewed mentality of who he is. Tozer put it this way:
“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. ... Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.”
I feel like if I could really grasp that not only does God love me, but that he desires ONLY GOOD for my life, it would be easier to trust him in moments where I feel like he is emptying the goodness from my life. To me, it might feel like he is stripping everything I know and love out of my life, when in reality, he is clearing room for more of Himself-knowing that HE is the only thing that can bring me true happiness. He takes situations that look like disasters to us, and orchestrates something beautiful that we never saw coming.
And we, being stupid, don’t realize just how many of our prayers God answers, because we forget what we pray for almost as soon as it leaves our lips. Matt Chandler said it perfectly, “We are like children on Christmas morning that get tons of presents, and then pout because we didn’t get the pony.” We gripe about the ONE unanswered prayer and forget the hundreds that were answered. Or, we attribute his goodness to the things around us that are visible. We praise the gifts, the creation, the technology, the medicine- and we forget to praise the One who created it all. Why give glory to the table, when you can get to know the carpenter? And if we truly learn to trust him, not only will he surprise us with what he loves to give to his children, but I think he will also keep us from a lot of pain.
Back to my scooter story for a minute…
Before dad would let me ride the scooter, he told me the conditions. He pulled out a shiny helmet and a set of elbow and knee pads, and informed me that I needed to wear them to protect myself when I rode. I rolled my eyes, being that I was eight and knew everything, and put them on begrudgingly. However, after riding the scooter around like Evel Knievel for about two weeks, it started getting annoying to have to put on all of my protective gear. I figured, since I had a lot of experience, I was practically a pro. I didn’t need all that gear, right? I had never wrecked before, why worry about the hassle? DAY ONE of no protective gear happened, and I felt indestructible. That is, until I decided to ramp off the driveway and onto the neighbors’ driveway which was about a two feet drop from ours. In that one extremely stupid moment, I flew through the air- midway through realizing that I was NOT going to land well. My tires hit hard on the pavement, and I wiped out bigtime, sliding down my neighbors’ driveway as my scooter flew into the grass. My first reaction was to see if my dad was looking, and then… the pain came. I looked down and realized my elbow was bleeding, and, being the wimp that I am, I broke out into hysteria. (Excuse me, but WHY did I have to scrape my ELBOW of all things? I mean, could I not have scraped something that wouldn’t have been protected had I worn the gear my dad had bought for me? Geez)
I ran into the house, and my dad took me in his arms. He sat me up on the kitchen counter and started pouring alcohol on my open wound (payback). I of course screamed bloody murder as he told me that it would only hurt for a minute and would clean all the germs out of my cut. I thought at first he was only doing it to torture me, but since he was right about the elbow pads I decided to trust him. Turns out dad isn’t such a dummy after all.
Now, you would think I would have learned after that experience to listen to warnings. You would assume that I would look down at the disgusting scar on my right elbow and think twice the next time I wanted to do things my own way. Buuuuuuut, of course, I am the most stubborn human being known to mankind, and 15 years later, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to “see for myself” at my own expense. So many times I thought I knew better than God. I thought I was indestructible. I ignored his voice when he told me to run away, to protect my heart, or to trust that what looked hopeless was really the best way. Instead, I try to trick him into believing that my way would actually be better. Haha, I’m an idiot. It’s laughable.
Yet, at the end of the day, I’m an idiot with a God who, thankfully, is nothing like me. Luckily, I don’t have to be perfect for my Father to delight in me. All I have to do is ask, seek, and knock, and trust that God does not desire my perfection- but instead he desires endless, reckless pursuit. Pursuit that says to Him, “I cannot rest until I know the depths of exactly who you are.” Pursuit that is honest about my fears, my desires, my lack of control, the ugliness in my heart, and my annoying secret sins that, LET’S BE HONEST, are not secret to him anyways. That’s a little freaky to think about, but honestly, extremely freeing. Stop hiding from God. Share with him your fears. Share your insecurities. There is no better person to tell these things to than the God who holds every key to victory over fears, insecurities, sin, and death. Share them with the God who delights in giving good gifts to his children. Trust that he wants only the best and most wonderful things for your life. Those wonderful things may lead you away from something you think is vital to your happiness, but they will never lead you anywhere but closer to the God who IS HIMSELF happiness. And when your life is lead by a God like him, and your decisions are based on his voice and guidance, you will find something worth far more than yourself. Happy searching!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
70 x 7
It’s funny how God often speaks to people the same message at the same time. The last night that I was home for Thanksgiving Break, I was lying in bed, and as is my usual routine, I was thinking and praying over my day. I have a really hard time getting to sleep most nights. It’s like the wheels in my mind realize it’s bedtime and crank into a higher gear. So, I lay in bed almost every night just thinking- which never ends well for me. My mind has a tendency to wander into all sorts of places it has no business going, mainly by processing and analyzing people’s intentions in my day. “When she said this to me… I wonder if she really meant something else…” I find myself chasing rabbits down trails I never meant to walk through. SO, in effort to remedy my problem of the wandering mind, I try to speak truth out loud over my day. This is a new strategy for me, but it’s working beautifully. No Megan, you are worried about this, but your God is big. Your God is not surprised by anything. He has planned the days of your life right down to the very hour, and he has GOOD in mind for you. Boom, I instantly feel better. Really, overactive thinkers out there- you should try it.
