Fiona

My 8 hour work day consists of battling the pains of old age with ladies and gentlemen who wish they could do more than their bodies allow. I’m sitting at a meal with Gladys, and she tells me all she wants to do is eat a big juicy steak, although her teeth (or lack thereof) won’t quite allow for anything more than ground-up hamburger meat. Then there’s Jake, a patient I see sometimes at a different facility, who can’t quite remember who I am, although I spend an hour a day reminding him.

The funny thing about Jake is that even though he can’t remember my name or the names of his kids, he tells me vivid depictions of his college baseball games and “that time he score a touchdown in the last 30 seconds of the game at the state championship.” He can tell me every single thing he did for fun when he was a child, and let me tell you, every single day, I can’t get away from him without his face lighting up, and a smile stretching across his face as he tells me about the time he met Jesus.

I think each of us have defining moments in our life that stick out and never quite leave us. Moments we cling to when our little world seems to be turned on end. I think, in His mercy, God allows us to hold on to those memories, like Jake clings tightly to his, even when our hair grays and the rest of our sense drifts away. I can definitely pinpoint a few of those moments in my life. One of which I shared with a few people recently. I was asked to write it down and share it, so I’ll get right to it.

Most of my life up until the summer of 2010 was spent trying to figure out why in the world I existed on this planet. I had been told my whole life that if I worked hard enough I could get into a good school and open up doors of opportunity for my life. I spent most of college chasing everything under the sun to satisfy this absolute abyss of longing in my heart…I wanted to be loved deeply, to have a great love. I wanted a man to tell me I was beautiful and that I was HIS. I wanted that feeling of walking into a room and people knowing we were together, for a man to be proud to call me his girlfriend, fiancé, and eventually wife.

Because this was a deep desire of my heart (and don’t get me wrong, I think God places desires in our heart for a reason), I searched for love like that, and came up with a lot of good tries and a lot of big failures. My insecurities drove people I loved away from me, because I expected more out of them than they should ever provide for me. I knew that God was supposed to come first, I really did. I had been told that my whole life… but God was no fun and he definitely was not going to sit next to me while I watched a movie, or take me on a date. I was not happy with God. I saw Him as this thing I owed penance to every morning before I could go do what I wanted to do with my day. I always felt guilty that I never spent enough time with Him, because I never quite got around to it.

I spent 4 years of college and quite a few months afterward doing my darndest to hold onto a relationship that had become a huge idol in my life. At the end of the day, it was the truth that this relationship and this boy’s opinion of me mattered to me far more than God’s. I was lost, and thoroughly disgusted with myself. I turned into someone I hated, and to this day cannot believe that I was. Even in that, God was gracious to me to provide friends who spoke truth into my heart time and time again. Without them, there is truly no-telling where I’d be.

I remember starting graduate school in May of 2010, and my life was sudden and complete chaos. I was losing hair by the handfuls and acne had decided to declare war against my face. I mean seriously, it was ROUGH. In the midst of all of that, I was slowly dealing with the fact that my idol of a relationship was reaching its bitter end. At some point that summer, I found out he was dating someone else. It was HARD, but I felt like a weight was lifted off my heart. Not because he was a bad person, but because I felt like I could finally move forward.

I remember spending the months between that and September just diving in head first into God’s word. I would leave class and walk the Bear Trail with a Matt Chandler podcast in my ears, and just walk for hours listening to as many as I could. I didn’t feel like I had to, I just NEEDED TO. I wanted it. I needed it like food. I woke up craving Jesus and his consistency like I needed air. Because of the intense nearness I felt to Jesus during that time, I would NEVER trade the pain I felt which lead me there. It is true that he is so near in our heartbreaks. He is so rich in healing! I think he always is, but that we only take the time to listen once we’re stripped of other things we hold so dear. I would not have made it through those months of school and pain without Him. He was wholly GOOD to me. And then, in September, I went to visit one of my best friends in Colorado where she was doing a discipleship training school with YWAM (youth with a mission).

The craziest thing that I’ve learned about God is that there is no mistake to His timing. If you woke up today, it’s because He has a word he wants you to hear or some divine purpose your life must fulfill for another. If you visit a friend in Colorado at a DTS program, it’s probably because that will be the ONE week that the most fantastic woman of God will be speaking. And that’s exactly what happened.

Here I am, broken. I am completely confused about how to satisfy my life, and wondering what in the heck is wrong with me that I am not close to marriage by the end of college (yes, I was southern brainwashed). In walks this beautiful 60-something-year-old ball of joy with a British accent named Fiona. Now, let me set the stage for you. Fiona is from England, and has spent her life traveling the world telling people about the Love of Jesus. She has taught at many a discipleship program, speaking event, bible study, etc. She has had cancer, survived it, and kept on trucking. And, strangest of all to my little southern mind, she has never been married.

Hearing Fiona tell her story was one of those moments for me that I’ll never forget. When I am in the shoes of my patients, looking into the eyes of my speech therapist, I hope to tell her this story when she asks me for a defining moment of my life.

Fiona tells of all her adventures, her joys and heartbreaks. Then she looks us all in the eyes, and with the most sincere heart, she says the following (as close to verbatim as I can get):

“I’ve never been married. It’s not that I don’t want to be married, I do. I still believe that before I die, I will be married. But I look back at all that God has lead me to do, and I realize that I could never have done those things with a husband to take care of. I have hundreds upon thousands of children whom I keep contact with. Children I have walked through life with. But none of them are my biological children. And if I’d had biological children, I might not have the time or energy for those hundreds of thousands. I could never have traveled at the capacity that I have and told people about the Love of God had I had the responsibility of taking care of a family alongside it. And so, I have learned that if God doesn’t give you a husband or a wife, it’s because he has something far grander for you. Something that will bring you just as much joy, although it may be a different kind. The fact is, that I have never married because I have never met anyone thus far who can keep up with where God is leading me, and if you are not going to lead me to more of God than I can have alone, you will do nothing more than slow me down.”

I have never met a more joyful person than Fiona. She radiated it. It was all around her, like jewelry she wore around her neck. This blew my mind. Happiness and joy without a husband? Without kids? For 60 years?

It really got me thinking. I found myself asking a question to my own heart. A question I still ask myself every now and again to keep my heart in check. I come back to this question time and time again, really trying to soak it in.

If Jesus alone was all I had in this world, would that be enough?

When I finally was able to answer yes to that question, I understood the meaning of freedom. Freedom from people pleasing, routine, traditions, expectations, and being like everyone else. There are many days that I forget this truth and God re-directs me back to it. I have to remember this the way I remember my address or my phone number. But, when I believe with all my heart that He is enough to satisfy me, I take my shackles off and laugh in His goodness, not bound to any earthly thing that will not be here tomorrow.

You see, what I realized in September of 2010 is that I will not always be someone’s wife. I could marry tomorrow and my husband could die the next morning. I will not always be someone’s mom. I will not always necessarily be a homeowner. My home could burn down. My money won’t always be there. But I will ALWAYS be a child of the Most High God. I will always be the remnant of His redeemed. Never can Satan or anything else snatch me from the palm of His hand. Nothing can separate me from Him. I am loved fully by a God who fully knows the wickedness of my heart, and gave His life for me when I was at my most wicked place.

And so, if you are waiting, don’t wait. DO SOMETHING.

If you are single, use your freedom to chase Jesus and His dreams. If you’re married, deepen your reliance on Jesus more than you rely on your spouse. Mentor somebody. Give your time. Get to know your next-door neighbor. Build relationships. Donate money. Serve in your church. Lead a bible study. Start a non-profit. Learn to hear his voice speak to you.

But don’t wait to find that at the end of what you most desire is merely an imperfect man when RIGHT NOW you have the infinite God at your fingertips. Perhaps you will find, as my friend Fiona found after 60 years, and as my friend Jake still remembers even when everything else seems blurry…that fullness of joy can be found in many different avenues in life if our heart is fixed on Him.

This One's for the Girls

It’s easy to feel insecure about who you are when you’re alone. Heck, if you’re anything like me, it’s easy even when you’re not alone. I struggle daily with the need to hear from other people about who I am. It’s easy to doubt myself when I’m existing in a daily routine where my impact is seemingly very small, and altogether pretty unnoticed, especially because inside my heart exist dreams of immense proportion and fears of never reaching them. Why is it that this overall theme of insecurity is such a rampant disease among women-and men too for that matter? It’s like that movie “Outbreak” with the infected monkeys that go around biting everyone… and I’ll be the first to admit that most of us have been bitten. Okay, let’s get real- the other day I cried for pretty much no reason because I felt so crippled from fear that I would eventually be unwanted, enough to not be able to enjoy the present! Fear that my life would look like so many others’ lives, full of rejection or cheating. I sat there thinking, “WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?” Good Lord, am I going insane? And don’t you dare ask me if it was just “that time of the month,” or I’ll punch you square in the mouth. Get real. Men face it too, it just looks different. Something has to be done about this.

As I was walking today listening to music and thinking about life in general, I realized that my insecurities were not just a matter of self-doubt, but also God-doubt. A lack of faith, better put. When I believe lies that tell me that I’m not good enough, I also am choosing to ignore who God already says that I am. I forget that he chose to love me in my own filth and nasty state, and says he will never leave me. I choose to believe that he is a liar. Boom. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d love to tell myself that I trust God. I’d LOVE to act like I have that trust thing in the bag, but let’s get real, it’s work. It’s hard. I’d much rather just hear it from someone who I can actually see!

I can’t even tell you how many friends I have with the same story. Friends who have given up everything for a relationship with someone who never loved them. Friends who would do just about anything for the person they’ve always dreamed of to come along and change their world and show them that they’re worth something. Friends who work out 3 hours a day because they fear if they don’t, their boyfriend will lose interest and move on to the next best thing. For some reason, we think that the men in our lives would love to hear all about our struggles, when, in reality, no man wants to bear the responsibility of determining our worth. It’s overwhelming. Yet, instead of fighting against it, we have settled for the realization that our worth and overall interest is comparable to that of a new video game…really cool at first, but then after you know all the cheat codes and the secret tunnels, well, when will the next one come out? Am I the only one who dreams of more than that?

While we are sitting around being insecure, abundant life is passing us by. We tell ourselves that if we only had this or that, we would be content and secure, but oh how we are wholly deceived. Our culture lies to us the most. The “If you’re not happy with what you have, go out and find something better” mentality. After a while our hearts believe that our happiness takes precedence to our holiness. Our need for being loved takes priority to our call to BE LOVE. We wake up one day and realize that our whole life is centered around our own personal happiness, and we wonder why no one wants to listen to what we have to say. What a scam.
What’s even worse than the insecurity, is the idea of pretending it doesn’t exist. There is this laughable act we put on to pretend like nothing bothers us. The “I don’t really care” attitude. We make for ourselves a little glass box and sit in it, hoping that we can still make an impact on others while keeping ourselves safe and closed off from harm. And yet, it’s a constant catch-22… Do I let my guard down and put my heart on the line in an attempt to show love to other people at the risk of being hurt? Or do I protect my heart and never really, fully, love anyone? Is there a middle ground? Can we learn to love, but love with a smart heart? Or do we have to keep walking around either being emotional basket-cases or acting as though our heart and emotions are hard as stone?

What about that issue of being a people-pleaser? There are even times when I truly feel that the Lord has put something on my heart, but I don’t share it because I fear what people will say. Will they understand my heart behind it? Will they just make fun of me? Will they think I’m just some closed minded Bible beater? When will I ever learn that I am not trying to please men, but God? And so commences this blog-one born out of a desire to try to figure out my own heart. Is it possible to beat this monster of insecurity and self-doubt? I am willing to bet that the women who have beaten it didn’t do so without a fight.

Now, I don’t know much about this issue, but I do know a couple things, and that is that 1. God is always faithful, always good, and always love. Even when God is just and fair, it’s out of a heart of love. 2. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Every lie about who I am (and who I am not) comes from him. Every time the world tells me I’m not good enough, God tells me that yes, I’m NOT good enough-BUT He is, and He is inside of me.

The anti-venom to this problem is not a reliance on self, but a reliance on God, and a constant and daily fueling up on truth. It’s not a self-help book telling us how awesome we are. It’s not a motivational speaker or a to do list for freedom. It’s truth. How can we wage war on lies without a weapon of truth? If we don’t know what God’s truth is about our worth, how can we ever dismiss the lies that tell us our value is based on our actions and the actions of those around us? I’ll admit, it’s much easier to listen to the opinions of someone with tangible hugs and audible words. And if you’re like me, you’re probably often frustrated with the constant circle of taking 5 steps forward, only to take 3 steps back. But I ask you this- even though it’s not 5 steps, isn’t 2 steps still progress?

I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and she made an awesome point. She said she was always raised that you do certain things and avoid other things so that the person that you marry will value that about you, but that the more she got to know Jesus, the more she realized the holes in that logic. She asked herself, “But what if I never get married? Then I have done all these things for my future husband?” Does that, then, make all of those things meaningless? The reality is, it’s not about what you do, but why you do it, and whom you’re doing it for. Why do we act holy? To impress other people? Or to draw closer to the God who is always more holy than we can be? Why do we avoid sin? Is it because we are judgmental or is it because we want to?

The beauty of knowing Jesus is that I’m not the same person this week as I was last week. Even when I stumble through those 5 forward steps just to run back 3… I know He delights in my small and straining forward motion. I know that in order to accomplish much for him, I have to learn to be faithful in the small things-the seemingly insignificant. I’m learning every day more and more that I am literally incapable of loving anyone on this earth without realizing how loved I am by God. I can’t be there for anyone if I doubt that God is capable to use even me. Lord knows I will never understand His heart. Lord knows I’ll have quite a few more train wrecks before I make it to my final stopping point.

So, I find, at the end of the day, the way for me to combat the lies of insecurity is to stock up on the truth that is the word of God. Truth that says that every hair on my head is numbered. Truth that tells me that the God of the universe knit me together in my mother’s womb, and that his plans for me are ones of hope and future. Truth that says that although the world may cause trouble and doubt, that I can take heart! He has already overcome the world. =)

Growing Where I'm Planted.

It’s been way too long since I’ve blogged… and I feel like every time I blog that’s the opening line. So, admittedly I am not very good at a task requiring me to sit still for longer than about 15 minutes, but here goes nothin!

I don’t have anything clever to write about, mainly because my life as of late has consisted of waking up, treking to the hospital for internship, coming home, working out and/or sitting on my lazy butt and relaxing, and then going to bed at the truly senior citizen worthy hour of about 10:00. I have realized that the real world post-college is nowhere near as exciting as late night Whataburger runs after two-stepping for hours with friends, spending nights in friends’ living rooms huddled around and listening to really good guitar players, or making random 1am road trips to the Branch Davidian compound. I drove past Baylor last weekend on my way home, and I couldn’t help but laugh at so many good times with so many of my favorite people who are now scattered all over the US working through the monotony that is real-life jobs right along with me. How in the world did I get the blessing of going to such an amazing college with such legit people? I’ll never know.

I have to say, though, that being the nomad and overall adventure seeker that I am, (once again, I get bored easily) I am really loving life right now in a place that I never thought in a million years I would live. I have never been afraid of being off on my own-truth be told I need “me” time to be able to function…but this season of life has had its moments of glory and moments of loneliness. Going from a city full of my best friends to now a city where I know only ONE friend (shout out, Camille!!) has been slightly strange, but really, really good. I feel like this is a period where the Lord is teaching me a lot about how to be grateful for the place that I am in while I’m there- to grow where I’m planted so to speak. I know, without a doubt, that there is a specific reason why I am here for these few months, and I know that the Lord knows exactly where he will plant my life next.

It feels weird, and I’ll admit, HARD to realize that I am not in control of the next step of my life. I often need a reminder that that’s a GOOD thing. I think I often forget how much bigger my Lord’s perspective is than my own, and how insanely good he is even when there is not a decent place in my own heart. He brought me here to San Antonio to learn Speech Pathology from one of the best SLP’s in the state of Texas, and he will put me in a phenomenal job where I can grow even more and hopefully help people in such a way that I am using every gift I have for his glory. He provided a beautiful home for me to live and a wonderful family to live with here. He has blessed my family with good health, and given me the most wonderful blessing in a man to walk with me (albeit from 300 miles away) through this season and teach me at the same time how flawed and selfish I can be. I am grateful for family and for a boyfriend who never let me stay the same, but constantly challenge me to be the best person I can be. I can't even explain how thankful I am for people who push me closer to the God that I love, and remind me of my need for him. God is good. He has been so faithful.

If you know me at all and have walked through grad school life with me, you know that there have been so many times when I felt like quitting. IE: CAMP SUCCESS (see: “If hell had a name it would be Neill Morris Hall blog post if you need to catch up) Anyways, I can honestly say now that in spite of how hard the past year and a half has been, I am so unbelievably thankful to have the job that I have. I can honestly say that I have found something that I love to wake up for, and would love to do even if I made no money doing it. There is nothing in this world that beats the look on a person’s face, after they have been through hell and back with a stroke or brain injury, and you tell them that they can finally eat again. There is nothing that beats seeing that moment where a dad writes “I love you” on a notepad to his little girl who hasn’t been able to communicate with him in weeks. I love getting to be there to give love and hope to people as their family is going through one of the toughest times they’ll ever face. There is bittersweet beauty watching couples that have been married for 50+ years support each other and love each other to the end. I hope with all my heart that the love between me and my husband grows more every year like theirs. I am truly more blessed by the people I work with than they could ever bless me, and I thank God every day for my internship and the new perspective and thankfulness that it brings.

Today I was working in the NICU with the TEEEENY TINY babies, and I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Nothing makes you in awe of God’s intricate detail like seeing a baby the size of your hand with every tiny finger and toe moving. It’s like looking at a living, breathing, Barbie doll. I was literally just staring like a little kid. There was this baby in the corner crying in this open air crib, and my supervisor informed me that she was crying because she was having withdrawals from being addicted to heroine. Her mother apparently admitted to using heroine during the pregnancy and THE DAY she was born. Now, on one hand I really wanted to hunt down the mom and scream at her, (just being honest) but on the other hand, it offered me so much perspective. I am so blessed, and there are so many people who go through so much pain, even pain that they don’t have any control over. This poor sweet baby didn’t get to choose her mom. It’s humbling that so often I feel like I don’t deserve to go through tough times, and yet I haven’t even begun to see tough times.

Sometimes I wonder, when I’m having an ungrateful moment or a complaint-filled day, why the Lord even puts up with me. It still blows my mind every time I think about his unconditional, faithful love that knows no limits. I wonder how he could possibly shake his head for the 8 millionth time at me and still love me because he knows that his perfect son’s blood and grace covers every ounce of my most royal screw ups. And if I know this and really believe it, there is no circumstance that can shake my joy. There is no pain that can steal it. He is goodness and life, and nothing else on this earth will satisfy my soul and heart but Him. =)

Letters

Dear Baylor:
Thank you for five and a half awesome years. I can’t complain about much, except for the ridiculous attendance policy. Knock that sucker out and you’ll be the most perfect university in the world. Oh, and maybe do better at football?

Dear Oakley:
Please, for the love of GOD, stop shedding in my house.