So, back to my point. I was lying in bed and I felt like the Lord was speaking to me one word. FORGIVE. I honestly had no idea what this was about. Forgive? I’m not mad at anyone…
I thought about the times in my life that I had the most freedom and felt the closest to the Lord, and I realized they all had some key factor in common. In every instance, I had chosen to forgive someone over something that was eating me up inside. It was stealing my thoughts and dominating me. Often, it was something extremely stupid that I, for whatever reason, was holding onto. Perhaps so that I would have an excuse to feel bitter? Or maybe so that I would have someone else to blame for my attitude or insecurities. Maybe remembering other people’s flaws made me subconsciously feel better about myself. Either way, I realized one thing.
The only person I am hurting by not forgiving is ME.
I wonder, if I had forgiven sooner, would I have experienced the joy months ago? In my lame attempts to “show them!” I had really just chained myself to a wall.
The sin of unforgiveness is a monster. He tells you over and over again that your feelings of bitterness are justified, until you start to believe it. You start to feel those thoughts creep up, and you just HAVE to tell somebody what a jerk so-and–so has been to you lately… and when you feel convicted about it, you suppress it by reminding yourself that what she did was REALLY CRUMMY, and WRONG, and she deserves it… and the worst part about unforgiveness is that just when you think you’ve let something go, that person says something that hurts your feelings, and all of a sudden it all comes pouring out again. “Well remember the time you did this!?” or “Well the reason I act that way is because you did this!...Five months ago…” Just thinking about it makes be laugh at my own stupidity.
So I woke up the next morning and walked into the kitchen. My mom was standing there teary-eyed stirring cookie batter. I asked her why she was misty eyed, and she told me that she’d just finished listening to a really good sermon on none other than, you guessed it… Forgiveness. I laughed inside at God’s timing. We talked for a while about it, and all of a sudden I knew- this is what I need to get right TODAY. I thought about every person I had any type of bad memory about, whether a former friend, roommate, or even family member. I realized that as much as unforgiveness chains me, it also chains the people I hold grudges against. Even people I love that I just can’t let that ONE thing go. How can a person ever walk out in LIFE if all I ever do is remind them of the areas in their life that they failed? Why, when I am called to speak LIFE, do I choose to believe and speak death? I can’t imagine how to find the strength to walk forward if all I heard were the times I hadn’t done things right. My heart broke as I realized how much life I had stolen from people through my sin of unforgiveness. My stupid heart wants just something I can hold against someone so that when I make a mistake I can turn the tables- I can have them under my thumb. It kind of makes me sick to think about. Why did I waste so much time dwelling on flaws when I could have been telling those people just how much I loved them, and how much I valued their friendships and calling out their giftings instead of airing out their dirty laundry?
And the truth is, if I claim to love Jesus, I cannot keep walking in this sin. How can I claim to love a God who’s most beautiful and wonderful quality is his ability to forgive me, and NEVER bring it up again? Do I have an excuse just because it gets hard?
Sometimes forgiving people is hard work. You may give and give all that you have, and get walked all over time and time again. Someone may say something REALLY hurtful that takes your heart captive for weeks. You may even have suffered for years watching people in your family mistreat each other. Maybe you’ve watched your family hold grudges against each other, never forgiving, only running. You may forgive a person a hundred times and offer your arms wide open for them in love, but then it gets hard when they begin to take advantage of your forgiveness. So, when that happens, they deserve it, right? Wrong. The bible tells us the number of times we are to forgive a person. When asked, Jesus replied “seventy times seven.” That’s an awful lot of times to forgive someone. And notice, there is no conditional statement on that. He didn’t say “seventy times seven, IF they say they’re sorry.” He forgives all without condition.
I can assure you, he has forgiven me something more like “8 billion times 7 million.” And yet, it’s not his holding my flaws over my head that makes me love him. It’s not him screaming “You didn’t spend time with me this morning Megan, so you better seriously do better tomorrow.” Or “yeah, the reason I didn’t bless you was because YOU made me look bad today!” No, that is not how my Jesus works. The bible says it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s his grace that never fails that makes me love him. It’s the way he speaks gently that makes me want to talk to him more and more. And I wonder when constantly forgiving me will finally be too much for him to handle- and the answer is never.
Dominating that sin is nothing more than a choice. Just like loving someone is a choice. Just like choosing to listen to life giving talk and music instead of death is a choice. Drawing near to God is not some mystical thing, it’s a choice. If you’re waiting for God to speak to you through a bush or a billboard, or even a warm fuzzy feeling, why should you assume he would, when he has given you his words on paper and they are sitting inside a dusty bible on your nightstand? I find that renewing my heart and my mind is nothing more than choosing to believe truth, to listen to truth, and to have faith that God is who he says he is, and he will never change. He will forgive me just as well when I’m 80 as he did today. Because he never changes, and yet I pray with all my heart he changes me. Today, choose forgiveness with me. Choose life, and break the chains.
So, back to my point. I was lying in bed and I felt like the Lord was speaking to me one word. FORGIVE. I honestly had no idea what this was about. Forgive? I’m not mad at anyone…
I thought about the times in my life that I had the most freedom and felt the closest to the Lord, and I realized they all had some key factor in common. In every instance, I had chosen to forgive someone over something that was eating me up inside. It was stealing my thoughts and dominating me. Often, it was something extremely stupid that I, for whatever reason, was holding onto. Perhaps so that I would have an excuse to feel bitter? Or maybe so that I would have someone else to blame for my attitude or insecurities. Maybe remembering other people’s flaws made me subconsciously feel better about myself. Either way, I realized one thing.