Dear COMPS:
I hope your bruises are healing nicely from that time that all the third semesters beat the ever loving crap out of you. I’ll admit, you were a tough one to take out, but in the end- you got what was coming to you.

Dear man who broke into my car:
You are a moron. You broke into my car, are probably homeless, and didn’t even think to grab the $40 Eno hammock. This is why you have to break into cars for a living, genius.

Dear moving boxes:
Stop staring at me with your beady little eyes. I will not pack yet!

Dear ICEE company:
Thank you for your sweet, sweet nectar.

Dear finals:
Please, be gentle.

Dear May:
Please explain to me why you think it’s acceptable to be 40 degrees outside right now. Were you waiting for the opportune moment? Like, the exact three days after I packed up everything in my closet with long sleeves? Thanks, May… you really are a trickster, someone should change it to May Fool’s Day in your honor. Now cut the crap before I have to unpack my hoodies.

Dear Kate Middleton:
Thank you for wearing the most beautiful wedding dress I’ve ever seen, and also for crushing my hopes of ever being remotely as gorgeous as you on my wedding day. I personally think you make a great Duchess.

Dear Benjamin:
Please come home. I realize that you’re probably scared and hiding under something, maybe inside a shrub or tree… but if you could kindly just fly on back to the Fairfield Oaks, we sure would love to meet you in person. Something about hearing of your adventures through twitter updates just isn’t satisfactory enough. I promise not to make you into an English-themed hat.

Dear Texas:
You know, I realize that the coolest thing about you is that you could probably secede from the United States at any given whim and become your own nation, and I also realize that you are my second home, BUT if you don’t lower the freaking pollen count here in about 24 hours, I am personally “fixin” to Mess With Texas. Just yesterday I think I threw out my back sneezing. 23 year olds don’t throw out their backs- but oh yes, you made it happen. It’s unacceptable. Fix it.

Dear Bon Jovi:
I will be in attendance at your concert May 17th in Houston, and will gladly accept any offers of back-stage passes, meet and greets, sleepovers, etc. I’ll be the girl crying in section 119 when you sing “Always,” because I truly believe you are singing that to me. I just want you to know that I have been eating Ramen noodles for the past three weeks just to save money for this trip. Dearest Jon, I’d live and I’d die for you, steal the sun from the sky for you, words can say what love can do… I’ll be there for you.

Dear Shreveport:
Please give me a job. You won’t regret it, promise.

Dear Ann Taylor Loft:
I’m sorry, you won’t be seeing me as much anymore. I hate to sever our ties, but I will VERY HAPPILY hopefully be wearing scrubs to work for the rest of my life, and will no longer need to buy your $70 cardigans. Thanks though, it’s been real.

Dear Colorado:
Please snow uncontrollably for the next three months for the sole reason of pissing Ally Rice off enough that she moves back to Texas sooner.

Dear Ally:
Please get tired of Colorado. And while you’re at it, bring my family back with you. The cat shirts, P3s, and I are waiting patiently for your arrival.

Dear Osama:
Although I know it is not Christian-like to celebrate in a person’s death, I am quite satisfied in the fact that you are no longer around to send creepy videos and organize terrorism.

Dear Chuck Norris:
Glad to have you back from Pakistan. Sidenote: “MERICA!

Dear Sonic:
Thank you for your ice. That is all.

Dear Kanakuk:
Thanks for providing me with the opportunity to meet awesome people like Ally Rice, Nika Spaulding, Betty Atwell, and my approximately 40 campers that I am obsessed with stalking on facebook even though they probably don't know that. Not to mention the realization that I can actually survive in 120 degree temperatures at 100% humidity with no air conditioning for a month.

Dear Waco:
Thank you for uncontrollable breakouts due to your terrible water. Thank you for your crime rate. Most of all, thank you for all the Branch Davidian jokes I have gracefully accepted since my arrival here five and a half years ago. You’re a gem of a city, and surprisingly enough, I really am going to miss you. Actually, I’m mostly going to miss the H-E-B majal in Hewitt and 3 spoons fro-yo. Oh, and the occasional Bush’s chicken. Nom nom nom.

Dear Shreveport Regional Airport:
Please lower your prices for airfare from Shreveport to San Antonio from May 30th to August 4th. Thanks.

Dear Meredith Smith:
Do you realize that we are about to live in different cities for the first time in our entire lives? This is not okay…

Dear A.D.D.:
Please subside long enough for me to at least studying a tiny bit for my finals. You have so far already distracted me into writing this blog, and now, thanks to you I am already distracted from blogging and trying to figure out how to wrap this up to head on to something else. God bless, I cannot sit still!!!

Dear abs ball and 10lb weights:
Thank you for waiting so patiently to be used… all year.

Dear Lady Gaga:
I watched your interview with Ellen, and am only more convinced that you are the weirdest person alive.

Dear Ellen:
Be my gay best friend?

Dear Jesus:
Thanks for dying for us and then raising from the dead to reclaim your title of most awesome person/God in both the known and unknown universe. You rock, and I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't be writing this blog without you, so thanks again for letting me wake up today.

Dear Bachelorette:
Please start soon so that I can enjoy watching “the most dramatic season in Bachelor/Bachelorette history” yet again. I haven't had anything to make fun of for months, and this mounting sarcasm needs an outlet.

Dear Dr. Ritter:
FIVE powerpoints on this final?? SERIOUSLY? I've gotta stop blogging and start studying now.

Dear readers:
Thank you for reading this blog.

Megan

Ode to Comps and Praxis

Dear COMPS and PRAXIS,

I would like to take this moment, as I am breaking from my 7-hour studying marathon, to express my sincere hatred for every fiber of your being- that is, every fiber of the paper that you are printed on.

I want to personally thank you for sending me into the frazzled state of stressed and pissed-offness that I have existed in for the past 3 months. You really are a gem. Thank you for consuming my thoughts, making me spontaneously tear up at the mere mention of your name, and most of all- thank you for causing my hair to fall out and my face to look like my pores are participating in a jail break.

As though the grad school program isn’t stressful enough, let’s just top it off with a horrifying comprehensive exam over the past 5 years of your life. Makes me really kick myself for all those years of undergrad that I trained myself to sleep through Audiology and Speech Science with my eyes open. And as for you, iPhone, thanks a heap for offering me enthralling games to play, like spider solitaire, during every class. Damn you, addictive personality. Damn you, A.D.D.

On another note, I literally, I think my face has declared mutiny against me. I have tried everything from Mary Kay to Cetaphil, facial scrubs, amber bar… all powerless in the battle of fighting the stress hormones that are being released into my system on a daily basis. So now, I must accept the fact that for yet another month, I will be the acne-faced 17 year old girl with patchy hair loss, posting up in Panera and chowing down on Everything Bagels.

However, I must cease my complaints long enough to list the positive things about COMPS.

1. I get to have a COMPS buddy. AKA incredible person responsible for pampering me with fatty foods that I do not need, but LOVE, during the week leading up to COMPS. My buddy, whomever she may be, is freaking phenomenal. I have thus far gotten one of the most top-notch CD’s ever made (I actually am convinced that she hijacked my iTunes and stalked my music preferences) not to mention two cokes (my arch nemesis/drug addiction) a WHOLE PACKAGE of Reese’s eggs which is the second greatest thing about Easter (The first being Jesus, DUH, I’m no heathen), a bunch of miniature Reese’s, a 3 Spoons Frozen Yogurt Gift card (which elevated her to the status of most badass COMPS buddy alive), multiple cards, and Japanese Cherry Blossom perfume, body lotion, and bath soap. God bless you COMPS buddy. You really are the shiz.

2. Every year, the day before COMPS, we have a comps lunch, catered by the underclassmen. It’s SOOOOO much fun, and those girls put so much work into it. Free food, good laughs, and the big reveal of our COMPS buddies, to which we owe our partial sanity.

Unfortunately, those are the only two positive things I can say about COMPS and Praxis. Some would say the real positive thing about it is the opportunity to learn more about our field, become better clinicians, BLAH BLAH BLAH. You people who say that are nuts, and I honestly don’t trust you with any life decisions that affect me if you say that out loud. I think you might have gone a little crazy in the head through this process. Yes, being excellent clinicians is our goal, but no one likes studying. Let’s just call it what it is, deal?

Aside from all this, dearest COMPS and Praxis, I must inform you that I thoroughly plan on smoking the crap out of you. Put up all the fight you like, but I am going to dominate you, kick you in the man parts, and send you back to the fiery abyss of hell that you came from. I sincerely expect you to hit me with your best shot, to which I must reply, “Fire Away.”

So, Third Semesters, this post is dedicated to you, and if you weren’t studying like it was your job, I bet you’d actually read it. Keep it up, we’re ALMOST DONE!!!

5 Things

My blogging creativity has been lacking in major ways lately. Maybe it’s due to the fact that all my excess brain-power has been spent on cramming as much information as I can about speech pathology into my brain before dreaded COMPS and PRAXIS… either way- I am going to unashamedly steal the clever ideas of the one, the ONLY, ALLY RICE! (Ally, I sincerely hope that shout out was enough, and that there will be no lawsuits for copyright infringement)

5 Things that I Like:

1. Crawfish, Queso, and ICEEs (Although not necessarily at the same time)
2. My guitar, which is yet to be named.
3. 3 Spoons Frozen Yogurt. I’m honestly not sure how I got by in life without it at this point, but if I were a cat, Sugar Free Double Stuffed Cookies and Cream and White Cake Batter swirl fro-yo would be my cat-nip.
4. The ocean. If I could live near the ocean for the rest of my life, I’m 98% positive that I would never get sick of it. And even if I did, I could just vacation to visit Ally and my sister and brother in the frozen tundra state of Colorado, and then remember why I live at the beach in the warmth- and why it’s 1,000 times better than frostbite and runny noses.
5. Jon Bon Jovi and his gorgeous 50-year-old self. I sincerely hope my future husband is okay with the risk that if Bon Jovi ever asked me to marry him, I would very sinfully divorce my husband and spend happily ever after listening to Jon play “I’ll be there for you” to me in the dark…

5 Things that I Don’t Like:

1. Being cold
2. The fact that my best friend and family live in the coldest state in America (see above)
3. When people misuse “your” and “you’re.” Seriously people, go back to 2nd grade please. Actually, change this one to include grammatical errors in general.
4. The fact that, no matter WHERE I am, my iPhone incessantly drops every single phone call I ever make. It’s always in the middle of the best part of either my story, or my friend’s story. Like, “Oh my gosh, you will not believe what he said after that…” BEEP BEEP BEEP. Call Failed. Spins me into a new dimension of pissed off EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
5. Losing sports games. I can’t even really go into detail about this one without getting my blood pressure up- but trust me, it ain’t pretty.