The only person I am hurting by not forgiving is ME.
I wonder, if I had forgiven sooner, would I have experienced the joy months ago? In my lame attempts to “show them!” I had really just chained myself to a wall.
The sin of unforgiveness is a monster. He tells you over and over again that your feelings of bitterness are justified, until you start to believe it. You start to feel those thoughts creep up, and you just HAVE to tell somebody what a jerk so-and–so has been to you lately… and when you feel convicted about it, you suppress it by reminding yourself that what she did was REALLY CRUMMY, and WRONG, and she deserves it… and the worst part about unforgiveness is that just when you think you’ve let something go, that person says something that hurts your feelings, and all of a sudden it all comes pouring out again. “Well remember the time you did this!?” or “Well the reason I act that way is because you did this!...Five months ago…” Just thinking about it makes be laugh at my own stupidity.
So I woke up the next morning and walked into the kitchen. My mom was standing there teary-eyed stirring cookie batter. I asked her why she was misty eyed, and she told me that she’d just finished listening to a really good sermon on none other than, you guessed it… Forgiveness. I laughed inside at God’s timing. We talked for a while about it, and all of a sudden I knew- this is what I need to get right TODAY. I thought about every person I had any type of bad memory about, whether a former friend, roommate, or even family member. I realized that as much as unforgiveness chains me, it also chains the people I hold grudges against. Even people I love that I just can’t let that ONE thing go. How can a person ever walk out in LIFE if all I ever do is remind them of the areas in their life that they failed? Why, when I am called to speak LIFE, do I choose to believe and speak death? I can’t imagine how to find the strength to walk forward if all I heard were the times I hadn’t done things right. My heart broke as I realized how much life I had stolen from people through my sin of unforgiveness. My stupid heart wants just something I can hold against someone so that when I make a mistake I can turn the tables- I can have them under my thumb. It kind of makes me sick to think about. Why did I waste so much time dwelling on flaws when I could have been telling those people just how much I loved them, and how much I valued their friendships and calling out their giftings instead of airing out their dirty laundry?
And the truth is, if I claim to love Jesus, I cannot keep walking in this sin. How can I claim to love a God who’s most beautiful and wonderful quality is his ability to forgive me, and NEVER bring it up again? Do I have an excuse just because it gets hard?
Sometimes forgiving people is hard work. You may give and give all that you have, and get walked all over time and time again. Someone may say something REALLY hurtful that takes your heart captive for weeks. You may even have suffered for years watching people in your family mistreat each other. Maybe you’ve watched your family hold grudges against each other, never forgiving, only running. You may forgive a person a hundred times and offer your arms wide open for them in love, but then it gets hard when they begin to take advantage of your forgiveness. So, when that happens, they deserve it, right? Wrong. The bible tells us the number of times we are to forgive a person. When asked, Jesus replied “seventy times seven.” That’s an awful lot of times to forgive someone. And notice, there is no conditional statement on that. He didn’t say “seventy times seven, IF they say they’re sorry.” He forgives all without condition.
I can assure you, he has forgiven me something more like “8 billion times 7 million.” And yet, it’s not his holding my flaws over my head that makes me love him. It’s not him screaming “You didn’t spend time with me this morning Megan, so you better seriously do better tomorrow.” Or “yeah, the reason I didn’t bless you was because YOU made me look bad today!” No, that is not how my Jesus works. The bible says it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s his grace that never fails that makes me love him. It’s the way he speaks gently that makes me want to talk to him more and more. And I wonder when constantly forgiving me will finally be too much for him to handle- and the answer is never.
Dominating that sin is nothing more than a choice. Just like loving someone is a choice. Just like choosing to listen to life giving talk and music instead of death is a choice. Drawing near to God is not some mystical thing, it’s a choice. If you’re waiting for God to speak to you through a bush or a billboard, or even a warm fuzzy feeling, why should you assume he would, when he has given you his words on paper and they are sitting inside a dusty bible on your nightstand? I find that renewing my heart and my mind is nothing more than choosing to believe truth, to listen to truth, and to have faith that God is who he says he is, and he will never change. He will forgive me just as well when I’m 80 as he did today. Because he never changes, and yet I pray with all my heart he changes me. Today, choose forgiveness with me. Choose life, and break the chains.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thoughts from the Swamplands
On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.
This break has been such a fresh breath. I forget sometimes how great it feels to have time to spend doing the things I really love. Time to cook in the kitchen next to my mom, sit and watch movies, read books I’ve wanted to get around to for a long time- the one’s that don’t cost $150 and have “speech-language pathology” somewhere in the title. It is so much fun to be able to spend time throwing the ball for my dog, eating crawfish, and driving to see my best friend.
I don’t know how to explain the way life is going-except to say that it’s different. Different in a really good way that makes me walk outside in the morning and smile. That sounds really stupid and corny- but really, I think the problem for a while was my lack of awareness. I knew about God, I’d even say I knew God, but when I’d wake up in the morning I would forget to be AWARE of his goodness, AWARE of his grace and mercy in my life, and AWARE of those around me. I am nowhere near becoming all that I want to be- but I can honestly say with God’s grace, my awareness has definitely increased.
I sat down last week and made a long list of the attributes I want to display in my life. These ranged from how I spend my money and how I give my money, to how I prioritize my days and time. I listed qualities I want to have like gentleness and humility. After I finished, I made a list of practical ways I could make that list a reality. Bear in mind the number one way to ever make that list happen is to beg Jesus DAILY for grace to change, and pray every time I can that he will keep shaving off the garbage to make room for the new. I want so much to be the kind of woman that brings glory to my Father, whether in the big things or the little. My desire is to become someone who is concerned not with impressing the people I want to please, but with loving those who may not ever get it. I don’t want anyone to walk through my life and feel invisible.
Of course, as soon as I let my guard down I fail in epic ways. I seriously do not understand how quickly I forget. But I think, by cutting out those things that cause my ridiculous mind to wander to the world, I can make myself more AWARE.
It daily blows my mind how much hope I put in everything but JESUS. How my identity wanders around like a lost puppy. My identity, when rooted in truth, tells me how He knew me before the creation of the world. How he knit me together in my mother’s womb, and numbered the hairs on my head. It tells me that I am Christ’s beloved, created in Him to do good works that he prepared in advance for me to do. It reminds me that there is not a single plan that can succeed without Christ setting it in motion. But when my identity is rooted in other things, my heart believes lies. My heart is like an extremely gullible kid with a terrible memory problem.
Me: “Hey, remember how I am Christ’s workmanship?”
My heart: “Ohhh yeah I think I remember you saying something about that. That’s awesome! Praise the Lord!”
Satan: “You’re not good enough”
My Heart: “Maybe you’re right… it doesn’t seem like the truth but I can’t really remember why…but I guess you’re right, I’m not good enough.”
Me: “But Jesus says I am justified, I am good enough.”
My heart: “Ohh yeah that sounds familiar… have you told me that before?”
I mean seriously, it’s kind of pathetic. COME ON HEART! Get yourself together and stop forgetting!
It’s only through this daily walking with a God who has an unbelievably great memory, and an ideal way of reminding me that I am HIS, that I stand even a remote chance at conquering my number one opponent- MYSELF. It is only through his grace that I’m reminded that although some thoughts in my life are true, they are not worth thinking. What is worth thinking is a thought that spurs me on to love someone else- a thought that empowers me to become better. I become my own worst enemy when I refuse to wrap my mind around the fact that I CANNOT save myself. I cannot change myself. I can maybe change the wrapper that covers me, but I cannot change the inside of the package. In the words of Matt Chandler:
“You cannot sanctify yourself. You were washed. You were sanctified. You were justified. You get to stand before God as holy, blameless, and spotless in his sight. You were justified by the Holy Spirit, who opened up your heart and mind to the weight of the glory of God as seen in Christ, that he knew ALL of your shortcomings and still went to the cross so that you would be unable to walk in pity for yourselves.”
That quote roasted me. I mean, how many times do I mess up and then let my own guilt for messing up keep me from falling at the feet of my savior and learning to trust that he’s already forgiven- that he’s cast my sin as far as the east is from the west and has his arms open wide for redemption. There is no human being that loves like this. Not a single one.
And so, I hope to become something better, by the grace of God someone a little less consumed with garbage. I hope to get in the habit of standing on the solid rock, and not placing my hope in things that are like sandcastles on the beach. I used to build those when I was little, and I would watch as the tide would come in and knock them down a little at a time. Life has it’s way of knocking down all those things we put our hope in. But at the end of the day- Life cannot knock down the solid rock. There will be a day when I am no longer best friends with Ally or Meredith. There will be a day when people won’t introduce me as “Melony’s daughter.” There will come a day when I am no longer a speech pathologist. Those things will all die with me. All of my money will be distributed to someone else. All of my stuff will be sold at some cheap estate sale or hauled to the dump. One day I won’t be able to hear my music anymore, and I won’t always have the abilities I have now. But the one thing that will always be true is that I am a child of the Living God. I am favored in his sight not because of a single thing I did, but because of his unbelievable gift and the Holy Spirit’s uncanny ability to change my wicked heart. Suddenly all of those other things I put my hope in become little sandcastles, and I can laugh as I see them all wash away.
This break has been such a fresh breath. I forget sometimes how great it feels to have time to spend doing the things I really love. Time to cook in the kitchen next to my mom, sit and watch movies, read books I’ve wanted to get around to for a long time- the one’s that don’t cost $150 and have “speech-language pathology” somewhere in the title. It is so much fun to be able to spend time throwing the ball for my dog, eating crawfish, and driving to see my best friend.
I don’t know how to explain the way life is going-except to say that it’s different. Different in a really good way that makes me walk outside in the morning and smile. That sounds really stupid and corny- but really, I think the problem for a while was my lack of awareness. I knew about God, I’d even say I knew God, but when I’d wake up in the morning I would forget to be AWARE of his goodness, AWARE of his grace and mercy in my life, and AWARE of those around me. I am nowhere near becoming all that I want to be- but I can honestly say with God’s grace, my awareness has definitely increased.
I sat down last week and made a long list of the attributes I want to display in my life. These ranged from how I spend my money and how I give my money, to how I prioritize my days and time. I listed qualities I want to have like gentleness and humility. After I finished, I made a list of practical ways I could make that list a reality. Bear in mind the number one way to ever make that list happen is to beg Jesus DAILY for grace to change, and pray every time I can that he will keep shaving off the garbage to make room for the new. I want so much to be the kind of woman that brings glory to my Father, whether in the big things or the little. My desire is to become someone who is concerned not with impressing the people I want to please, but with loving those who may not ever get it. I don’t want anyone to walk through my life and feel invisible.