5 Things that Make Me Laugh:

1. Being tickled. However, I must note that this is not the, “ohhh I love this, it’s so funny” kind of laughter. It’s more like the, “I swear to God when I catch my breath again I will secretly plot your slow and tortuous death” kind.
2. Mullets- especially in Branson, MO.
3. Really traumatic and vague facebook statuses. For example, “What you did was so wrong, and now my heart feels like it has shattered all over the floor.” Okay, excuse me- was this directed at all of us? Because I’m reading this, and yet I don’t recall ever mistreating you, so could you please pick your heart up off the floor and clarify? Or, “So-and-So is just wishing he would love me like he should have all along.” Okay, I hate to be the one to tell you this, sister, but he’s probably not loving you because you are an insecure nutcase. In fact, your status just solidified that- and he’s reading it thinking, PRAISE GOD I ESCAPED! I laugh with you, at you, and for you.
4. YouTube videos from my witty friends. Top notch, every time. Favorite of the week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6lBopUbtqY&feature=related
5. Modern Family. Enough said. If you haven’t seen it, shame on you. Go HULU it immediately. You can thank me later.

5 Things that Make Me Cry:

1. Cheesy videos like the one of the Olympic runner who tears out his knee in the final race, and his dad comes down out of the stands and helps him to the finish line. Whew, I just teared up thinking about it.
2. When someone around me is crying. No one can cry in my presence without me joining them.
3. Letters from my nieces or nephews. Gets me every time
4. Saying goodbye to people- only it's always after the fact. They always leave thinking "oh wow, Megan really doesn't care at all that I'm leaving," and then ten minutes later I have a nervous breakdown in the car alone. It's awkward. Dang you, poorly timed emotions.
5. The movies Old Yeller, Where the Red Fern Grows, and Steel Magnolias. Like, who’s idea was it to make these movies? Poor demented souls. Can we just turn this off and watch Wedding Crashers already?

5 People I Respect:

1. Shemar Moore
2. John Mayer. I don’t care if you’re a socially awkward guy who always says the culturally inappropriate things at all the wrong moments- you are a talented dude, and your lyrics ROCK.
3. Ally Rice- because she came up with good blog ideas, managed to find a baller job with NO experience, snowboards every weekend, and still manages to find time to call me like EVERY day. You da bomb.
4. Professional Chefs. I don’t care which one- the mere fact that you went to school in order to make the act of getting fat more delicious makes me love you.
5. A.W. Tozer

5 People I Don’t Respect:

1. Brad Womack. Seriously dude, the fact that you, and every other Bachelor in history, are telling ten different women at once that you think you’re falling in love with them is wack. I bet I could fall in love with Mickey Mouse if we got to spend two weeks in Anguilla rappelling down waterfalls and frolicking on our own personal island. I'm not sure who is more funny to watch- you, or the women who love you one day, and then expect you to be their personal therapist the next. However, I LOVE making fun of all of you, so please don’t stop. Thanks.
2. Obama. Homeboy is not my fav
3. Men with tiny dogs. If I see a man walking a dog any smaller than a beagle, I automatically judge him. I don’t care if it’s your girlfriend’s dog and you are kindly walking Foofie for her… that just makes you double whipped. Buy a black lab, a rifle, and a six pack of beer, and regain your testosterone.
4. Lady Gaga
5. People who drive under the speed limit in the fast lane. Don’t even get me started. There is not a single thing that makes me want to ram my car into the back of the person in front of me more than a stupid driver going glacier-pace on the interstate. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.

5 Things I Enjoy Doing:

1. Walking the Bear Trail while podcasting Matt Chandler with Oakley
2. Singing American Idol style (only nowhere near the talent level) in my car on my way anywhere. I have almost convinced myself that I’m actually good. NOPE.
3. Being outside playing sports that include soccer, throwing the football, flag football, ultimate Frisbee, baseball, tennis, basketball, or swimming. Actually, I should broaden that to competitive activities in general. Although don’t beat me, or you’ll quickly make it onto the bad list. (see above)
4. Reading in a hammock, outside, on a 70-80 degree day. There is NOTHING better, except maybe falling asleep in said hammock.
5. Going to live sporting events or concerts. I can’t decide which of those I like more, but either way- you can’t go wrong.

5 Things I Don’t Enjoy Doing:

1. Working out- I have a love/hate relationship with this activity.
2. Studying
3. Sitting in class- I can barely keep my ADD in check long enough to write a blog- sitting in class is like my tenth circle of hell.
4. Laundry. Where do all my socks go?
5. Affirmation circles at Kanakuk. Talk about forced awkwardness. I never understood this concept- and honestly, most of the time I just let my camper sleep through it. No one wants to make someone say something nice about them. But good try, A-Rob.

5 Things that I am Excited About:

1. Bon Jovi concert with Kenneth May 17th WOOOOOOOOO
2. Spring BREEAAAAAAAK
3. End of the semester- May 2011. PRAISE THE GOOD LORD.
4. Graduation- August 13th!!!!!
5. Warrior Dash

5 Things that I am Not Excited About:

1. Finding a big-girl job
2. Waking up at 5:30 tomorrow morning
3. COMPS and PRAXIS
4. The day I have to move far away from 3 Spoons Frozen Yogurt.
5. The day that Shemar Moore gets old and is no longer attractive. (I don’t see this happening though)

A Father's Heart

When I was probably about 8 years old, I remember getting my favorite Christmas present. My dad surprised me with it around September, because he was never very good at holding out on a secret. I came home from school to find a beanie baby sitting on my bed with a note. As I read the note, I began a scavenger hunt around my house, each point marked with a different beanie baby, (Lord knows I had about 1,000 of those stupid things that are now packed in my attic in three huge tubs) and a note to give the clue to find the next. After about six beanie baby notes, I came upon the seventh, which was a stuffed frog that was so cleverly hidden in my bathtub. The note told me to go outside, around the corner of the house by where our pool pump house was. At this point, I just assumed I would be getting yet another beanie baby, so I hurried outside SO excited to see what the next animal would be. But, as I rounded the corner, my eyes widened, heart stopped, and there it was—my very own motorized scooter. I’m pretty sure I was more excited to get that scooter than I was at 16 getting my first real car. I was EXSTATIC. I spent the next year at least racing that sucker around the front lawn, down one side of the ditch and ramping up the other, flying around trees, and making my own race course through the grass. I was unstoppable.

To understand why this was so cool to me, you have to first understand that, as a child, I was the world’s biggest tomboy. I spent my playground days racing the boys, and beating them at pull-ups during our PE fitness tests. At recess, I was the pink Power Ranger who ran around with the boys, karate chopping trees that we pretended were the bad guys. The week before my fifth grade play, Peter Pan, I got a black eye because I was pitching while playing baseball with the boys and got the ball hit back into my eye at warp speed. I had to put concealer on my eyes in the play to hide the bruises, so as not to portray Wendy as the girl who was abused by Peter Pan. Bottom line, I was not interested in pretty dresses, fluffy bows, or flirting with the boys. So, when my dad surprised me with my go-ped… it would have been like a normal girl getting surprised with a My Size Barbie coupled with her life-size Barbie dream car. But me? Nope. I had a need for speed that the dream car just couldn’t provide. Fast-forward to now, 15 years later. My sweet daddy still gives me great stuff, but I’m pretty sure nothing will ever quite compare to that scooter.
Now to my point. Today I was reading in Luke, and something stuck with me:

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” – Luke 11:9-13

This made me think about my own father, and how he would have given his left arm to make sure that I was taken care of, happy, and provided for. I never went hungry growing up, and I never had to worry about not having clothes to wear. On top of just providing the necessities, my dad also provided me with things “just because,” like my scooter. I didn’t do anything to earn that, he just wanted to see me smiling and having fun! If I asked my dad for something, he inevitably was going to give it to me, and probably a little more. Why? It’s simple. Because I was his little girl, and he wanted the best things for my life.

These verses say even bigger things about Jesus-that we should be open and honest with him about what we need, from the smallest desires of our heart to our biggest practical needs. Who has a desire for something powerful to happen in his heart? He should ask God. Who has a need? Ask God. The fact that, so often, as people who follow Jesus, our prayer lives do not mirror our hearts to know Christ is really sad. I am guilty of this too. I know how to get to know him, but I forget sometimes the importance of talking to him. When I say that out loud it sounds really stupid haha.

What is beautiful about Him is that he is not my dad. He is not anyone’s earthly dad. See, everyone’s earthly dads are human, evil in their very core apart from Christ. As sinners, we are all lost without grace. It brings a whole new worth to these verses when you remember that even a human, innately evil father desires to give the best to his children when they ask him for it. How much more can a perfect father give?