Of course, as soon as I let my guard down I fail in epic ways. I seriously do not understand how quickly I forget. But I think, by cutting out those things that cause my ridiculous mind to wander to the world, I can make myself more AWARE.
It daily blows my mind how much hope I put in everything but JESUS. How my identity wanders around like a lost puppy. My identity, when rooted in truth, tells me how He knew me before the creation of the world. How he knit me together in my mother’s womb, and numbered the hairs on my head. It tells me that I am Christ’s beloved, created in Him to do good works that he prepared in advance for me to do. It reminds me that there is not a single plan that can succeed without Christ setting it in motion. But when my identity is rooted in other things, my heart believes lies. My heart is like an extremely gullible kid with a terrible memory problem.
Me: “Hey, remember how I am Christ’s workmanship?”
My heart: “Ohhh yeah I think I remember you saying something about that. That’s awesome! Praise the Lord!”
Satan: “You’re not good enough”
My Heart: “Maybe you’re right… it doesn’t seem like the truth but I can’t really remember why…but I guess you’re right, I’m not good enough.”
Me: “But Jesus says I am justified, I am good enough.”
My heart: “Ohh yeah that sounds familiar… have you told me that before?”
I mean seriously, it’s kind of pathetic. COME ON HEART! Get yourself together and stop forgetting!
It’s only through this daily walking with a God who has an unbelievably great memory, and an ideal way of reminding me that I am HIS, that I stand even a remote chance at conquering my number one opponent- MYSELF. It is only through his grace that I’m reminded that although some thoughts in my life are true, they are not worth thinking. What is worth thinking is a thought that spurs me on to love someone else- a thought that empowers me to become better. I become my own worst enemy when I refuse to wrap my mind around the fact that I CANNOT save myself. I cannot change myself. I can maybe change the wrapper that covers me, but I cannot change the inside of the package. In the words of Matt Chandler:
“You cannot sanctify yourself. You were washed. You were sanctified. You were justified. You get to stand before God as holy, blameless, and spotless in his sight. You were justified by the Holy Spirit, who opened up your heart and mind to the weight of the glory of God as seen in Christ, that he knew ALL of your shortcomings and still went to the cross so that you would be unable to walk in pity for yourselves.”
That quote roasted me. I mean, how many times do I mess up and then let my own guilt for messing up keep me from falling at the feet of my savior and learning to trust that he’s already forgiven- that he’s cast my sin as far as the east is from the west and has his arms open wide for redemption. There is no human being that loves like this. Not a single one.
And so, I hope to become something better, by the grace of God someone a little less consumed with garbage. I hope to get in the habit of standing on the solid rock, and not placing my hope in things that are like sandcastles on the beach. I used to build those when I was little, and I would watch as the tide would come in and knock them down a little at a time. Life has it’s way of knocking down all those things we put our hope in. But at the end of the day- Life cannot knock down the solid rock. There will be a day when I am no longer best friends with Ally or Meredith. There will be a day when people won’t introduce me as “Melony’s daughter.” There will come a day when I am no longer a speech pathologist. Those things will all die with me. All of my money will be distributed to someone else. All of my stuff will be sold at some cheap estate sale or hauled to the dump. One day I won’t be able to hear my music anymore, and I won’t always have the abilities I have now. But the one thing that will always be true is that I am a child of the Living God. I am favored in his sight not because of a single thing I did, but because of his unbelievable gift and the Holy Spirit’s uncanny ability to change my wicked heart. Suddenly all of those other things I put my hope in become little sandcastles, and I can laugh as I see them all wash away.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thanksgiving.
Today as I drove home from Dallas dropping a dear friend off, I turned off the music in my car (something I rarely do). I sat in silence as I thought about the past few weeks and the compared them to weeks two, even three years ago. I just sat there and reflected on how different my life looks, and how even though God has moved mountains in my life, my struggles still look quite the same. I think, as a girl, I was born with the same struggles that nearly every girl faces- and in every season of my life, although they may wear a different coat, they are the same sneaky burglars who steal my joy. The beauty, however, in this hour of reflection, was in this- that although my struggles are the same, my response to them and my way out of them has slowly become different. And in that, I found a small and subtle victory. Although every day I have to wake up and bind those thieves, my ropes are getting a little bit thicker, and those seeking to devour me tend to have a little more trouble wriggling their way out of them to prey upon me the next day. I became completely filled with just absolute thankfulness on the drive home. Thankfulness for the friends that buy plane tickets to come visit me for the weekend, for the family that I can never stop laughing around, for the life that I get to wake up and breathe to every morning. Thankfulness that a Holy and blameless God could love my absolute train wreck and want good things for my life and the life of my family. Thankful that I haven't had to experience devastation that some families have had to walk through. But overall, thankfulness that even if I do eventually have to experience something devastating, that I never have to face it alone.
If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.
Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.
The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?
A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?
Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.
How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?
If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.
Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.
The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?
A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?
Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.
How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?
Monday, November 15, 2010
He's Not a Safe Lion...
I'm never sure how exactly to begin a blog post. Do I start with the ever-cliche but always thought provoking quote? Or do I try to think of my own profound way of summing up what this blog post is going to be about? I think that's the real problem-because if I tried to sum up what my blogs were about in my opening sentence, it would look something like this:
"This is going to be an unbelievably erratic and completely disorganized jumble of my ridiculous thoughts, and I'm not really sure how long it will be because I usually just write until I feel like stopping." So yeah, hang on for dear life if you want- welcome to my crazy mind. =)
Lately God has been taking me on a real journey. I can't say that it's been fun- but it's been so, so good. It reminds me of the quote in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asks Mr. Beaver if Aslan the lion (representing Jesus) is safe, to which he replies, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good." God doesn't promise our safety, or our happiness- but he promises GOOD for our lives. Knowing that every trial that we have seen is only one sent to make us realize our need and the rescuing qualities of our savior.