I think often, when I am asked to trust God, I find it difficult because I have a skewed mentality of who he is. Tozer put it this way:

“What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us. ... Worship is pure or base as the worshiper entertains high or low thoughts of God. For this reason the gravest question before the Church is always God Himself, and the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.”

I feel like if I could really grasp that not only does God love me, but that he desires ONLY GOOD for my life, it would be easier to trust him in moments where I feel like he is emptying the goodness from my life. To me, it might feel like he is stripping everything I know and love out of my life, when in reality, he is clearing room for more of Himself-knowing that HE is the only thing that can bring me true happiness. He takes situations that look like disasters to us, and orchestrates something beautiful that we never saw coming.

And we, being stupid, don’t realize just how many of our prayers God answers, because we forget what we pray for almost as soon as it leaves our lips. Matt Chandler said it perfectly, “We are like children on Christmas morning that get tons of presents, and then pout because we didn’t get the pony.” We gripe about the ONE unanswered prayer and forget the hundreds that were answered. Or, we attribute his goodness to the things around us that are visible. We praise the gifts, the creation, the technology, the medicine- and we forget to praise the One who created it all. Why give glory to the table, when you can get to know the carpenter? And if we truly learn to trust him, not only will he surprise us with what he loves to give to his children, but I think he will also keep us from a lot of pain.

Back to my scooter story for a minute…
Before dad would let me ride the scooter, he told me the conditions. He pulled out a shiny helmet and a set of elbow and knee pads, and informed me that I needed to wear them to protect myself when I rode. I rolled my eyes, being that I was eight and knew everything, and put them on begrudgingly. However, after riding the scooter around like Evel Knievel for about two weeks, it started getting annoying to have to put on all of my protective gear. I figured, since I had a lot of experience, I was practically a pro. I didn’t need all that gear, right? I had never wrecked before, why worry about the hassle? DAY ONE of no protective gear happened, and I felt indestructible. That is, until I decided to ramp off the driveway and onto the neighbors’ driveway which was about a two feet drop from ours. In that one extremely stupid moment, I flew through the air- midway through realizing that I was NOT going to land well. My tires hit hard on the pavement, and I wiped out bigtime, sliding down my neighbors’ driveway as my scooter flew into the grass. My first reaction was to see if my dad was looking, and then… the pain came. I looked down and realized my elbow was bleeding, and, being the wimp that I am, I broke out into hysteria. (Excuse me, but WHY did I have to scrape my ELBOW of all things? I mean, could I not have scraped something that wouldn’t have been protected had I worn the gear my dad had bought for me? Geez)

I ran into the house, and my dad took me in his arms. He sat me up on the kitchen counter and started pouring alcohol on my open wound (payback). I of course screamed bloody murder as he told me that it would only hurt for a minute and would clean all the germs out of my cut. I thought at first he was only doing it to torture me, but since he was right about the elbow pads I decided to trust him. Turns out dad isn’t such a dummy after all.

Now, you would think I would have learned after that experience to listen to warnings. You would assume that I would look down at the disgusting scar on my right elbow and think twice the next time I wanted to do things my own way. Buuuuuuut, of course, I am the most stubborn human being known to mankind, and 15 years later, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to “see for myself” at my own expense. So many times I thought I knew better than God. I thought I was indestructible. I ignored his voice when he told me to run away, to protect my heart, or to trust that what looked hopeless was really the best way. Instead, I try to trick him into believing that my way would actually be better. Haha, I’m an idiot. It’s laughable.

Yet, at the end of the day, I’m an idiot with a God who, thankfully, is nothing like me. Luckily, I don’t have to be perfect for my Father to delight in me. All I have to do is ask, seek, and knock, and trust that God does not desire my perfection- but instead he desires endless, reckless pursuit. Pursuit that says to Him, “I cannot rest until I know the depths of exactly who you are.” Pursuit that is honest about my fears, my desires, my lack of control, the ugliness in my heart, and my annoying secret sins that, LET’S BE HONEST, are not secret to him anyways. That’s a little freaky to think about, but honestly, extremely freeing. Stop hiding from God. Share with him your fears. Share your insecurities. There is no better person to tell these things to than the God who holds every key to victory over fears, insecurities, sin, and death. Share them with the God who delights in giving good gifts to his children. Trust that he wants only the best and most wonderful things for your life. Those wonderful things may lead you away from something you think is vital to your happiness, but they will never lead you anywhere but closer to the God who IS HIMSELF happiness. And when your life is lead by a God like him, and your decisions are based on his voice and guidance, you will find something worth far more than yourself. Happy searching!

70 x 7

It’s funny how God often speaks to people the same message at the same time. The last night that I was home for Thanksgiving Break, I was lying in bed, and as is my usual routine, I was thinking and praying over my day. I have a really hard time getting to sleep most nights. It’s like the wheels in my mind realize it’s bedtime and crank into a higher gear. So, I lay in bed almost every night just thinking- which never ends well for me. My mind has a tendency to wander into all sorts of places it has no business going, mainly by processing and analyzing people’s intentions in my day. “When she said this to me… I wonder if she really meant something else…” I find myself chasing rabbits down trails I never meant to walk through. SO, in effort to remedy my problem of the wandering mind, I try to speak truth out loud over my day. This is a new strategy for me, but it’s working beautifully. No Megan, you are worried about this, but your God is big. Your God is not surprised by anything. He has planned the days of your life right down to the very hour, and he has GOOD in mind for you. Boom, I instantly feel better. Really, overactive thinkers out there- you should try it.

So, back to my point. I was lying in bed and I felt like the Lord was speaking to me one word. FORGIVE. I honestly had no idea what this was about. Forgive? I’m not mad at anyone…

I thought about the times in my life that I had the most freedom and felt the closest to the Lord, and I realized they all had some key factor in common. In every instance, I had chosen to forgive someone over something that was eating me up inside. It was stealing my thoughts and dominating me. Often, it was something extremely stupid that I, for whatever reason, was holding onto. Perhaps so that I would have an excuse to feel bitter? Or maybe so that I would have someone else to blame for my attitude or insecurities. Maybe remembering other people’s flaws made me subconsciously feel better about myself. Either way, I realized one thing.

The only person I am hurting by not forgiving is ME.

I wonder, if I had forgiven sooner, would I have experienced the joy months ago? In my lame attempts to “show them!” I had really just chained myself to a wall.

The sin of unforgiveness is a monster. He tells you over and over again that your feelings of bitterness are justified, until you start to believe it. You start to feel those thoughts creep up, and you just HAVE to tell somebody what a jerk so-and–so has been to you lately… and when you feel convicted about it, you suppress it by reminding yourself that what she did was REALLY CRUMMY, and WRONG, and she deserves it… and the worst part about unforgiveness is that just when you think you’ve let something go, that person says something that hurts your feelings, and all of a sudden it all comes pouring out again. “Well remember the time you did this!?” or “Well the reason I act that way is because you did this!...Five months ago…” Just thinking about it makes be laugh at my own stupidity.

So I woke up the next morning and walked into the kitchen. My mom was standing there teary-eyed stirring cookie batter. I asked her why she was misty eyed, and she told me that she’d just finished listening to a really good sermon on none other than, you guessed it… Forgiveness. I laughed inside at God’s timing. We talked for a while about it, and all of a sudden I knew- this is what I need to get right TODAY. I thought about every person I had any type of bad memory about, whether a former friend, roommate, or even family member. I realized that as much as unforgiveness chains me, it also chains the people I hold grudges against. Even people I love that I just can’t let that ONE thing go. How can a person ever walk out in LIFE if all I ever do is remind them of the areas in their life that they failed? Why, when I am called to speak LIFE, do I choose to believe and speak death? I can’t imagine how to find the strength to walk forward if all I heard were the times I hadn’t done things right. My heart broke as I realized how much life I had stolen from people through my sin of unforgiveness. My stupid heart wants just something I can hold against someone so that when I make a mistake I can turn the tables- I can have them under my thumb. It kind of makes me sick to think about. Why did I waste so much time dwelling on flaws when I could have been telling those people just how much I loved them, and how much I valued their friendships and calling out their giftings instead of airing out their dirty laundry?

And the truth is, if I claim to love Jesus, I cannot keep walking in this sin. How can I claim to love a God who’s most beautiful and wonderful quality is his ability to forgive me, and NEVER bring it up again? Do I have an excuse just because it gets hard?

Sometimes forgiving people is hard work. You may give and give all that you have, and get walked all over time and time again. Someone may say something REALLY hurtful that takes your heart captive for weeks. You may even have suffered for years watching people in your family mistreat each other. Maybe you’ve watched your family hold grudges against each other, never forgiving, only running. You may forgive a person a hundred times and offer your arms wide open for them in love, but then it gets hard when they begin to take advantage of your forgiveness. So, when that happens, they deserve it, right? Wrong. The bible tells us the number of times we are to forgive a person. When asked, Jesus replied “seventy times seven.” That’s an awful lot of times to forgive someone. And notice, there is no conditional statement on that. He didn’t say “seventy times seven, IF they say they’re sorry.” He forgives all without condition.

I can assure you, he has forgiven me something more like “8 billion times 7 million.” And yet, it’s not his holding my flaws over my head that makes me love him. It’s not him screaming “You didn’t spend time with me this morning Megan, so you better seriously do better tomorrow.” Or “yeah, the reason I didn’t bless you was because YOU made me look bad today!” No, that is not how my Jesus works. The bible says it’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s his grace that never fails that makes me love him. It’s the way he speaks gently that makes me want to talk to him more and more. And I wonder when constantly forgiving me will finally be too much for him to handle- and the answer is never.