"Our Lord in his infinite wisdom and superabundant love sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith that now supports you if the trial of your faith had not put you through the fire."
I LOVE the God who loves me enough to send trials. I can't say that I enjoy them the way I enjoy laying on the beach during spring break. I can't say they are blissful- but I can say they are GOOD. And they are making me into someone better than the crummy, controlling, insecure person that I am without them.
He loves me too much to leave me in my waste. OH PRAISE HIM for this!
This semester I have really struggled with knowing if grad school is what I am supposed to be doing. I think it's because I didn't see grad school as a source of joy in my life- and I know that when I am in God's will I should be experiencing joy. I find joy in so many other ways- and it made me wonder if I wasn't just supposed to move away and do missions and be able to be open with other people about Jesus. Then, like a slap in the face, God spoke. He made me realize that I have such a mission field here, at the clinic with my clients and with my friends. He showed me that if I can't be a missionary in my workplace, I have no business trying to be a missionary anywhere else. It's easy to go to another country where you don't know anyone, where children are happy to see you and the people need you, where they don't have any expectations of you, and they don't know your junk and your struggles. It's easy to have all the answers then. But what about in your workplace, where everyone around you has maybe seen you on a really bad day? What about around kids who aren't so happy to see you? What about with people you feel the need to impress? It's not so easy then.
I have found that it's all about my mindset, and clearing and preparing my mind for something new every day. My Jesus is just waiting for me with arms full of opportunities to show him to others, and it's up to me whether or not I'm going to miss those opportunities or not. This weekend at church, the pastor said something that really hit me. He said, "Gifted people who don't use their gifts for Godliness bring praise to themselves and their gifts. But Godly people who use their gifts bring praise and attention to their God." In other words- if I'm using my gifts humbly, and for the Lord, people should look at me and see JESUS. If I'm using my gifts to bring attention to myself and to get others to see how gifted I am, then yeah, maybe people will see my gifts- but they'll miss Jesus. They will see me, and not him. I don't want people to see me- I want them to see Jesus.
When I go to work I want people to ask, "Does this therapist work for a hospital or for God? Does she spend her day in work or worship? Does she make money or a difference? Every morning she climbs in the boat Jesus loaned her. The two of them row out into the water and cast nets." ---(from Max Lucado)
How can we make our work be worshipful? How can I use my gifts to help people around me- to show them Jesus? How can I make a difference in more than just someone's speech therapy? How can I be in love with people, and not their perfections? How can I learn that loving relationship is more important than anything else?
I love than in all these thoughts, Jesus is just revealing the surface of his depths. I could learn about him, taste his goodness forever, and it would only be a drop in the bucket. I could try with all my heart to be worthy to earn what he has freely given me in his salvation, but I would come up pitifully short. I can't fathom his goodness. I can't believe he would never give up on me. No matter how annoying I can get, no matter how much I complain, or how needy I am- he never walks out. I can spit in his face, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. And yet, as he wraps me up in his arms, he sends things into my life to mess everything up. He destroys my dreams that aren't rooted in him. And sometimes, all I can see is the destruction. But the beautiful truth is that he sees the finish line. He knows exactly what I need in order to bring him the most glory and me the most joy, and he loves me enough to not let me rest in the mediocre. He sends the storms, but he drives the boat that makes it through them. He may not be safe, he is not just a nice guy. He is not afraid to step on my toes, and he doesn't care about my comfort. But he is GOOD. He is righteous. He is faithful. And where people will let me down, he never will. Where I will fail, he will pick up the pieces and make it better than it was before.
Never in my life have I felt so loved by such a big God, and yet so unworthy of it. That is the beauty of real love.
"My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." -John 10:29
"This is going to be an unbelievably erratic and completely disorganized jumble of my ridiculous thoughts, and I'm not really sure how long it will be because I usually just write until I feel like stopping." So yeah, hang on for dear life if you want- welcome to my crazy mind. =)
Lately God has been taking me on a real journey. I can't say that it's been fun- but it's been so, so good. It reminds me of the quote in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asks Mr. Beaver if Aslan the lion (representing Jesus) is safe, to which he replies, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good." God doesn't promise our safety, or our happiness- but he promises GOOD for our lives. Knowing that every trial that we have seen is only one sent to make us realize our need and the rescuing qualities of our savior.
"Our Lord in his infinite wisdom and superabundant love sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith that now supports you if the trial of your faith had not put you through the fire."
I LOVE the God who loves me enough to send trials. I can't say that I enjoy them the way I enjoy laying on the beach during spring break. I can't say they are blissful- but I can say they are GOOD. And they are making me into someone better than the crummy, controlling, insecure person that I am without them.
He loves me too much to leave me in my waste. OH PRAISE HIM for this!