Dominating that sin is nothing more than a choice. Just like loving someone is a choice. Just like choosing to listen to life giving talk and music instead of death is a choice. Drawing near to God is not some mystical thing, it’s a choice. If you’re waiting for God to speak to you through a bush or a billboard, or even a warm fuzzy feeling, why should you assume he would, when he has given you his words on paper and they are sitting inside a dusty bible on your nightstand? I find that renewing my heart and my mind is nothing more than choosing to believe truth, to listen to truth, and to have faith that God is who he says he is, and he will never change. He will forgive me just as well when I’m 80 as he did today. Because he never changes, and yet I pray with all my heart he changes me. Today, choose forgiveness with me. Choose life, and break the chains.

Thoughts from the Swamplands

On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand.

This break has been such a fresh breath. I forget sometimes how great it feels to have time to spend doing the things I really love. Time to cook in the kitchen next to my mom, sit and watch movies, read books I’ve wanted to get around to for a long time- the one’s that don’t cost $150 and have “speech-language pathology” somewhere in the title. It is so much fun to be able to spend time throwing the ball for my dog, eating crawfish, and driving to see my best friend.

I don’t know how to explain the way life is going-except to say that it’s different. Different in a really good way that makes me walk outside in the morning and smile. That sounds really stupid and corny- but really, I think the problem for a while was my lack of awareness. I knew about God, I’d even say I knew God, but when I’d wake up in the morning I would forget to be AWARE of his goodness, AWARE of his grace and mercy in my life, and AWARE of those around me. I am nowhere near becoming all that I want to be- but I can honestly say with God’s grace, my awareness has definitely increased.

I sat down last week and made a long list of the attributes I want to display in my life. These ranged from how I spend my money and how I give my money, to how I prioritize my days and time. I listed qualities I want to have like gentleness and humility. After I finished, I made a list of practical ways I could make that list a reality. Bear in mind the number one way to ever make that list happen is to beg Jesus DAILY for grace to change, and pray every time I can that he will keep shaving off the garbage to make room for the new. I want so much to be the kind of woman that brings glory to my Father, whether in the big things or the little. My desire is to become someone who is concerned not with impressing the people I want to please, but with loving those who may not ever get it. I don’t want anyone to walk through my life and feel invisible.

Of course, as soon as I let my guard down I fail in epic ways. I seriously do not understand how quickly I forget. But I think, by cutting out those things that cause my ridiculous mind to wander to the world, I can make myself more AWARE.

It daily blows my mind how much hope I put in everything but JESUS. How my identity wanders around like a lost puppy. My identity, when rooted in truth, tells me how He knew me before the creation of the world. How he knit me together in my mother’s womb, and numbered the hairs on my head. It tells me that I am Christ’s beloved, created in Him to do good works that he prepared in advance for me to do. It reminds me that there is not a single plan that can succeed without Christ setting it in motion. But when my identity is rooted in other things, my heart believes lies. My heart is like an extremely gullible kid with a terrible memory problem.

Me: “Hey, remember how I am Christ’s workmanship?”
My heart: “Ohhh yeah I think I remember you saying something about that. That’s awesome! Praise the Lord!”
Satan: “You’re not good enough”
My Heart: “Maybe you’re right… it doesn’t seem like the truth but I can’t really remember why…but I guess you’re right, I’m not good enough.”
Me: “But Jesus says I am justified, I am good enough.”
My heart: “Ohh yeah that sounds familiar… have you told me that before?”

I mean seriously, it’s kind of pathetic. COME ON HEART! Get yourself together and stop forgetting!

It’s only through this daily walking with a God who has an unbelievably great memory, and an ideal way of reminding me that I am HIS, that I stand even a remote chance at conquering my number one opponent- MYSELF. It is only through his grace that I’m reminded that although some thoughts in my life are true, they are not worth thinking. What is worth thinking is a thought that spurs me on to love someone else- a thought that empowers me to become better. I become my own worst enemy when I refuse to wrap my mind around the fact that I CANNOT save myself. I cannot change myself. I can maybe change the wrapper that covers me, but I cannot change the inside of the package. In the words of Matt Chandler:

“You cannot sanctify yourself. You were washed. You were sanctified. You were justified. You get to stand before God as holy, blameless, and spotless in his sight. You were justified by the Holy Spirit, who opened up your heart and mind to the weight of the glory of God as seen in Christ, that he knew ALL of your shortcomings and still went to the cross so that you would be unable to walk in pity for yourselves.”

That quote roasted me. I mean, how many times do I mess up and then let my own guilt for messing up keep me from falling at the feet of my savior and learning to trust that he’s already forgiven- that he’s cast my sin as far as the east is from the west and has his arms open wide for redemption. There is no human being that loves like this. Not a single one.

And so, I hope to become something better, by the grace of God someone a little less consumed with garbage. I hope to get in the habit of standing on the solid rock, and not placing my hope in things that are like sandcastles on the beach. I used to build those when I was little, and I would watch as the tide would come in and knock them down a little at a time. Life has it’s way of knocking down all those things we put our hope in. But at the end of the day- Life cannot knock down the solid rock. There will be a day when I am no longer best friends with Ally or Meredith. There will be a day when people won’t introduce me as “Melony’s daughter.” There will come a day when I am no longer a speech pathologist. Those things will all die with me. All of my money will be distributed to someone else. All of my stuff will be sold at some cheap estate sale or hauled to the dump. One day I won’t be able to hear my music anymore, and I won’t always have the abilities I have now. But the one thing that will always be true is that I am a child of the Living God. I am favored in his sight not because of a single thing I did, but because of his unbelievable gift and the Holy Spirit’s uncanny ability to change my wicked heart. Suddenly all of those other things I put my hope in become little sandcastles, and I can laugh as I see them all wash away.

Thanksgiving.

Today as I drove home from Dallas dropping a dear friend off, I turned off the music in my car (something I rarely do). I sat in silence as I thought about the past few weeks and the compared them to weeks two, even three years ago. I just sat there and reflected on how different my life looks, and how even though God has moved mountains in my life, my struggles still look quite the same. I think, as a girl, I was born with the same struggles that nearly every girl faces- and in every season of my life, although they may wear a different coat, they are the same sneaky burglars who steal my joy. The beauty, however, in this hour of reflection, was in this- that although my struggles are the same, my response to them and my way out of them has slowly become different. And in that, I found a small and subtle victory. Although every day I have to wake up and bind those thieves, my ropes are getting a little bit thicker, and those seeking to devour me tend to have a little more trouble wriggling their way out of them to prey upon me the next day. I became completely filled with just absolute thankfulness on the drive home. Thankfulness for the friends that buy plane tickets to come visit me for the weekend, for the family that I can never stop laughing around, for the life that I get to wake up and breathe to every morning. Thankfulness that a Holy and blameless God could love my absolute train wreck and want good things for my life and the life of my family. Thankful that I haven't had to experience devastation that some families have had to walk through. But overall, thankfulness that even if I do eventually have to experience something devastating, that I never have to face it alone.

If I were to list my three most menacing foes it would be these: FEAR, INSECURITY, and DISCONTENTMENT.

Those three, especially when all working together, present an almost unbreakable hold on not only my attitude some days, but on my effectiveness as a believer, and on my ability to be a friend. Fear tells me that I am not in control, and lies to me to make me believe that God is not big enough to control without my help. Fear tells me that I'm not ever going to reach the goals that I have set, that I'm never going to have the life I've dreamed of having, and that I will never be good enough to be the woman that I want to be. Fear tells me that people will assume certain things about me, or will never love me for who I really am. Insecurity tells me that if I were more THIS or less THAT I would have all those things I fear never getting. Insecurity tells me that I have to settle, that I have to please people. Those two are almost always linked together in their escapades to ruin my days. They tie me up and cripple me to make them my focus. And when I let them win- when I don't be still and seek God's heart for me and his truth in place of their lies- their friend Discontentment shows up at my door with balloons and a cake to celebrate my pity party. All three of them bring to light one thing- ME. When I look at them, I see ME, and no one else. I can't hear their voices and at the same time hear the voices of my friend's needs. All of a sudden all things become about how I look, and not how I make Jesus look.

The epic lie is that I believe that by obtaining the things I want, I will conquer fear and insecurity. "Oh Lord, if I just knew who I was going to marry one day, I wouldn't be so fearful or insecure..." is such a blatant lie. If I had security in that, my foolish heart would only look for something else to be fearful about, something else to want to control. In my weakness, I cannot allow there to be a day that passes by where I don't kill these wicked three. The days that I don't, I become a manipulative, needy complainer. (Attractive, I know) I may have just completely killed all chances at keeping my flaws under wraps- but honestly-what good do flaws do me when kept under wraps?

A precious friend of mine told me something a couple of years ago that really stuck with me. I was a sophomore in college, completely clueless, and she was in my lifegroup at Antioch. I asked her if she had ever made a list of the things she was looking for in a future spouse, and she looked at me and with complete sincerity said, "Oh girl, I don't have time to make a list about what I want. I'm too busy trying to work my way down a loooonnng list of things I want to BE." Although I often don't practice the wisdom in those words, I will never forget them. I think so often I have the mentality that I deserve something wonderful without first being someone wonderful. How can I ever expect anything from anyone if I am not willing to work to be the same kind of blessing to them? How can I have such high expectations if I cannot maintain my own character and my own heart?

Sometimes my heart is quite the mystery. As my friend would say, "an enigma wrapped in a rubix cube, surrounded by chinese instruction." And this, I suppose, is why time spent with my king is so important. Because as I spend time crucifying thieves in my life, fears in my heart, and my selfish desires, I realize just how many more I need to crush. I realize how beautiful is this thing called grace, and how much God wants to bless my heart and life with his presence in every inch of my life and day. I find that what other people think becomes a little less important. And suddenly bondage that has controlled my life for years snaps in half and I breathe in the air that is freedom. Air that fills my lungs and makes me wonder why I ever stayed in bondage so long when God was holding out the key and waiting for me to take it.