This semester I have really struggled with knowing if grad school is what I am supposed to be doing. I think it's because I didn't see grad school as a source of joy in my life- and I know that when I am in God's will I should be experiencing joy. I find joy in so many other ways- and it made me wonder if I wasn't just supposed to move away and do missions and be able to be open with other people about Jesus. Then, like a slap in the face, God spoke. He made me realize that I have such a mission field here, at the clinic with my clients and with my friends. He showed me that if I can't be a missionary in my workplace, I have no business trying to be a missionary anywhere else. It's easy to go to another country where you don't know anyone, where children are happy to see you and the people need you, where they don't have any expectations of you, and they don't know your junk and your struggles. It's easy to have all the answers then. But what about in your workplace, where everyone around you has maybe seen you on a really bad day? What about around kids who aren't so happy to see you? What about with people you feel the need to impress? It's not so easy then.
I have found that it's all about my mindset, and clearing and preparing my mind for something new every day. My Jesus is just waiting for me with arms full of opportunities to show him to others, and it's up to me whether or not I'm going to miss those opportunities or not. This weekend at church, the pastor said something that really hit me. He said, "Gifted people who don't use their gifts for Godliness bring praise to themselves and their gifts. But Godly people who use their gifts bring praise and attention to their God." In other words- if I'm using my gifts humbly, and for the Lord, people should look at me and see JESUS. If I'm using my gifts to bring attention to myself and to get others to see how gifted I am, then yeah, maybe people will see my gifts- but they'll miss Jesus. They will see me, and not him. I don't want people to see me- I want them to see Jesus.
When I go to work I want people to ask, "Does this therapist work for a hospital or for God? Does she spend her day in work or worship? Does she make money or a difference? Every morning she climbs in the boat Jesus loaned her. The two of them row out into the water and cast nets." ---(from Max Lucado)
How can we make our work be worshipful? How can I use my gifts to help people around me- to show them Jesus? How can I make a difference in more than just someone's speech therapy? How can I be in love with people, and not their perfections? How can I learn that loving relationship is more important than anything else?
I love than in all these thoughts, Jesus is just revealing the surface of his depths. I could learn about him, taste his goodness forever, and it would only be a drop in the bucket. I could try with all my heart to be worthy to earn what he has freely given me in his salvation, but I would come up pitifully short. I can't fathom his goodness. I can't believe he would never give up on me. No matter how annoying I can get, no matter how much I complain, or how needy I am- he never walks out. I can spit in his face, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. And yet, as he wraps me up in his arms, he sends things into my life to mess everything up. He destroys my dreams that aren't rooted in him. And sometimes, all I can see is the destruction. But the beautiful truth is that he sees the finish line. He knows exactly what I need in order to bring him the most glory and me the most joy, and he loves me enough to not let me rest in the mediocre. He sends the storms, but he drives the boat that makes it through them. He may not be safe, he is not just a nice guy. He is not afraid to step on my toes, and he doesn't care about my comfort. But he is GOOD. He is righteous. He is faithful. And where people will let me down, he never will. Where I will fail, he will pick up the pieces and make it better than it was before.
Never in my life have I felt so loved by such a big God, and yet so unworthy of it. That is the beauty of real love.
"My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." -John 10:29
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tales of a Third Semester (WHAAAAAT?!)
Holy smokes. This week- this past 6 months have been such a blur. I am so amazed because I still feel like, despite the ridiculous amount of work, I went to sleep yesterday the day before grad school and woke up today an almost THIRD semester. I can't even begin to describe this ridiculous journey that God has put me on except to say that NO ONE can understand unless you have either been a grad student in the Speech Pathology program at Baylor, or are currently in it with me. There are not enough words to describe or explain how hard everyone has worked this past 6 months, nor are there adequate words to express the feelings I have for the girls I love SO much in my program. I have to admit that when I started grad school, I looked around thinking I had absolutely NOTHING in common with some of these people. We now laugh about how our first impressions went as I sit at dinner with some of my closest friends and some of the most legit women I have EVER met.
I have worked part-time since I was like, 14 years old, and I have worked with people of all different types. But nowhere have I been pressed and beaten down like grad school, and NOWHERE have I found a group of people to pour encouragement out of their nearly empty wells. I legitimately am SO impressed. I go to school with some of the most servant hearted, hard working women of God on this planet. Girls who have pulled out their prayer journals on a day when I was stressed out and shown me MY NAME written in their prayers. I am so sorry, but people who ACTUALLY pray when they say they will pray for you are hard to come by. I have never been so humbled, so challenged, so encouraged, and so loved as I have been in the past 6 months.
For me now, everything looks a little different. I'm looking around and seeing these girls who are leaving the program for their internships and wondering, "when will I see you again?"... that is just NOT okay. If you would have asked me before grad school if I thought I would become this attached to these girls, I would have laughed. But I am. I am so sad to see them moving along and our pathetic little speech path building will just not be the same without them lighting up the hallways. I have learned so much from those girls- more I think than I have learned in the classroom. I have learned about what matters. I have been mutually encouraged- I am SO BLESSED to have known them, and hopefully to keep in touch with them! I thought I was a hard worker until I met girls who have TWO CHILDREN and families and still are going through grad school. They wake up, take their kids to school, go to school, have clients, do all the same work and projects that I do, work as Grad Assistants to help pay for school, and then get off, pick up their kids, spend the evenings with them, put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night preparing and working for the next day, waking up and doing it all again.