How, when my God is so big, and yet loves me in spite of my small mindedness, could every single day not feel more like Thanksgiving?

He's Not a Safe Lion...

I'm never sure how exactly to begin a blog post. Do I start with the ever-cliche but always thought provoking quote? Or do I try to think of my own profound way of summing up what this blog post is going to be about? I think that's the real problem-because if I tried to sum up what my blogs were about in my opening sentence, it would look something like this:

"This is going to be an unbelievably erratic and completely disorganized jumble of my ridiculous thoughts, and I'm not really sure how long it will be because I usually just write until I feel like stopping." So yeah, hang on for dear life if you want- welcome to my crazy mind. =)

Lately God has been taking me on a real journey. I can't say that it's been fun- but it's been so, so good. It reminds me of the quote in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asks Mr. Beaver if Aslan the lion (representing Jesus) is safe, to which he replies, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? Of course he isn't safe. But he's good." God doesn't promise our safety, or our happiness- but he promises GOOD for our lives. Knowing that every trial that we have seen is only one sent to make us realize our need and the rescuing qualities of our savior.

"Our Lord in his infinite wisdom and superabundant love sets such a high value upon His people's faith that He will not protect them from those trials by which faith is strengthened. You would never have possessed the precious faith that now supports you if the trial of your faith had not put you through the fire."

I LOVE the God who loves me enough to send trials. I can't say that I enjoy them the way I enjoy laying on the beach during spring break. I can't say they are blissful- but I can say they are GOOD. And they are making me into someone better than the crummy, controlling, insecure person that I am without them.

He loves me too much to leave me in my waste. OH PRAISE HIM for this!

This semester I have really struggled with knowing if grad school is what I am supposed to be doing. I think it's because I didn't see grad school as a source of joy in my life- and I know that when I am in God's will I should be experiencing joy. I find joy in so many other ways- and it made me wonder if I wasn't just supposed to move away and do missions and be able to be open with other people about Jesus. Then, like a slap in the face, God spoke. He made me realize that I have such a mission field here, at the clinic with my clients and with my friends. He showed me that if I can't be a missionary in my workplace, I have no business trying to be a missionary anywhere else. It's easy to go to another country where you don't know anyone, where children are happy to see you and the people need you, where they don't have any expectations of you, and they don't know your junk and your struggles. It's easy to have all the answers then. But what about in your workplace, where everyone around you has maybe seen you on a really bad day? What about around kids who aren't so happy to see you? What about with people you feel the need to impress? It's not so easy then.

I have found that it's all about my mindset, and clearing and preparing my mind for something new every day. My Jesus is just waiting for me with arms full of opportunities to show him to others, and it's up to me whether or not I'm going to miss those opportunities or not. This weekend at church, the pastor said something that really hit me. He said, "Gifted people who don't use their gifts for Godliness bring praise to themselves and their gifts. But Godly people who use their gifts bring praise and attention to their God." In other words- if I'm using my gifts humbly, and for the Lord, people should look at me and see JESUS. If I'm using my gifts to bring attention to myself and to get others to see how gifted I am, then yeah, maybe people will see my gifts- but they'll miss Jesus. They will see me, and not him. I don't want people to see me- I want them to see Jesus.

When I go to work I want people to ask, "Does this therapist work for a hospital or for God? Does she spend her day in work or worship? Does she make money or a difference? Every morning she climbs in the boat Jesus loaned her. The two of them row out into the water and cast nets." ---(from Max Lucado)

How can we make our work be worshipful? How can I use my gifts to help people around me- to show them Jesus? How can I make a difference in more than just someone's speech therapy? How can I be in love with people, and not their perfections? How can I learn that loving relationship is more important than anything else?

I love than in all these thoughts, Jesus is just revealing the surface of his depths. I could learn about him, taste his goodness forever, and it would only be a drop in the bucket. I could try with all my heart to be worthy to earn what he has freely given me in his salvation, but I would come up pitifully short. I can't fathom his goodness. I can't believe he would never give up on me. No matter how annoying I can get, no matter how much I complain, or how needy I am- he never walks out. I can spit in his face, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. And yet, as he wraps me up in his arms, he sends things into my life to mess everything up. He destroys my dreams that aren't rooted in him. And sometimes, all I can see is the destruction. But the beautiful truth is that he sees the finish line. He knows exactly what I need in order to bring him the most glory and me the most joy, and he loves me enough to not let me rest in the mediocre. He sends the storms, but he drives the boat that makes it through them. He may not be safe, he is not just a nice guy. He is not afraid to step on my toes, and he doesn't care about my comfort. But he is GOOD. He is righteous. He is faithful. And where people will let me down, he never will. Where I will fail, he will pick up the pieces and make it better than it was before.

Never in my life have I felt so loved by such a big God, and yet so unworthy of it. That is the beauty of real love.

"My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand." -John 10:29

Tales of a Third Semester (WHAAAAAT?!)

Holy smokes. This week- this past 6 months have been such a blur. I am so amazed because I still feel like, despite the ridiculous amount of work, I went to sleep yesterday the day before grad school and woke up today an almost THIRD semester. I can't even begin to describe this ridiculous journey that God has put me on except to say that NO ONE can understand unless you have either been a grad student in the Speech Pathology program at Baylor, or are currently in it with me. There are not enough words to describe or explain how hard everyone has worked this past 6 months, nor are there adequate words to express the feelings I have for the girls I love SO much in my program. I have to admit that when I started grad school, I looked around thinking I had absolutely NOTHING in common with some of these people. We now laugh about how our first impressions went as I sit at dinner with some of my closest friends and some of the most legit women I have EVER met.

I have worked part-time since I was like, 14 years old, and I have worked with people of all different types. But nowhere have I been pressed and beaten down like grad school, and NOWHERE have I found a group of people to pour encouragement out of their nearly empty wells. I legitimately am SO impressed. I go to school with some of the most servant hearted, hard working women of God on this planet. Girls who have pulled out their prayer journals on a day when I was stressed out and shown me MY NAME written in their prayers. I am so sorry, but people who ACTUALLY pray when they say they will pray for you are hard to come by. I have never been so humbled, so challenged, so encouraged, and so loved as I have been in the past 6 months.

For me now, everything looks a little different. I'm looking around and seeing these girls who are leaving the program for their internships and wondering, "when will I see you again?"... that is just NOT okay. If you would have asked me before grad school if I thought I would become this attached to these girls, I would have laughed. But I am. I am so sad to see them moving along and our pathetic little speech path building will just not be the same without them lighting up the hallways. I have learned so much from those girls- more I think than I have learned in the classroom. I have learned about what matters. I have been mutually encouraged- I am SO BLESSED to have known them, and hopefully to keep in touch with them! I thought I was a hard worker until I met girls who have TWO CHILDREN and families and still are going through grad school. They wake up, take their kids to school, go to school, have clients, do all the same work and projects that I do, work as Grad Assistants to help pay for school, and then get off, pick up their kids, spend the evenings with them, put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night preparing and working for the next day, waking up and doing it all again.

This is a crazy season of life for me- and I can't explain how much I hate it and love it at the same time. I love how God is using it. I LOVE how he is humbling me and I love that I can seriously do nothing without him. I have learned so much from my clients too. I have seen true joy on the faces of clients who can't communicate at all- just joy because they get to spend an hour around people who they know love them enough to spend that hour helping them out. I have seen 65 year old couples enter the doors together, with the husband wheeling in his wife to therapy. He sits next to her as she does her best to communicate, and encourages her. He tells her how proud he is of her. He looks us all in the eye and tells him that Jesus Christ is the only thing that matters in marriage. And I believe him. He looks at that woman like she is 18 on prom night and loves her- and I can only hope and pray that I meet a man who loves me like that. I think I'm going to make my fiance in the future go to marriage counseling with that man. I only hope that I could love someone that well too. I have seen little boys' faces light up because all of a sudden they did something they thought they could never do. Nothing- I mean NOTHING- replaces that feeling of hearing that little one say, "look teacher! I did it!"

My heart has been opened up to places that I never thought existed. I have cried with girls- literally sobbed from exhaustion in groups of four other sobbing girls, only to end up dying laughing because we realize how pathetic we all are. I have cracked speech path pun after speech path pun- YES, I am officially that nerdy. I have gone to dinners with people I used to think were weird- and I've found that they are seriously some of the greatest people I know. I've learned that people will surprise you.

I think for a long time I spent my days bogged down. I was so consumed with myself and what I was trying to accomplish and what problems were happening. But being in this program, although it has been the toughest thing I've ever done, has brought back this crazy fire and love for PEOPLE. I LOVE people. I love hearing about things I never would have thought up on my own, and realizing that we are all out on this crazy journey together- not to judge but to learn something beautiful from one another. I suddenly realize that where I thought I was always struggling to catch up with everyone else, that really we are all dealing with the same things. Really, we are all insecure. Really, we all want to be loved. And honestly, if we were all really honest- we are searching for a purpose in what we spend our days doing. I have learned to treat every day like a new chance. I have realized that even the small things we do matter. Small things with great love and more powerful than huge things sometimes. It's about being faithful in those small things, and suddenly waking up and realizing how much you've been given has grown.

I am so excited for this next season...

just some thoughts I pondered...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10

Life to the full. Such an unknown for almost everyone. Life that really means something- truly lived. I used to think this meant that with Jesus in my life I would experience the happiest life. Now, I have discovered that there is an epic difference between happiness and joy.