This is a crazy season of life for me- and I can't explain how much I hate it and love it at the same time. I love how God is using it. I LOVE how he is humbling me and I love that I can seriously do nothing without him. I have learned so much from my clients too. I have seen true joy on the faces of clients who can't communicate at all- just joy because they get to spend an hour around people who they know love them enough to spend that hour helping them out. I have seen 65 year old couples enter the doors together, with the husband wheeling in his wife to therapy. He sits next to her as she does her best to communicate, and encourages her. He tells her how proud he is of her. He looks us all in the eye and tells him that Jesus Christ is the only thing that matters in marriage. And I believe him. He looks at that woman like she is 18 on prom night and loves her- and I can only hope and pray that I meet a man who loves me like that. I think I'm going to make my fiance in the future go to marriage counseling with that man. I only hope that I could love someone that well too. I have seen little boys' faces light up because all of a sudden they did something they thought they could never do. Nothing- I mean NOTHING- replaces that feeling of hearing that little one say, "look teacher! I did it!"
My heart has been opened up to places that I never thought existed. I have cried with girls- literally sobbed from exhaustion in groups of four other sobbing girls, only to end up dying laughing because we realize how pathetic we all are. I have cracked speech path pun after speech path pun- YES, I am officially that nerdy. I have gone to dinners with people I used to think were weird- and I've found that they are seriously some of the greatest people I know. I've learned that people will surprise you.
I think for a long time I spent my days bogged down. I was so consumed with myself and what I was trying to accomplish and what problems were happening. But being in this program, although it has been the toughest thing I've ever done, has brought back this crazy fire and love for PEOPLE. I LOVE people. I love hearing about things I never would have thought up on my own, and realizing that we are all out on this crazy journey together- not to judge but to learn something beautiful from one another. I suddenly realize that where I thought I was always struggling to catch up with everyone else, that really we are all dealing with the same things. Really, we are all insecure. Really, we all want to be loved. And honestly, if we were all really honest- we are searching for a purpose in what we spend our days doing. I have learned to treat every day like a new chance. I have realized that even the small things we do matter. Small things with great love and more powerful than huge things sometimes. It's about being faithful in those small things, and suddenly waking up and realizing how much you've been given has grown.
I am so excited for this next season...
I have worked part-time since I was like, 14 years old, and I have worked with people of all different types. But nowhere have I been pressed and beaten down like grad school, and NOWHERE have I found a group of people to pour encouragement out of their nearly empty wells. I legitimately am SO impressed. I go to school with some of the most servant hearted, hard working women of God on this planet. Girls who have pulled out their prayer journals on a day when I was stressed out and shown me MY NAME written in their prayers. I am so sorry, but people who ACTUALLY pray when they say they will pray for you are hard to come by. I have never been so humbled, so challenged, so encouraged, and so loved as I have been in the past 6 months.
For me now, everything looks a little different. I'm looking around and seeing these girls who are leaving the program for their internships and wondering, "when will I see you again?"... that is just NOT okay. If you would have asked me before grad school if I thought I would become this attached to these girls, I would have laughed. But I am. I am so sad to see them moving along and our pathetic little speech path building will just not be the same without them lighting up the hallways. I have learned so much from those girls- more I think than I have learned in the classroom. I have learned about what matters. I have been mutually encouraged- I am SO BLESSED to have known them, and hopefully to keep in touch with them! I thought I was a hard worker until I met girls who have TWO CHILDREN and families and still are going through grad school. They wake up, take their kids to school, go to school, have clients, do all the same work and projects that I do, work as Grad Assistants to help pay for school, and then get off, pick up their kids, spend the evenings with them, put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night preparing and working for the next day, waking up and doing it all again.
This is a crazy season of life for me- and I can't explain how much I hate it and love it at the same time. I love how God is using it. I LOVE how he is humbling me and I love that I can seriously do nothing without him. I have learned so much from my clients too. I have seen true joy on the faces of clients who can't communicate at all- just joy because they get to spend an hour around people who they know love them enough to spend that hour helping them out. I have seen 65 year old couples enter the doors together, with the husband wheeling in his wife to therapy. He sits next to her as she does her best to communicate, and encourages her. He tells her how proud he is of her. He looks us all in the eye and tells him that Jesus Christ is the only thing that matters in marriage. And I believe him. He looks at that woman like she is 18 on prom night and loves her- and I can only hope and pray that I meet a man who loves me like that. I think I'm going to make my fiance in the future go to marriage counseling with that man. I only hope that I could love someone that well too. I have seen little boys' faces light up because all of a sudden they did something they thought they could never do. Nothing- I mean NOTHING- replaces that feeling of hearing that little one say, "look teacher! I did it!"
My heart has been opened up to places that I never thought existed. I have cried with girls- literally sobbed from exhaustion in groups of four other sobbing girls, only to end up dying laughing because we realize how pathetic we all are. I have cracked speech path pun after speech path pun- YES, I am officially that nerdy. I have gone to dinners with people I used to think were weird- and I've found that they are seriously some of the greatest people I know. I've learned that people will surprise you.
I think for a long time I spent my days bogged down. I was so consumed with myself and what I was trying to accomplish and what problems were happening. But being in this program, although it has been the toughest thing I've ever done, has brought back this crazy fire and love for PEOPLE. I LOVE people. I love hearing about things I never would have thought up on my own, and realizing that we are all out on this crazy journey together- not to judge but to learn something beautiful from one another. I suddenly realize that where I thought I was always struggling to catch up with everyone else, that really we are all dealing with the same things. Really, we are all insecure. Really, we all want to be loved. And honestly, if we were all really honest- we are searching for a purpose in what we spend our days doing. I have learned to treat every day like a new chance. I have realized that even the small things we do matter. Small things with great love and more powerful than huge things sometimes. It's about being faithful in those small things, and suddenly waking up and realizing how much you've been given has grown.
I am so excited for this next season...
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