I used to think that if I followed Christ it would lead me into the most wonderful earthly blessings. That those who loved the Lord he would bless and they would be wealthy, happy, healthy, and prosperous. But the prosperity gospel is a new idea, and one that is so void of biblical legitimacy that it is actually ridiculous that anyone could preach it from the pulpit without a riot scene. Instead, biblically, we see that those who choose to follow the Lord must daily take up their cross. The load is not a light one, but a heavy one- filled with trials of many kinds. Pursuing the Lord requires a realization that your end goal is not to obtain more for yourself- but your prize is HIM. In 1st Peter it talks about the goal of our faith being the salvation of our souls. HE IS OUR PRIZE, not his blessings. He is what we run the race to achieve- not money, not fame, not a Christian record deal or a self-help book. It's true that many times in the bible, those who pursued the Lord faced trials like I can honestly say I have never seen. Following Christ does not = blessings. At least, not earthly ones. And the belief that it will always leads us to attempt to manipulate God by doing what we think he wants of us in order to obligate him to give what we want from him. Give it up, we can't trick God... he's God.

Then how are we supposed to walk in fullness of life when all around us the world is trying to tear us down? I think that's the hardest part for me. Being raised in the "Bible belt" I always subconsciously believed that if I stayed away from the cardinal sins, "sex, drugs, alcohol, adultery..." not to mention making sure to always vote republican-then I was a good Christian. Someone please biblically define for me a "good Christian."

Then, in comparison to all those other "bad christians" out there, man I felt pretty good about myself! I was such a good Christian- elect me to Youth Group President, cuz I've got it all together, and I really need to reach out to the rest of you sinners.- right? It was this crazy mentality that stole my joy. I know it sounds crazy to feel like such a good Christian but still walk around without joy- but I definitely was. Why? Because JOY comes from a heart that appreciates Grace. And grace saves us from the sins we don't even realize we commit. I was walking around feeling like I'd earned something. Like in the womb I had been the one to decide that I would have a good family, good friends, and the gifts and talents I have. "Hey thanks God for the whole 'designing me' bit, but I'll take it from here..." And all of a sudden I had lost the joy of my salvation.

The problem with the Bible belt is that we all feel like we're pretty good. We are the good ones who really just need to get those bad Christians on our bandwagon. When you feel like you're pretty good, somehow a Savior seems less than mediocre. Savior from what? From my occasional white lie and my sin that really isn't as bad as my next door neighbor's? We think, well yeah, God helped out, but we really had a pretty good handle on it before he came along. We don't realize what wretched people we are before grace. Grace that covers a multitude of sins. And the fact is, if we could grasp our own depravity, suddenly a savior would become a necessity. Knowing him, the one who took all our sins upon himself- it would be the ultimate reward. Suddenly those trials- the ones that seem so big and looming- they don't steal our joy. Because our joy isn't rooted in our stuff, friends, family, good christian reputation, health, etc. Suddenly we begin to realize that the only important thing is that we KNOW HIM, that we are claimed as HIS, and that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING- not sickness or death or fire or attacks can strip us out of his hands. And if this does not bring JOY to your heart- knowing that the God of all creation sent his son to purify our filth and garbage filled hearts and lives- well then honestly, you don't really understand how filthy and garbage filled your life was before him.

PRAISE GOD, I thank him for cleaning out the junk pile that was me- that continues to be me without his grace. And if we all walked around really grasping this, and REALLY understanding what we were saved from, we would look a lot more like people living the life abundant. Life to the full wouldn't be just a nice saying- it would be our attitudes. And then, well maybe those who don't know Jesus would actually want what we have. Maybe they would actually see a difference in the way we lived. Maybe our lives would speak testimony to what a work the Lord had done! Don't forget to be thankful for your salvation! At the end of this life we will receive our reward if we do not give up- and our reward is HIM!

"Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his SALVATION day after day."-1 Chronicles 16:23

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."- Psalm 13:5

"Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD and delight in his salvation."- Psalm 35:9

"Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail."- Isaiah 51:6

"But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet."- 1 Thessalonians 5:8

=)

Streams in the Desert

My mom and I were at Barnes and Noble the other day looking through the devotional section. I've heard quite a bit from my roommate and a few others about the daily devotional "Streams in the Desert," so I decided to buy it so that I could give myself another thing to read in the mornings before I start my day. I'm not going to lie, I am the farthest thing from a morning person. In the past couple months though, I have tried harder to make a real effort to get up earlier and start my days off right, and I have to admit, it's made a huge difference. It's crazy that I actually somehow am surprised that spending more time with Jesus makes a difference- I mean of COURSE it does. I often wonder how I would ever be able to live in this world without him. Anyways, on to my real point.

This book's title is just so appropriate for this time in my life. "Streams in the Desert." I'm pretty sure that sums up the past few months for me. Let's see... I graduated, I had a whopping 14 days off before starting Grad School, which has easily been one of the biggest trials and molding periods of my life, I didn't sleep, my hair started falling out/face breaking out from stress, almost every single one of my friends moved away from Waco, I spent the summer pretty much alone while all of my friends vacationed at the beach and went to Europe, my best friend moved to Denver as opposed to College Station where she was an hour away, and it became pretty clear that God was stripping me of all things familiar. Now, my problems are petty in comparison to so many other's, but have I been in a desert? Absolutely. One of fears, one of exhaustion, one of questions, and one where things and people are literally stripped out of my life. But are there streams? Praise God, yes. Great friendships that have been built and rekindled, sweet time with family, bonds with clients, and times literally spent at the feet of my savior that I would never trade for anything in the world. So, maybe this is a desert... but in the midst of it, God is SO close. He is preparing the way before me! He is always present on my mind because I need him SO much and it is so apparent that I cannot do a single solitary thing right, or eternal without him.

There came this point where I realized that I am wretched. There is no part of my heart that is clean. No purity in there anywhere. I am capable of things I never thought possible. I am weak, emotional, and unkind. But in knowing that, I became thankful even more for the grace of my Jesus, that covers all of my flaws. How he uses me when I am not worthy of use continues to blow my mind, and how he sanctifies my heart along this process of life is so beautiful. Sometimes I look back and wonder why God has put certain things in my path, or certain people in my life. Then, I remember that God places everything in our lives to sanctify us and continue to draw us into himself. Every hardship, every trial is meant to prune off those places that aren't like him. BEING PRUNED HURTS. Like crazy. I'm talking curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out hurt. But then you look back and you find yourself different... and man it was worth it. Take those clippers to me again, Lord. Mold me into one of those bush-figurines like they do at the zoo... only make this one look like you, and talk like you, and love like you. I need it.

I was reading in the devotional, and I'll just copy it onto here because I don't really want to summarize it, but it was so encouraging to me:

"They asked for a repentant heart and has surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He had killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire as a refiner and purifier (Malachi 3:3) until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands... Yet God strengthened them and protected them, even from themselves. Often, in His mercy, He held them up when they otherwise would have slipped and fallen. And even in this life, they knew that all He did was done well. They knew it was good to suffer in this life so that they would reign in the world to come; to bear the cross below to wear the crown above; to know that not their will, but His will, was done in them and through them."

There came a point in this trial period that I realized my lack of dependence on God in the good times. I became convicted because I knew that I was not giving him enough time. Not out of some legalistic heart that feels like I need to block off 15 minutes a morning because if I don't I am a bad person... but because I am a different person without him. I had to repent and surrender myself to him- and he has sent sorrow. I can't tell you how many times I have prayed that the Lord would have His will in my life. I can't tell you how many times I have asked for purity, or told the Lord I wanted to be more like Him at any cost. So the Lord has sent me a desert- a broken valley. A time when I cannot rely on myself because I am too weak to possibly function. He has broken my heart so that he can re-make it. He has thrown me into the fire- and I praise the Lord for it, because that means he is refining my heart until it reflects him. Holy cow, that is a beautiful thing. I mean, really grasp that. When we go through the fire, the end result is looking like him. Is it worth it? Absolutely! I don't want to be comfortable in this blip of a life just to spend eternity in separation from God. No way! God- kill all of my living hopes. If I idolize it, take it away. (Scary prayer right there)

So, my prayers have changed. They used to be "help me to get out of this trial." Now, they are "Lord purify me in this trial." Make my heart like a Stream in the Desert, so that you can work through me in other peoples' deserts, and bring living water. I know that everything that I have been through has been used to change me into something a little less like myself. Every problem, or potential fear has been used to sanctify my heart. Every time I failed, was only a reminder of my own depravity so that thankfulness for GRACE could be birthed into my heart. I am thankful for my failures- although I wish they weren't there. I am so grateful that I have a God who never gave up on me! I am learning every day a new thing that I didn't know. I'm slowly learning what it means to really hear God's voice, and listen for it. I'm learning how to not be so impulsive (although this is a major struggle in my life) and to wait on the Lord NOT ONLY to give me a feeling, but to provide the means and open the doors to show me that the feeling is REALLY his way, to confirm that what I have felt has been truly of God, and not of myself. I am learning that Jesus is not "cool" to the masses, because he is far more focused on my holiness than my happiness. His message is TRUTH, but not always popular. To live a life like him, we may never be "cool." I am learning, and I have SO much more to learn.

But out of everything I'm learning, the greatest thing is learning to KNOW him. Not just know ABOUT him, but KNOW him. Learning who he is, and what he is capable of (which is pretty much everything, duh) only strengthens me to remember that the God of the universe, the God of creation, the God who loved me enough to die for me has my best interests at heart. And to find out that when I praise him and worship him- I in turn experience Joy. That joy comes from worshipping the ONLY thing worth the worship, and God created us to worship- because he is praised and we are made whole. It's like a win-win situation right there! And I find that it is wonderful to bear the cross below to win the crown above.

Thank you to those who are walking through this journey with me. I love you, and I seriously am not sure who I would be without God's love shown through you. I am so so blessed! You have been streams in my desert.